shocked

i dont know what to do right now..jim may be leaving really really soon and its like i dont want to be selfish and ask him to stay just for my benefit and because of our last trip..its not fair to him when its been made very clear that they do not want him here..and he is upset and not sure what to do and we are working today..i dont know what to say to help him..i told him to email his resignation letter of sorts and see what happens before he really does make an permanent plans..the director sent him an email yesterday when both of them were on campus all day long and ssaid if he didnt like things then he could leave.. well that sounds like being fired to me or having to go ahead to turn in a notice ...one important little thing being jim never signed his contract..i think he could walk out today and no one could do anything to him about it..and i dont think the office ppl even realize he never signed his..and now its like he is putting in his letter again but he is counting the last letter also so basically its like he could be leaving at the end of the week..and i dont know because i do want him to stay and i told him so..i dont want to go on the last trip without him and its looking more and more like i will be..jon is on the trip now and most likely wont be able to go on the trip with me but i dont want to be by myself with karla either because she doesnt do anything but teach school..and that wont help me any when i have kids freaking out all over the place..but i know it would be incredibly selfish for me to ask him to leave after the trip..and i wouldnt do that..i know he wouldnt just leave me hanging unless he had to and i can understand that but it hurts all the same..a sub cant just pick up and leave for a week..and im not a driver so that makes it even harder...and i dont know what they would do in the office to fix this problem that they have created because the whole thing just blew up when jim asked for the money he was owed..the whole thing is really stupid because its like they are choosing to keep the ppl who dont clean up or do anything around campus and then treating me and jim like we dont matter at all and we have been here longer...it sucks because we are still the ones picking up all the slack even though we are being treated unfairly..im really having a hard time believing this is actually happening and i know ill have to go home and start packing and getting things done and it doesnt make it any easier...im to worried about the trip and who will be going on it with me now...i want to know what is happening and i know i wont be told at all once im at home..im not even told things when im at camp..i know jim will tell me but still i will just be stuck worrying because i really cant do anything to change any of this and its bothering me..i should be able to change it and i cant..i want to change it and i want things to be ok and they arent..all i can do is freak out but i cant show how seriously worried i am because it would just make things worse..so im stuck in a million different ways..i have to do my job and im trying to stay as ok as possible but i have a million different thoughts in my head and not knowing what is going to happen makes it a million times worse..tried to calm myself down yesterday and it didnt really work..trying to now and its not really working..writing was all that i could think of kinda and even this isnt really helping because the more i write the more im worrying ...scratched my arm last night with a pin thing while i was working on laundry for the kids and it helped but not for long...just have to make it through today and then i can go home tomorrow but also if jim actually completely quits he asked if he could come and stay at my apartment until he can leave and im thinking about it..i know ill say yes but at the same time i dont want to give up my space like that..and again im being completely selfish..i dont mind him staying but its like i have to do a mental sweep of my apartment and make sure everything is put away and not left around..i have razors all over my apartment and now with packing and pulling things out and getting rid of things and having more things come into my apartment makes it harder..ill just have to suck it up and agree to let him stay because i know its the right thing to do and i wouldnt just leave and know he was stranded or something..that would just be mean..but as much as i know its the right thing to do im not completely positive i want to do it either..i suck and i know its completely a space thing..im just not sure how to make it go away for a while and be ok with sharing my apartment because this isnt like when i lived with yvonne and she had to be there .its all just my stuff and i have it all over the place and having someone else storing stuff and staying in my apartment for a few weeks and being there all the time does make me really nervous..maybe i just need to work it out a bit more and think about it until im comfortable with it because either way im guessing im running out of time to make a choice..and that makes me even more nervous..