stupid is so not the word

i cant get my head around the fact that i should have known better than to watch the little mini movie i watched...when i saw the thread and it had ed trigger on it lightbulbs or something should have gone off in my head..and if they had cas in sure they did i was dumb enough to not listen to them..and i dont know anything about karen carpenter..really i dont well i didnt and now i know more than i ever wanted to know..the movie i saw was really old and it was done with barbie dolls no less..i dont know how in the world its possible to make a barbie doll look sick and die but well they got it and it was done awfully good...i want to say it shouldnt bother me so much but it does..it was like a mini walk through the wondeerful world of eating disorders..and i guess i can say that if i didnt have one it wouldnt bother me so much...still i refuse to believe it..the topic of iepac syrup came up and i know how it works and ive even gone as far as to know where to get it from..its not like its that hard to find..its advised that parents keep some on hand incase there kids swallow some lethal liquid or soemthing to make them throw up..ive also spent way to much time on ed boards to not know the dangers that comes with it..and for once the dangers seriously outweigh the benefits...and ive never had the real urge to use it..id rather not die from the one thing i hide more than anything else.. i just know that if i took it i would be dumb enough to get hooked and die in a month..just watching it put me on edge in a really bad way..sitting still is not cool right now and because im not going anywhere im just getting more and more nervous about something that i cant really put a name on...i know better..i swear i do and it juts doesnt matter..for whatever it is i want the consequences just dont outweigh the benefits...i would die and not care and im at the point where i know its wrong but i cant fix it ..id rather it killed me..all of it not just the ed stuff...im feeling really really really stupid and childish and annoying and nothing makes sense..