bad bad bad

valium...i know what it does now..i found two in a matter of speaking which means i was being nosy and looking through mommys medicine cabinet while i was bored today and she had valium..just 2 but i debated for all of five minutes before itook them..i put different pills in the bottle but im sure she wont notice the change..im guessing i could have juts taken the bottle but nah that would have been weird and wrong..i guess it wounts as wrong taking meds that arent mine anyway..but it put me to sleep this morning when i took it..i only took one since i didnt know exactly what it did..so i slept for a while and woke up feeling incredibly fuzzy and just slowed down..woke up a little after eating something but still it was a distant empty happy feeling i was left with..my head was empty for a while and i ended up going through and pulling stuff out of my closet to bring back with me..but still for most of the day i was really disconnected with everything and im guessing it had soomething to do with what i took but im not really sure..im fine now and tired ...well as fine as i can b e since ive been thinking about cutting and dying and hurting...just general stuff i think..well cutting i did have ever intention of doing..i was just getting really sad trying on my old clothes and i would have been ok if i hadnt pulled out shorts and started putting htem on...my legs are a mess..arms too but looking at my arms and noticing the scars fading a bit made me upset for reasons im not sure of but it just makes me worry..but i didnt ..still thinking about it but i guess ill be ok.. and im not sure about anything tonight it seems....mommy borrowed her money from me and for the whole ride home since im without a car again and mommy and wayne brought me back to school that i just kept thinking that ill be screwed if mommy doesnt pay me back..i just feel really stupid for giving in..not that i could have said no without getting into a lot of trouble..but it just sucks knowing i only matter when she needs something from me..time and money is all i have to give and all of it is hers in a way anyway..i could starve for a couple months and im not sure anyone would notice or care...i just dont have any extra money at all and if i leave what i do have for bills and stuff i already know about ill be ok but dusti's stuff will have to be gotten with grocery money..i have plenty of frozen junk for dinner and stuff so im fine..i need to stop going to the grocery store anyway..ill have to take the bus to work because i cant afford to give yvonne money for gas and its not fair for her to keep driving me around when i cant help with gas..not that i mind the bus it just takes forever to get back and forth between the hospital and campus and then home..but ill get used to it soon enough..things are starting to crowd in on me again..endless lists of things i have to do and get done like now and i dont have the time or the drive to do any of it..i want my time back..im sick of not being able to dowhat i want to with my day..i dont really work but i hate it tonight..i have to be up in 6 hours to get ready for work and instead im sitting here writing instead of going to bed..given ive only been home for an hour and i just couldnt go to bed without checking computer stuff...but i am tired..to bad i cant get rid of the stupid feeling...i cant get rid of the disappointed feeling either..i know better than to take random meds..but i did it over the summer and i did it today..i still have the other pill but i dont know what im going to do with it just yet...for now i guess i just have it to look at.