anxious

i find it really funny that one of my kids actually told me she was going to tie my hands together if i kept picking..given at the time i wasnt picking at all i was just playing with the band on my watch but its interesting that she noticed i was playing with it and it really was becoming and uncouncious thing...something has me really nervous and my stress has been up today with kids coming in at odd times and being alone with my group and having to deal with all the millions of little things that came up throughout the day and so i know im feeling a bit anxious but not to the point of picking again..and then i look at my fingers and im back to trimming my hangnails to stop myself from playing with them and pulling at them until my nails are bleeding and sore..i did that last week and a couple of my fingers ended up infected and i knew as soon as i pulled them and made them bleed i was going to be in trouble..i wasnt and no one even noticed but my first thought was holy crap i shouldnt have done that...especially because i hate when my fingers get sore because i hate doing anything with them then..but jim gave me a break tonight and i went to the grocery store to get some caffeine before i had to commit murder or something..something told me to bring my extra soda with me and i didnt do it and i thought i was going to die for a while there today..but i went to the store and made it back in less than an hour and it wasnt a big deal since jon didnt notice i was off campus gone..i dont plan on telling him but yea that helped..i made dinner and the kids liked it but i only ate the chicken because i dont like mashed potatoes or green beans..and then i ended up having to clean the kitchen with my group because the other group was a cop out and i was just so angry with jon for not helping at all and i ended up having to do the dishwasher..a bunch of kids from the other group are walking around the dining hall doing nothing and my group which is sstill missing kids had to clean up the kitchen..ugh..but its over and done with for now and thankfully there group leaves for there trip tomorrow..i am a bit excited about going to the cumberland islands..i didnt go on that trip last semester and it is exciting a bit because it really is like an island..we have to take a ferry to get there!! god i hope i dont get sea sick that would be gross and i may have to stay on the island lol..ill have to make sure andy has her camera so i can take pictures :) maybe we will see the wild horses that are there..that would be really cool..something else im noticing is that i just want to eat junk food and nothing else...i dont know why..maybe its just because im beginning to focus more on food again and not wanting to eat..and so i just eat whatever i want to and its not healthy and it just makes me even more annoyed with myself for not being able to control what i ate and what i dont eat..and then at the same time i guess im a little leery of trying to control it because it only takes a few thoughts before i can talk myself into purging and id rather not do that at work ..guess id rather not do it at all but i wont push the issue..so hopefully i get a grip and stop being a pig


but i better get going to bed..tomorrow is going to be another long day