so tired

i dont think its my iron anymore...im tired..all the time again..i spend half the day yawning, wanting to go to sleep..i can and do stay awake but i start zoning out before i even make it to work..i dont get it..i have been taking the stupid vitamins and im still tired..maybe i should stop taking them and see what happens..if i start just falling asleep without being able to help it then ill know i have aproblem..i do sleep..im in the bed by 11..by 10 most night..sometimes even before that on weekends when i dont have to worry about staying up and keeping yvonne company when shes actually here..and even then im dead to the world by 10..and im up in the morning around 6:45ish..sometimes earlier but not later...by definition i shouldnt be tired at all and i dont know why..today i was actually considering drinking coffee just to wake myself up..i keep getting so cold in the hospital..i walk around in long sleeves or a jacket all the time there now..if i dont have a jacket im shivering by lunch..some days i cant feel my fingers im so cold and that normally only happens in the computer labs when i know they keep the air incredibly low...i keep thinking im the only one bothered by the air in the hospital..im always cold and im always pulling at my sleeves trying to warm myself up and i sit at the nurses station shivering because i can never seem to keep my body temp normal..when im hot at the hospital then the heat is on and blasting..the problem being i hate being to hot..i cant sleep when imn to hot and it makes me cranky really really fast..but im still eating ice a lot..and it doesnt help anything at all..so i dont know what to do..

i watched nanny mcphee tonight and it was a good movie..i liked it, but then i guess i just like movies like that..i know yvonne thinks its cheating off of mary poppins but that doesnt matter to me at all..its not the same and i like it but i know i wouldnt watch it around yvonne at all..she would just make comments until i didnt want to see it anymore...i want to keep it until next weekend when i go home so riley and harris can see it but maybe i wont...maybe ill just get a different set of movies to take home with me...but anyway..it was a funny movie..im considering if i want to buy it or not and i think ill end up adding it to my list..ill watch it some more this weekend ..and i have to watch yours, mine and ours too..i know riley and harris have already seen that one.

i made a cake tonight...im considering throwing the whole thing away..im annoyed with eating today..i was dumb and bought lunch knowing i would get french fries..and i did and lucky me im creeped out with throwing up in the hospital..thats one of those places that just screams get caught and your dead..so no throwing up there..havent thrown up all week i think..interesting since its been a while since i even thought that...ive set myself up to cut this weekend..im expecting it..i was going to do it the other night and went to bed instead..i keep trying hard to stay as busy as possible but i keep getting so much time to myself..no idea how to stay busy it seems...i dont do anything anymore..watch tv or play online when im not at work..i dont really shop or do anything..its not fun...im trying to not care what yvonne thinks is going on with me..i dont have to be happy if i dont want to..its to much of an effort being happy these days..not that im crying all the time or anything but nothing gets a reaction ut of me..the normal movie qoutes i know by heart that yvonne could say to make me smile doesnt work anymore..ive been trying to talk more with her when shes around..but shes not around much..busy with other stuff..i dont want to feel ignored but i guess its my fault..i dont depend her attention or even talk to her when i get it..why would she want to hang around me when im always in a bad mood i guess..not that i would ever ask her to just stay here and keep me company over the weekends..her boyfriend is her life and who am i to get in the way of that? she says just tell her to stay here when we talked a little about how i was supposed to get a tattoo and i said its ok cas everyone is busy doing stuff..when she asked who everyone is i told her it was her..but i dont let her not do stuff for my sake...id rather be in a bad mood by myself until i can work it out..except it kinda sucks when i dont manage to work it out at all..just keep being sad and wishing for an escape of some sort that refuses to come...ive set myself up to fail really..but right now i dont want to hurt..i just want to sleep and im freezing ..the winddows are just open and im freezing...gotta love the days i get to walk across the world to get home because yvonne cant pick me up...and in the rain no less..i just have bad luck that way..today when i have to walk all over the place and turn a 20min trip into a two hour affair and it pours all day long and cools off..i was just glad i had a sweater...oh well..made it home all the same i shouldnt complain..today i really almost had to stop and cry at work..teared up but didnt cry..neither janet or cindy were in today and so i had to deal with everything coming in for both of them..i had a list of stuff to do..i had a paper to get finished..i had to deal with the med stuff for a patient going home..i was back and forth from the office to the kids floor and back..a million phone calls..setting up appts..ppl looking at me like i knew what i was doing..its like as soon as the ones i report to are gone then im the one who knows everything..i had no idea what i was supposed to do about some of it..people kept finding me and asking me stuff...drained isnt the right word for what i was feeling by the time i got to go home..especially since i took the scenic route home..but it was just so busy trying to deal with so many different things..i had a list of stuff to do already but adding in the extra stuff took a lot of energy and patience..i did all of it and then some..today was a serious look into how much is expected of them even at the hospital..something is going on all the time..some problem that has to be fixed right then..nerve wrecking..get home and dont know what to do with myself..dont want to stay home but cant go anywhere..so instead i watch amovie and make a cake..i started reading the lovely bones and its a really good story..depressing but good in a way..makes me wonder what heaven really looks like..hmm i keep thinking about the homework ive put off writing..still putting it off but the subject is always in my head so i guess thats the trade off..i can think about it as much as i want until i actually write something..but even time for that is running short ..very very short actually and i might as well face my fears now..and even writing that makes me want to laugh..so instead of actually thinking ill face anything ill read my book and wonder about the fate of the world and maybe just maybe when im bored enough ill remember to write my thoughts on what i want to be said about me when i die..i remember it..ive thought it all out and even had answers for it at one point..now im not sure i care..