nothing

dusti got me good in the finger when i was playing with her today..its not my fault she likes chasing feathers to the death and my fingerwas so in the way it seems. but now my finger is starting to hurt a bit..anyway..didnt do anyhting today..wasted a lot of time waiting for wayne to come..and he didnt earlier..so he called and said he was on the way and now im still waiting for him to get here..cleaned up all the major parts of the house..my room not counting cas i dont really care about that and its not like anyone else will be in there..i finished reading the lovely bones today and the book is good but its one of those books ill never be able to read in a bad mood..it did make me wonder if people can really watch you from heaven..cant read minds or anything but just watch without being able to interfer or anything..makes me consider if i believe in the unbelievable i guess..in the matrix deja va is a glitch in the system..i have really bad deja va sometimes..a bit deeper than just seeing something twice..

ok skip a day since i didnt finish writing this yesterday...wayne came and brought my car..i now have a car but im a bit scared of driving it...but all the same he actually came through on his promise to bring it to me..now im just looking at it wondering what in the heck im supposed to be doing with it!! but ill get more comfortable driving soon enough i guess...spent most of the day not doing anything and putting off doing the work i should be doing..stuff for class tomorrow stuff for therapy tomorrow..and i figure if i keep waiting long enough it will all juts finish itself and i wont have to worry about it...i always want someone to offer to drive me to therapy and im not that lucky it seems..i might be driving myself! its not that i cant do i just dont really trust myself to do it...mommy isnt helping at all with getting any better at it either..all day today ive just kept putting off going and driving somewhere..i keep starting other stuff which is mostly watching tv to get my mind on other things and i keep saying ill juts drive tonight..if you could take away all the other cars on the road i wouldnt have any trouble at all getting in the car...but since that wont be happpening ill have to face it really really soon...anyway..kinda feeling incredibly overwhelmed with all of this stuff..next week is fall break ..ok two days of next week is fall break and im ready for it..the weekends juts dont cut it not that im doing anything anyway..taking bubblebaths is so my newest favorite thing to do to waste time..ive found out that if i keep making the water just a bit hotter than i can stand it then as soon as my foot is in i cant think of anything else until the water cools off..once theres nothing in my head relaxing for a little while isnt that hard..its just an energy release in some weird way..almost the same way cutitng works..and a bubble bath is just a bath and i still dont like baths i just take a shower anyway after wasting a good while looking at nothing..but anyway...i was feeling incredibly ok after my bubble bath but now i dont know..im distracted but i dont know about what...i keep thinking of things i need to do and juts dont want to do...im waiting for yvonne to get back and she hasnt gotten here yet so im not by myself..but i shouldnt be expecting her to come and juts keep me company when i dont want to really talk to her either..and if i do go to the store how do i know i wont buy anything i dont need?? i keep thinking of everything i want to buy and i keep taking food off the list..like i can buy the book i really really really want but if i do then you know i cant go to the grocery store..telling myself i cant go to the grocery store hurts juts because i love going so much..but anyway ive never been one to not make myself suffer for the fun of it. so ill get over it..depending on how i look at it the whole thing could be an awfully good trade off..and i do want that book..i found a link today to all of these books on ed's ..and theres a lot of them i havent read before that i want to get all of sudden...i want to go home and get the other ones i have..i havent read any of them in forever...ive gotten rather crazy in the past few weeks..

so for some reason yesterday i was doing something that made me think about being really angry at someothing..and then of course my lack of being able to get mad ..well my lack of being able to stay mad for more than a passing thought..because i dont know why i cant when sometimes i really do want to be mad about everything and its just not there..at least not where i can get to it ...its always right underneath the surface but always out of my range..i know its there..because i can get mad it just doesnt stay and im not sure i like that..i have sad down completely but i cant get a hold on mad and its like well gee theres something missing but i dont know how to explain it or even make it ok for it to come back...when i really think about why its not there i just get lots of empty space and thats not any answer im looking for..dont know why..guess thats one of those things ill never be able to figure out..dont know how in the world i would be able to handle it anyway so maybe its better i dont have it..i could prolly die from saddness anyway