leave me alone

im once again left wondering what it is that makes people bad parents...i watched a movie for the second time today and the movie itself is good but the story line is hard to sit through..i really can understand the double sidedness of domestic violence...not that ive ever seen or dealt with it but ive heard enough about it and had classes on it to just understand a bit more than the basic's..in the soical work classes your told to stay open to everything regardless of if you agree with it or not and dv i dont agree with but i could work with..child abuse on the other hand i dont agree with and i cant work with..simple fact that i dont believe parents who suck majorly can change..if its already to the point that outside forces are needed to stop a parent from killing there kid then what is there to let me belive they are going to change and promises are a bunch of lies..before i came to college i wondered what it was that made everyone see mommy has this great person and i wondered what it was that i was missing...i still dont know and its not like peoples thoughts changed in the time ive been in school..some people shouldnt have kids at all and i dont know if mommy is one of those people..seems wrong even thinking it but i know its how you grow up that influences who you are as an adult and im just a little on the screwed up a lot side.. i havent watched life time seriously for a while and i guess im missing my usual scrweed up childhood movies...its just hard watching them and remembering there movies and watching a parent completely not pick the kid over the husband..worse than that both parents are in on it..another senario parent trades a kid for something they want.. i kept telling myself it was just a movie and so therefore what i was watching wasnt true and it wasnt happening..but the storyline had to come from somewhere..it prolly happens a lot too and it doesnt seem fair that kids just get the bad end of the deal more often than not...you grow up to be like your mom..i would rather be dead than to have that happen...i want to say im trying to be my own person but that wouldnt be truw..im to afraid of stuff for that to work..i would rather be told to just do something and not have to pick something for myself..but if im always letting someone else pick stuff for me i wont ever really know what i like..i dont really know what i like now...i do the things i already know wont hurt me or im used to it cas ive done it a million times..but trying new stuff isnt really on the top of my list of things to do..i just worry alot because i cant decide what i want to do..i cant decide who i am..im pretty sure mommy could tell me exactly who i was..but would i agree with her? i am tired of people always telling me what i should be doing and what i need to do..because them im a parrot and just keep saying the same things over and over..i would prolly keep at it to until someone questions why i did it in the first place and then i dont know..being questioned wasnt part of the agreement i guess..its more of a do everything that your told to do and dont question it and watch life pass you by because you dont stand out enough to be noticed...im not noticed but it hurts my feelings when im ignored..but i cant blame them since i dont make a point of making myself stand out..i should be forgotten and in most cases i am i guess..its easy to pick up on how bad you can be but it takes a lot more work to think your not..did you deserve it..any of it..i dont know anymore..at one time i was certain i did..now i just want to say i did because im used to it, not because i dont know any better because im sure i do..i just dont know how to process it i guess..maybe i just dont know anything and i should stop trying so hard to figure it out