today was stressful, i did everything that was expected of me..i always do whats expected of me for the most part..still some things for tomorrow..i have to give myself grades though for tomorrow..i have to do my recording thing for class..i have to figure out if im going home..i have to do something...if i made a checklist of things to remember to do outside of work i dont think it would ever end...i have to find out graduation stuff, i have to go to the bank, i have to clean my room again, i ahve to do laundry, i have to get my car and then be to afraid to even drive it..not that it matters since mommy actually had to nerve to tell me to let someone else drive with me..if im gonna get into an accident then at least give me the choice to not take anyone else down with me..anyway..i have to do my project, i ahve to find a job, i have to look at grad school stuff, i have to find my resume, i have to understand im not looking for a job without a car..i ahve to finish orietation stuff but i cant with a car..i have to tell ym teacher i cant go to the confrence..i have to go to dinner with my teacher..i have to take care of dusti..but that i dont mind, dusti makes me smile..i have to do stuff for mommy..i ahve to prepare to be in charge for thanksgiving and christmas..i have to get gifts..i have to go home and babysit..i have to make sure dusti has a place to be when im not around..i have to find my clothes..i have to cover my arms and my legs..i have to start paying more attention to money, i have to just pay attention in general to things im ignoring..i have to grow up and be responsible and do my job and stop expecting for janet or arran to save me from whatever it is i need to be saved from...now in all of that and then the stuff im not even remembering to have to do what is it that i want to do? want is a luxury im not allowed to really consider...my want limits are died and gone since i bought 2 movies week..and then it was 2 kids movies..i was emailing someone about the movies and it just kinda hit me..i didnt have movies as a kid..i might not remember any thing else but i know i didnt have movies..i could waste money on worse things than movies i guess..but what kids doesnt get movies for no other reason than to have them..its been mentioned that i have an inner child that i dont happen to ignore and its not that..not really..yea i like my movies and that should be all that matters..but things are never that easy..i dont have an age..ive decided my age is nonexistent..its possible to grow up without growing up..my teacher asked me the other day if i really understood how much i influence people..and of course i looked at her like she had lost her mind to ever even consider that and me in the same sentence...but she does and nothing i say changes her mind..i went to her grad class for like less than two hours and you would have thought the class was about me as much as i was highlighted on..embarrassing for me in so many ways but only dr bass gets away with it...jon asked me once if i would feel better if he told me bad stuff instead of all the good stuff i was constantly hearing over the summer and i told him yea..it wouldnt feel so weird if he told me everything i was doing wrong..but how often do you get into a place where you dont do anything wrong..where you talk and you know your listened to..completely and utterly listened to..like you finally belong somewhere and it was the most unexpected thing ever...i miss camp..i miss jim calling me a goddess..i miss hollice and bobbi jo hugging me..i miss talking to all of them..i miss the emptiness of being in the mountains..and the more i look for jobs the more i know i cant move now..as much as i would be willing to take a job in asheville i couldnt move..to many things left to do and i would have problems seperating completely from greenville dusti is good for company but one sided convos can only go so far..ok no where i take that would make it any better lol..just make me sound crazier ..so ill go on to something else...i just want to yell at myself to get a backbone and freaking stand up forever and that would be ok depending on who im talking too...ok no it doesnt apply..funny how impressions ppl have of me are so wrong..someone told me its good that i knew what i wanted ..i looked at her like she was crazy..all summer i was told i was confident and resposible and all this stuff i never would even consider but they saw it and the difference there was i didnt see how to not believe them..now im not there and i dont have to believe anything anymore..i dont have a bunch of kids ready to pounce on the smallest grain of self doubt they can find..now its just me and i do a better job than they could have ever done...guess ive had a lot of practice..so ill go on to something else...im not looking forward to the weekend..im not even really looking forward to the weekend after that and i know im going to see the lion king..that should make me happy and it doesnt anymore..just random spurts of excitement...to many other things to think about and work on..maybe when it gets closer it will be different..maybe once i know its really happening ill be able to be happy and it wont matter..
hmm i wonder if bj would share viacodin with me again..could be fun .....life goes on as long as i remember what im supposed to be doing..and theres always so such to do..maybe i do need to go home for a weekend just for the change of scenery..but that would be this weekend but for now not even that will be happening..once again i wait for nothing, no mommy, no car..dont know why i expected things to be different..stop expecting stuff..less to be disappointed over i guess..i should stop forgetting that..yep maybe ill turn that statement into a postcard or something..make millions and live forever
gotta love how things change...not going home..dont know why it was ever a stupid option anyway..stupid me
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