sigh

whats wrong with me?? i cant even make it less three days without b/p'ing anymore..the past couple months i havent been able to make it a full week without doing it i think..my weeks are split into whether or not im sick and stupid again..weekends are turning into long dull neverending days only sperated by if ive gotten bored enough to b/p..does it makes me bad if i look forward to doing it sometimes? no that just makes me a freak and i guess i spend to much time by myself on the weekends..my biggest fear when yvonne said she was going home early was that i would be by myself and that meant there wouldnt be anyone here to check on me in any way...im to old to need supervision, i should be able to take care of myself..and saying that just doesnt seem real..me take care of myself? uh no thanks...ok well this week i think its been everyday since sunday..its disappointing in a way..feeling so sick is not cool at all..this morning i wanted to just stay in bed all day my head hurt so much..spent the first part of the day in a daze everything was so fuzzy and i just wanted to go and lay down somewhere for a while..i woke up around lunch because we went to a vendor fair for home health and hospice and hospitals and med equipment info stuff..tons of free stuff..tons of candy (bad part) but overall it was fun and i liked it..went to client and just got so so tired again..i wanted to go to bed and forget the rest of the day..without having to think about anything but i stayed until it was time to go home..and then i waited for yvonne to come and get me and ended up playing thumb war and tic tac toe with a patient..he cheated of course but what can you expect lol..i actually beat him at thumb war but ive gotten to really like him..i say hi to him when i see him, i stop and let him give me high fives and we snap at each other..i gave him a pen today .. a big one kinda that he can hold and write with prety good even with his issues..issues or not hes good and he knows when hes playing..he finds it incredibly funny that im ticklish on my hands..i will miss him when he goes home in a couple weeks..i like talking to his mom since i see her so much..the other kids im getting to know to but carson just kinda happened one day during a meeting when his wheelchair eended up right next to me and we started playing games...random thought i got a free pill box today..funniest thing ever since theres all this free candy and pens and notepads which i have tons of now too..but just one place had the pill things and of course my first thought great just my luck..second thought being i might as well get one to look at for a while until i figure out what i want to do..much later i remembered i hadnt taken my vitamins for today..i could take them now but i think ill wait juts a little bit until my head stops hurting so much...yvonne left today for home..she started her fall break a few days early! but im gonna be taking the bus to work tomorrow..i could drive but the signal thing worries me and i dont like driving with them not working..im trying to think of a way to nicely ask for friday off so i can go home early in the morning. i know just telling the truth works best but i keep thinking about how stupid the truth is..ugh but i know ill end up telling the truth since lying is such a pain in the butt and i dont want to get stuck in a lie and forget what i said..i alrady know janet wont be there friday and i dont want to just call in sick, id rather tell her before hand and go from there..they have all been telling me im doing agood job with stuff..there are areas to improve in but overall i can hold my own..all the nurses ask if im staying when i gradute..the therapist ask me too..everyone asks if ill stay but not what i plan on doing..a few ppl ask what my plans are after school but mostly its being asked if im staying..i do want to stay i really really do but its also a change thing..im getting used to being in the hospital..im getting used to working on the teams and not being scared of asking the docs stuff...i know what the problems are and i know what the expectations are..im learning resources and connections in a way..yet again i dont want to have to change and learn new things..i like being in rehab and i want to stay where i am but its small in rehab here..and right now there arent any openings..there are only 7 social workers there and me and i dont really count..but theres not a lot of room for growing right this minute..i know that can change really fast but for now nah..janet agreed that me going to the job fair is a good idea but im feeling like im not trying hard enough to find a job and just going to the job fair is being lazy..regardless of the other hundreds of students that will be there..given im not trying to find a job and until like the last couple weeks or so i didnt care..but suddenly i realize that the semester is already half over and that makes me nervous and i really want to just cry because i dont know what will happen when i graduate..i really dont want things to change an they will ahve too..i cant belive not graduating is actually in my head..i know i cant not graduate..i cant stay as an undregrad any longer it just wouldnt work..i really dont want to take the field seminar again with a class i dont know...today when i told people i was graduating in june everyone said good luck and asked if iwas learning alot..and they were sincere..just kinda one of those things that cant be faked succesfully i guess..but all the same they were incredibly nice and had stories to tell..its just hard i guess..not knowing what iwll happen makes me so nervous..but the way im going..i wonder if ill make it to my graduation in one piece..last night when i was trying to go to sleep and feeling incredibly sick from b/p i was thinking about why i would rather die than let anyone know i do b/p..i dont know why i have the difference between throwing up and cutting when they kinda do the same thing..i dont know why one is better than the other and maybe ive juts stuck with the b/p longer...i have done it for an incredibly long time vs cutting for only 7 or so years..wow it seems like forever...guess it doesnt matter since ive ruined my body in a million and one ways...im going home this weekend and i have new scars running up my arm..and i say going up for some weird reason..they could be going down but either way what i did with the staples is highly noticaable and im realyl worried ill be dead when and if mommy sees them...its not cold enough for long sleeves and im just yelling at myself in my head for being so stupid and doing them anyway..i just suck more than usual lately..yesterday we went to the bridal store and i looked at all the pretty dresses and hated myself..ill never get married..ill never ever wear anything without sleeves in it..ill never have a reason to where anything that formal..and i learned that in the bridal store you so cant touch the wedding dresses..the real ones lol..i was touching them and yvonne told me to get away from them cas you cant toucht them..i just assumed she was making that up cas she is incredibly not thrilled about me forever telling her shes getting married..but no she was right..no touching the real wedding dresses..you can touch the formal dresses though..all the same those dresses are like $1000 bucks!! i would be paying for a dress for like 5 years..i dont want a dress you have to pay for in installments lol..could be fun but good grief no..not for a dress you wear like once and then never ever wear again! they were awfully pretty though..some were incredibly ugly but some where really nice and i would have loved to have them until you look at the prices and come crashing back down to earth! shopping was not my friend yesterday...now that ive completely depressed myself yet again i guess lil go and find my floor and finish setting up dustis new toy play climber thingy..and go to bed since i have to be up a bit earlier than usual