another headache

maybe ill play with the colors again and im working on learning to add pictures..that one being my newest favorite of the day that i found on my comp over the weekend..hopefully this will actually show up and i wont have to redo it..freezing my butt off..feeling incredibly sick but ill get to that later..actually did everything i was supposed to be doing today..went to class..went to therapy..went to my career services appt..grabbed dinner..purged dinner hence the feeling sick..now im just laying in bed fighting the urge to cut for being such a dummy..my whole arm is killing me ,,wrist more so than everything else and i keep thinking great i wont be able to go and wear my usual shirts to work..ill have to wear them and my jacket or just stick with long sleeves for a while..its cold enough to get away with it i just hate hiding them..hate answering questions more so i guess the trade off is even..cover them up and stop people from treating me like im contagious..would be kinda fun though being contagious..i really want to tell my head to shut up and leave me alone..only i can sit here and ask myself questions out loud no less and expect an answer..not like theres anyone sitting in front of me to answer them but i do answer myself most of the time..i walk around half talking to myself when i want to figure something out..today it was more of a you are annoying and i hate you topics..ive some how made it so that it seems like im talking directly to myself and not just having random streams of thoughts in my head..i was sitting in class writing on my arm to keep myself in class persay..and what i wrote wasnt exactly nice or anything ..im pretty sure walking around with i hate you and your stupid and mean and all this stuff on your arm doesnt count as being nice..how odd would it be to say there was someone else in my head all the time..constantly telling me bunches of stuff..not always bad stuff either but just stuff..reflections of what im thinking maybe..if i have i hate myself floating in my head its not the same thing as like standing in the mirror in the morning and telling my reflection i hate you..not i hate myself becuase then it doesnt make sense..and i guess its juts really hard to explain without seeming like ive completely lost my mind...next topic of a million things..what am i gonna do about acceptance..hmm ok other questions first...am i suicidal? big question of the night i guess...am i right this minute no..was i over the weekend yes..and im only thinking of that now because i was asked when was the last time earlier and well duh it sounds kinda bad saying it was like yesterday ..but no ill make it through this week like i have all my other weeks...walking my fine little line between sane and not...maybe im not really not sane..maybe im just way to aware of myself for my own good..i guess being aware and acceptaing are two very different things..i know where my thoughts have a tend to go and get stuck..i know what i think about and what i question without ever bothering to tell anyone else..i know all this stuff and it just stays in my head until it becomes to much and i write it here..but even writing here can be confusing jumbles of half thoughts and wrong ideas...jenny told me it reads like a book kinda..never thought of that..i was looking at the dates yesterday and its like holy cow..only about a year and a half old and ive written more than 350 entries!! me the person who can swear up and down that i never have anything to say can write and write and write and still my head is full of things to say...i guess i should stop saying i dont have anything to say cas i have a million things to say just to scared most of the time to say them..afraid no one will listen or hear what i have to say..dusti is good for bouncing ideas off of when i really need to say something out loud..but that still doesnt make being scared to talk ok..hello i was dorky enough to pick the major that meant ttalking to ppl..actually all my choices meant tlaking to ppl so i guess i would have found a way around it eventually.but its hard..i go to work and talk to janet and cindy and the other ppl at the hospital..im not as afraid of them from a professional stand point..ive talked about the basic family stuff with janet and cindy some..i know about there kids and whats going on with them..but i worry when im having a bad day and just want things to be quiet if they notice..or if i told them what i did would they like me anymore or want me to be there...i was not very helpful today in therapy ..good grief well i wasnt my usual self..talked a bit more than i normally do..but i just wasnt big on anyhting today..radical acceptance..ive heard of from somewhere and cant remember where..i still think its all a bunch of bs...most likely because i just dont like thinking about acceptance at all..its means knowing that what i do is wrong and sick and dangerous and not being able to ignore it anymore..the pain isnt the biggest part of it..that goes away..the reasons behind why i did it in the first place will have to start coming up and being talked about and id rather go have my eyebrows plucked with a needle or something than talk about any of it..i just want it to go away but trying to do that makes it come up in my dreams until i refuse to sleep anymore..the real world hurts to much..why deal with it when you can make stuff up and make everything ok...