today is really turning into a stressful day...not feeling to happy right now..maybe i stayed in bed to long this morning or something or maybe mommy just hadnt yelled at me enough in a couple days no idea but today it was like being yelled at for everything...kinda sucks to once again realize im only as important as how much money i can make and then give to her...she wont let me forget how much she spent to get the moving van and everything to move me back when i wanted to wait until after i had already been at home for a while and could have gotten some extra money..no she wanted to do it her way and so we did and yes she spent a lot of money and i know how much i have to pay her back but she keeps throwing it around what she did for me and im not paying her back fast enough and its like give me a break..im working as much as i can babysitting and all of my extra money has to go to a million different thing and im trying to pay her back i am but i cant just give her my entire last paycheck and then hope no one else gets to mad at not being paid...thats not fair and then i end up feeling guilty for not giving her more than i already did but knowing i dont have the money to do it.. she is constantly asking what ive made or how many ours i have babysitting..she knew what my paychecks were and what my last one was and keeps telling me how much money i should have and not what i do have..god forbid i actually needed to go and by something at the store or whatever..but no it doesnt really matter because the only important thing is that i pay her back and it doesnt matter what else doesnt get paid...why should i have to explain my bank account to her? if im back at home now why should i need to borrow money?? if i cant afford it then i know not to buy it but then she is always asking me to pay for stuff for her and that she will pay me back..well how is it that i have to pay her back and never hear the end of it but then she doesnt have to pay me back in a timely manner ..i dont see the fairness in that at all and it just makes it worse that she brought up how much she gave me for my christmas gift this morning..real good way to let me know she wanted to spend that much on me ..and i thought i asked for a reasonable amount for a digital camera but now if she is just going to use it against me then i dont want it..she asked for my refund thing from the electric company but i cant give it to her because i have to finish paying the stupid phone bill thanks to henry running it up..no matter how much i complained about it and asked her to take him off it was never the right time and now that my bill is over 200 dollars and most of it doesnt even apply to my phone im still the one who has to pay it and now henry has a new phone that i still had to help him pay for and mommy was supposed to pay me back and yet she only gave me part of it but then that didnt come up when she was yelling at me this morning about money..all of it just sucks right now and i did wake up in an ok mood but now im just incredibly pissed off about everything..i had to go and change what i was wearing this morning because i walked downstairs in a tshirt and well my arms have a good number of bug bites on them and she told me she hoped i was wearing long sleeves...last time i checked no one cared that much what i was wearing or not wearing but suddenly i have bug bites that ive scratched and everyone cares so much and so i have to keep my arms covered up because they make mommy uncomfortable..for as much as im supposed to be confident in myself i dont think its working out like that..because even if i was ok with everything this morning now im back to being paranoid about something that wasnt even wrong in the first place..because while i was on the island i did wear bug spray and i still got bitten by whatever it was biting all of us and then i scratched and i knew mommy would say something but i didnt think she would pretty much ban me from wearing short sleeves until the bites faded..how is it that she can be ashamed of something that had nothing to do with her and then in turn make me more ashamed than i already was?? and i wonder why it is i cant even handle talking about cutting or anything with anyone else..well duh im not allowed to talk about it im not allowed to do anything but swear i havent done it again and so it has disappeared..yep ive stopped and ill stay stopped right up until i manage to kill myself and then i guess everyone will have to figure it out for themselves..im not crying for help becasue i dont need help and i dont want help...i learned to lie about it from the start and nothing seems to have changed since then