death

is it possible to live forever? everyone has to die at some point but im not really sure if i want to die or not..it changes to much and but the option is always there like i can convince myself to die if things get that much out of hand..and if it worked then what? what will happen to nia and henry or riley and harris..and the other kids who i know and play with and i know people are affected differently and i forgot who told me that it doesnt matter if you have even met someone once becuase it will still affect them anyway..prolly arran at a time when i wasnt really listening directly..but someone told me and i have to remember it because it wouldnt be good to forget..ive been thinking about my homework that i have yet to rteally sit down and write because it scares me still..while i was at camp and had the time to think while i was hiking i had the time to get used to writing it and finding out what i wanted to be said but still writing it down makes it permanent...once again ill have something in writing that cant be taken away..maybe ill write it here some day and just print it off to save myself the trouble..but i dont know what i want out of life..i dont know who i am or anything about me and so i dont know what is going to happen to me in the future..at the rate im going now ill die in about five years..without straightout doing anything i say five years..if im actually trying id say i could last a couple years..not that im planning my death or anything but if im supposed to be realistic then i can be..im not entirly stupid even if my spelling sucks at times but anyway i do know what im doing..and i know that i dont care enough to take care of myself properly and so i could be letting myself die and i dont know or i dont care enough to notice...as long as body parts arent like falling off or anything then why should i worry..its not like i look sick..scars and scars and they can be explained away if they are actually seen by someone other than me..but like mommy what are the chances i would be believed if i told the truth? might as well lie and make other people comfortable instead of worrying about how im feeling...isnt that what i learned? that it is so much better to make sure other ppl are ok before taking the time out to see if im ok...now im getting ready to graduate and i dont want to..im constantly being told to take care of myself and to get plenty of sleep and eat healthy and i just want to call them all liars...im not dying and i dont look like im dying so why should anyone care about what i do to myself..most of the time im really not trying to die..but i would feel so guilty if i did try to kill myself and it didnt work..its not that hard to figure out why people try suicide more than once..things change alot after the first try that doesnt work..theres nothing left to work for if everyone considers you stupid for doing it in the first place...i dont know what i want..ok so i do know but just knowing is enough to make me want to cry because i dont know how to get it..it is hard constantly worrying if im liked but not loved..never loved because that is stupid and a waste of time...being liked is ok but it doesnt always happen either..im tolerated and nothing more..its like people have to put up with me and not because they want to.im a chore that will be forgotten as soon as im gone...i dont ask for a lot at all..and it really doesnt take much to get me to smile and yvonne knows that..shes a pro now at quoting movies that i like to me to get me to smile..but even that is short lived if im feeling sad..i hate that i can get so sad without a reason behind it..but theres always something to be sad at..something i have to regret doing no matter how small because thats just how it has to go...im afraid to care to much because life is a disappointment that i dont know how to change..i dont really feel safe in the real world and i dont fit in either...maybe running away is a good idea if i can be my own person..but the worrying of being found would kill me or i would just come back..i hate feeling guilty i hate being me too..im still expecting someone to come and save me..i want to be saved and fixed but i dont want to have to hurt to get it done..im getting really tired of hurting all the time. i cant be happy because im always wanting for things to go wrong and mess up and somehow im always in the middle..because there is always something that i should have done better or i should have been able to fix it and i couldnt..just makes me worthless if i cant even fix my own problems..i cant even explain my problems to anyone and then i expect to be helped without anyone knowing whats going on..yea that makes a lot of sense to no one..im being eaten alive with sadness..i dont want to be me but changing doesnt always seem to be an option either..i want to be a kid and have fun and not care about anything..i want to be taken care of and loved and appreciated for being who i am..that is living in a fantasy world..my own little place of lies that just doesnt seem right anymore..i dont know what im supposed to be looking for..i dont want to have to figure anythiing out but there is always something going on in my head..something that i need to think about and then forget..and then everything just gets poured into my head and i cant stop thinking..always some thought that i have to completely break down and then put back together so that it fits how im seeing things..i have such a warped vision of so many things..how am i supposed to know whats true..i cant remember and i dont want to remember but eventually ill have to..and then what? my two years will be up and i can die in peace..the truth does not set you free it just digs you a bigger hole to hide in...im a little afraid of being alone..i cant be mad..its dangerous being mad but if im sad ill just lay around all day and not do anything..zone out completely and not care until yvonne gets back...ill have two days to do whatever i want to until she gets back and then ill have to figure out some way to disappear again until it stops hurting again..i was ok this morning and this afternoon even but then i watched tv and it all just fell apart around my head..here i am a live and reasonably healthy even and im trying to die and there are all of these people ill never know who have things a lot worse than i do and they are dying and they dont want to..why cant i be happy with what i have? because its not fair and i didnt do anything to be like this..i dont know exactly what got taken away but it was something big..really really big and it needs to be given back but i dont think it can be..once its gone its gone forever and its just to bad for me..something is missing but im not sure ill ever be able to find it..i should have died along with nicole..i should have and i didnt..instead im stuck here..not living but not dead yet either..walking zombie or something..im worried about next week..im worried about being expected to go home for grannys birthday party when everyone has forgotten mine..mommy told me im not getting anything because of all the money she put into my car..she seems to have forgotten that im the one who just paid almost 600 dollars on it and it still doesnt work..what the heck and im supposed to be thinking..how is it possible to even consider that i might matter when i try around and find out i dont..if i just disappeared for a while who would notice..who would care? everything i learned over the summer is gone now and it sucks that i could gain something and lose it so fast..i dont want to be constantly trying to think up inventive ways to hurt but i dont..i dont want to keep being so scared of everythig because maybe not everyone is out to hurt me or make me cry..if i had to write my obituary what would it say? i want to write on just to find out but thinking about it empties my head..maybe because im in such a bad mood and im just starting to get nervous and not feel good..right now i have a headache but whos to say i wont walk in the kitchen and just keep taking meds..not that we have anything stronger than reg tylenol but still..ill wait it out for a little lnoger until i can find something that will let me sleep..i want to be ok but im not..im so far from ok im in a different time zone..still i can fake it until im ok..but if i fake it then am i being nonvalidating or something...i can pretend until things are ok again..but i dont know how long that will take..i dont want to be me for a while

last night

not a lot of time to write since im running late as it is..but right now im just to tired to be thinking to far ahead..i dont want to go to work and i just want to sleep right now but cant so..last night i went with yvonne to pick up my car...this didnt work out and it really was a waste of a trip and i almost hit a cop..well i pulled out without really looking and almost got hit..less than 10 mins in the car and im about to get a ticket! good grief but the cop was nice and just told me i really needed to look and pay attention more..but still im glad it worked out..nia was in the car with me and it was really scary because out of nowhere the cop lights just come on behind me...still im trying hard not to be scared about driving since ill have to get used to it anyway..but then other stuff started going wrong with the car and it had to stay..it was a waste going on some levels but at least i knew that it would start turning off on me before we got to far away and the guy came and just took it back..so now the plan has changed again but im still without a car..but mommmy says they are supposed to be trying to bring it to me this weekend and ill stick to driving with less traffic until im more confident. it was an incredibly disappointing night.

back to the basics

it does seem like life is seriously going back into basic survival mode..sleep, eat, work..nothing interesting nothing worth thinking about for to long..of course no car again..i dont know what i was thinking actually believing what i was told..i should have known better and i still let it get by me..stupid me for continuing to be so gullible and believe everything im told without bothering to question any of it..that being said im a complete hypocrite on top of everything else..but maybe no im a hypocrite about everything..i keep pretending that i dont know whats going on when i do..i keep trying hard to make myself forget and it doesnt work..i cant forget what i dont remember and i cant forget what i do remember and then i just have a way to get back at myself for being stupid or mean or something...and if i dont remember all of it then how in the world can i even know if what i see is true..i dont know..i just wish i could go away for a little while..i want a break a real one but i want to go somewhere where i cant be found again..if i did then theres a good chance i wouldnt even come back..but who would notice or miss me or care? it wouldnt be a big deal until someone needed me to do something for them..so what does that say about me exactly? im completely expendable or something? i dont care and it doesnt matter..im not going to be going anywhere and things will always be the same...i keep thinking that ill always be like this and i hate that..i cant handle being like this forever..i would never be able to give myself a break and all the time now i wish for camp again..i want to go back to camp and forget everything else i cant handle..i want the people from camp who liked me and listened to me..i dont really feel safe anymore now that i actually know what safe is..i want to be hugged and really believe that things will be ok..i dont know what was so different while i was there..but i would give anything to go back...i feel alone and invisible which could be the same thing as feeling lonely and unimportant..but it all moves so fast im not really sure either..one minute i could die from all the pain that doesnt show and the next minute i could swear nothing would ever hurt me again..but im such a baby that it doesnt take much to hurt me and i just want to yell at myself to grow up and get a life..i dont know what i want but im not really sure ill ever find it...my head is moving really really fast right now and i keep going from one thing to another without stopping and it makes my head hurt..more often than not these nights i have to do the mindfullness thing or else ill never sleep..im forever worrying about something and it is hard to calm down..i want to be saved before i manage to kill myself...i dont know when it will suddenly happen but its just one of those things i kinda know will happen..i want to die to much to just let it drop and not worry about it..all i do is write, write, write..all day long im writing without ever picking up a pen..i cant turn my head off and all day there is something going on that i need to write down and its like im forever talking to myself in my head..writing my life story that i dont even know about since it will never be published or anything..who in there right mind would ever want to read about my life? nothing interesting or worth there time has ever happened to me..ive had a boring life and i havent even ever broken a bone..maybe i should go play in traffic and break something and then listen to mommy come up with an excuse for why i was standing in the middle of traffic..i know she would because if they said i was just flat out in the middle of the street standing there ..mommy would swear i was doing something else or i had some other reason to be there..the obvious is just to wrong to be true and there is nothing true in the truth which makes it all a bunch of lies but by then i would forget what even i knew to be true anyway..so i guess everyone but me would be happy with the outcome and i of course would be in the hospital..you know you can go to jail for threatening to kill yourself and that is seriously the stupidest thing ive ever heard of in my life..almost as stupid as reporting a suicidal person in the first place..but then ive already been on the receiving end of a suicidal person and ive been suicidal enough to have someone completely freaking out for me when i dont have the energy to care one way or another about anything that goes on..and it is nerve wrecking in the worst way worrying if they will do anything and there is no way to get up with them..it sucks and its so so hard...im really really glad i wasnt placed i nthe dss places for my intern..it would kill me literally i have no idea who i would have handled any of it...right now the stress isnt really getting to me but im not dealing with abuse or neglect or anything..i have the kids who are fighting to go home and be as normal as they can be and i can deal with that ok..but for other reasons i do have to write or im pretty sure my head will fall off or something..sometimes i worry if i dont control everything i will float off becasue there is so much stuff being crowded into my head..im starting to get distracted ..its 9 and im ready to go to bed..im not feeling good anyway..talked about my weird obssession with the grocery store today with janet and it was interesting..i seriously think im one of like a million ppl who actually likes going to the grocery store..i would see no problem with going to the grocery store just to look around and not buy anything..doesnt make sense but then theres not much about me that does

crazy normal

today was ok i guess kinda maybe sorta..i woke up not feeling good and wanting to call in sick so so much..but i didnt and i went to work and kinda woke up some...the morning went by really fast and i actually got some more orientation stuff out of the way..i actually made phone calls before i went home and made appts and everything..after lunch i was still ok but really sleepy and so cold..i kept my jacket on all day until i went out shopping with yvonne and i was pretty ok temp wise..but as soon as it got dark and the sun was gone stepping outside made my body temp drop to like 5degrees..i got so cold so fast and just couldnt warm up at all..yvonne and alexis say it feels good and im so cold im shivering and getting goosebumps..it doesnt make sense and im afraid to go to the doc and have them tell me i just dont have iron in my system at all..because first i know they will tell me to start eating meat again..and i dont really want that much..next would be flat out iron pills and ive just heard not great stuff about that..i have been remembering to take the reg vitamins and the b complex stuff that turns pee into like neon yellow..at first i was really scared about that but i looked up info on it and its ok..but still really freaky.anyway i cant regulate my body temp at all anymore..im either to hot or to cold and now with the weather just cooling off by itsself im worried ill just freeze all the time because i dont like wearing a coat and i dont want to wear a sweatshirt since i have to be professional..i dont know what im going to do..i prefer to be cold than hot but if im getting so cold i cant feel my fingers im not seeing a benefit here..and as much as i like to torture myself for the heck of it i dont like watching my fingers turn blue..still i think ill wait it out for a little while..just to see if it gets any worse or something..but how ill even know when it gets worse i really have no idea but i guess ill have to figure it out...its really really hard dealing with everyday stuff when my mood drops so fast and then gets better really fast..all day its been up and down and when im at the hospital i try really hard to not let it show so much..and so i force myself to go and talk to the nurses or to janet and cindy, or play with the kids..i hope it doesnt show...when im just in the office being quiet i try to pay attention to whats being talked about around me without being in the way or anything..it helps i guess and it gives me something else to kinda focus on for little bits of time but when im by myself its not that easy at all..it just kinda leaks out and i cant stop it...i dont know what im supposed to be doing and i juts get upset because i cant control it anymore..tonight i went to dinner twice..really funny how it happened but anyway i went to dinner twice and the second time so focused on dessert but yvonne and alexis started talking about family and boyfriend stuff and i just starting to feel incredibly left out and sad..i dont give out much information on family and yvonne only knows some things because shes around mommy sometimes and sometimes i tell her stuff..but not a lot and good grief it takes a long time to get information out of me about anything..but anyway im just listening to them talk about all this different stuuff..like serious stuf fand just deal with it and i cant even begin to talk about family with out getting scared or something..somethings im ok with but once its past surface stuff i have nothing to say and i couldnt say anything if i was being tortured to death for information..id be dead before they got any info out of me just because i would want it..yes i guess im prepared to die before i tell secerts...would i die to protect my secerts? yea i would and i think i would prefer that to talking..that way at least i know i cant get in trouble for saying anything..but the more i just listened the more i left like i didnt belong because i caouldnt talk like them..i dont really want to be them i just dont want to be me and it all just sucks so much..so i just started zoning out and getting sadder and sadder but not saying anything about it..why would i say anything about it when i couldnt possibly even begin to explain anything about why it was happening..no point in getting it started when i wouldnt be able to finish it..the more i force myself to stay seperated the harder it gets to be involved in anything..i always feel like i have to lie about something to protect someone else..but i would never consider protecting myself..i dont think its fair for me to be completely ok with dying to stop myself from talking..there is a certain level of unstabilty to that statement and it doesnt make sense. i really really considered b/p today but i didnt and it was really hard to sit there and not go to the bathroom when i know i could have gotten away with it..being full annoys me..because there is always the thought of i should have known better or i shouldnt have eaten that..i really have to wonder why i havent made more serious attempts at dying when i try so hard to get it all the time...no idea why its so hard for me to want to do it so much and be to scared to even really try..im up to late..finally im getting my car tomorrow i hope..and even that scares me a little bit..i dont really trust my abilty but i know i have to get more used to driving..i cant be scared because the second i really start to doubt myself ill get into an accident..i have to becareful but not stupid..i dont know the balance yet but i guess ill have to think of something soon..already im trying to figure out ways to drive that will keep me away from big crowds until im ready..and weekend shopping early in the morning or late at night comes to mind..so maybe i will be ok and able to figure it out without killing myself in the process..i did buy a couple new cds today..dont know why if im getting an ipod for my birthday..but it was a lisa loeb cd and a tori amos cd..very nice and there two ive wanted for a while

lost

you cant change the past so im told..so that means i shouldnt be upset that i just gave myself a massive headache throwing up dinner..the bad part being i knew better and i just didnt care..i didnt really try hard to stop..and i feell very sick right this minute and to take my mind off of things i just started looking up things i want to buy..i want an ipod for my birthday..and so ill buy myself one when my birthday comes around..i might have to buy it before my birthday just because i dont know what i will be feeling like then..i was thinkingabout it before i started eating dinner and of course when i started it wasnt really about b/p at all..it just kinda happened..but anyway i was thinking about when dr bass asked if i was eating healthy and i said sure..knowing i had b/p recently..and i seriously think i would die before i let anyone willingly know i just happen to occansionally throw up my food..a small handfull of people know but more ppl know about the cutting..someone might think i actually have a problem with eating normally and i dont..i eat fine i just dont happen to like eating and that just doesnt make sense...yesterday i was just randomly thinking about how much eating was starting to annoy me..today i didnt want to eat but i did anyway..i know whats behind it too..but i wont blame it on my birthday because every so often i just end up b/p a lot for a little while and then it goes away again with nothing broken...i could just wait it out and see what happens..no im not going to start purging in the hospital that would be really stupid and i wouldnt be able to get away with it for long..but yes i do consider the whole possible ed as a lot worse than the cutting..but i would give the ed before i give up cutting..it doesnt make sense..they both do the same thing pretty much i guess..i dont want to do any of them but if i had to pick ill sick with the cutting..at least then i can see what im doing..i have a problem with not being able to see what im doing..i can ask or look up what all goes along with b/p but i wont see anything ever unless i did it for a really long time...and since i do it off and on and not more than a couple weeks it can be considered that im fine..i had blood work done a while ago and i was fine then..im fine now..but still that could change really fast and i wont know it...not until its to late probably..that would suck for me since im guessing i could just say stop and i would..but that wouldnt really work either i dont think..i dont know what i want..i talked about suicide today with someone..just the general questions of if i had ever tried or not..and what ive done doesnt even get close to dying..just getting really sick for a day or so and then i can forget all about it and go on with what ever life i happen to be living..not that im going to die tomorrow or anything but i should be concerned that i dont care..if i died tomorrow i might be happy i might not consdiering nothing makes me happy anymore..i thought about the benefits of anti depressants today and i really dont need to have meds like that just lying arond..not cool and when i cant trust myself to be sane for longer than five minute intervals whats left..i would be dumb enough to try and kill myself and then not get away with it...i keep forgetting what it is that actually keeps me here...last night yvonne started talking about mommy again when she asked me why we didnt go and get my car..she told me that its not right to be treated like your the gum on a persons shoe and it would be funny if it wasnt true..she said other stuff to and i told her that it wasnt a big deal and she said it was...my whole inabilty to get mad just gets on my nerves...i want to be mad and i cant..it just doesnt work..and when i am mad i make sure it doesnt last long at all..i dont like feeling out of control..i work to hard to make sure i kkeep things under control as much as i can..maybe thats why i dont like change at all..i think i will be alone for forever..i cant like myself, i barely put up with myself..its always the same back and forth kinda thing..just when i start to think im ok something happens to make me remember that im just not good enough..as much as i like yvonne and put up with her i let her get away with a lot of stuff and just because im used to it i dont say anything because i dont know but it was her last night who let me remember that im just expected to do certain things.. you dont just put a pot on the stove and walk out of the kitchen because im standing there..i could have just forgot about it and left it to burn but i didnt..considering that yvonne uses all the food i buy like its hers..most of the time i dont care because i wont eat it anyway but somethings i just want to be asked before its assumed that ill say yes..maybe this wouldnt happen if i wouldstand up for myself..standing up for myself would imply that i care and i dont..maybe im just feeling overly depressed again right now or maybe i just shouldnt have purged..but at least i stopped when it started to hurt..i keep thinking i want to cry and im trying hard to not let that happen..i dont want to cry because crying is for babies and im to old to cry over nothing..no reason to cry if you dont have a good reason and i dont have reason at all..im just making myself sad and i sould get my act together..i keep trying to come up wtih some picture of this person im supposed to be and i just dont think it will ever happen..i could almost swear i died like 20 years ago..how odd is it to even say that...i do enough to pass for being alive but sometimes it really does feel like im just not there and no one looked for me when it mattered..why should i care that anyone looks now..im not there to be found anymore

.

im feeling a little better today i think..nothing dastric or anything but an improvment and it took a while yesterday but by the time i stopped writing and yvonne got my attention on something else i was ok for a while..eventually i got around to getting sad again but then i just went to bad and started to worry a lot but i still remember to do the mindfullness thingy when i cant sleep and my head starts getting away from me...and it worked enough to calm down enough to go to sleep...so it was ok..i didnt wake up feeling horrible just kinda out of it and i actaully stayed half sleep until almost 8..i did go to class and i did pay attention but we just talked about what we had been doing during the week at work...and we even got out of class early so im not complaining...i didnt want to talk to anyone yet i went to see dr bass and she as actually in her office...talked about class and stuff nothing big but it was just nice being in her office and i dont know...it made me feel better for some reason..i think i need more contact than i would ever care to admit

confusingly depressing

i dont think i can say im not having a good day when i havent done anything today. just kinda wasted the day and its only a little after 3:30 but then i woke up around 6 this morning and couldnt go back to sleep. didnt do anything this morning and i didnt do anything yesterday except wait for mommy or the guy with my car to call..mommy called but the other guy didint ...not that i wanted him to because mommy is dead set on me writing a check that cant be cashed and i dont like that or want to do it so ive been putting off talking to her..i dont care if idont get the car this weekend..its been this long im not missing much..so whats a few more days? mommmy will be really mad though since ive been avoiding her calls today..but as of like an hour ago she hadnt called me yet..lucky me but she will call before the night is over so ill just wait..i ahvent asked yvonne to go anywhere since i dont have money to spend anyway and it wouldnt have any point to going out because ill be to tempted to buy something with money i cant spend...so hanging out at home works out in a way..but being here makes me bored and i did watch a few movies and caught up on my cartoons im still bored...everything is boring lately..ive taken enough online quizzes today to drive myself up the wall and some of them are fun and i know they arent to be taken seriously but some of them are incredibly close at predicting stuff..so it keeps me occupied for a while. i like thaking the personality ones because there stupid and most of the time the answers are completely off..i keep trying to think of something to do but theres nothing i feel like doing...i could prolly watch something burn down and not care right this minute..my eyes are going all weird today and its really hard focusing on anything ..kinda fuzzy or something..no idea whats going on though..i have been taking my vitamins and i started taking b complex because i asked someone and they said it was good to help with energy levels..so it cant hurt to give it a try and when i looked it up online it said that lacking b vitamins can have a hand in being anemic so i cant see how it would hurt..ive finished my homework for the most part for tomorrow and i know im juts going to go to class and zone out completely for two hours. i dont know what i want to do..every few mintues its something different...randomly wanted to cry a second ago but i dont know..a minute before that i wanted to cut but i didnt think about it long enough to even get around to talking myself out it. i need to break a bone so i can get viacodin..although i dont think i can zone out any more than i already have still it would be nice to just not care for a little while. i spend all week looking at calendars and it doesnt matter how i count it my birthday is still in a little over a week and that doesnt seem to be changing any time soon. i can ignore it but ecentually it will still get here. sometimes i talk about it and can look forward to it but most of the time if im by myself and thinking about it i just dont want it at all..same thing every year and i really dont know if i expected this one to be any different at all. i hate that people still call me by the wrong name, im trying hard enough to get up and do what im supposed to be doing every day and ppl just unintentionally make it harder..none even know i had a sister but i have no idea why if im gonna be called the wrong name it has to be hers...i dont mention it because i think it will just make it worse..but still as it is now i guess it cant be any worse. i just dont know why it happens and it bothers me..i prolly wouldnt like it anymore if i did know why it was happening. the more i think about it the guilty i get..ive had the whole thing explained to me more than once and i still think the same thing..if i say it was my fault then i want everyone to agree with me and just let it go but that doesnt happen either..and so i know how the realistic part goes and how it couldnt possibly be my fault but it doesnt matter anyway..saying its my fault gives me something to focus on even if it is a lie. im not entirly stupid but i can keep ignoring the obvious until even that gets taken away and all thats left i guess is the truth..and the truth just sucks all around..i dont think ill have a purpose at all if i cant take the blame for somtehing i didnt do..but still i really have no idea why i wasnt used to save her..if i was healthier and didnt need the stupid liver then why didnt they think to take it? im completely useless and it sucks..even though i can be completely realistic when i want to be and i can understand a million different reasons for why i wasnt used it doesnt make it any better...if i stick with the part i know to be wrong then maybe ill drive myself crazy or something...maybe ill suffer for the rest of my life becuase i can..but i dont really want to either..i want everything to stop and just go away and things just dont happen like that..i feel like if i cried from now until i died it still wouldnt be enough to set things right..there will always be something that i will have to work at to make better and to be accepted for..considering everything ive done i dont deserve to be accepted or forgiven for anything...maybe thats why disappearing always looks so good for me...i do want to go away and not be foound because its the only thing that seems to work..but then if i left i dont think i would ever allow myself to go back to therapy again..it just wouldnt work and if i left then i wouldnt be around anyone that knew anything about me..but knowing me it would take less than a month before i got myself into a lot of trouble for something ive managed to not do. for some reason going away doesnt even feel safe if i know that mommy would be very capable of finding me anyway...theres no such thing as escape because someone would find me...camp was fun and all but at the end of it i was expected to go home..mommy doesnt believe i will move out of nc anyway and when she asks she always mentions places where i should go because i have family there..kinda hard to explain i dont want to be anywhere near family...given i dont have issues with most of the family and i can handle being around them for short periods of time..but i just really want to be by mysself..i dont want to be expected to do anything unless i decide to do it and not someone telling me what i need to be doing...i want to be able to get away with killing myself without worrying how would be dumb enough to find me..but i cant even decide if i want to die or not..i just think it gets a lot worse around my birthday for a lot of reasons...i cant get rid of being sad and not wanting to do anything just doesnt help..no this time writing isnt helping at all either..just wasted almost a half hour though..maybe ill go mess up the kitchen or something...but since i cant think of anything to cook right now ill wait...i think im starting to push people away...i only talk to yvonne when i have to because i dont know but i do..i dont really talk to anyone anymore..maybe thats why i dont want to go to class..i dont know if ill be expected to talk when i dont want too..theres only 10 people in the class and i couldnt disappear if i wanted to..besides dr bunch would call on me if she wanted to..maybe since there will be presentations tomorrow i wont have to say anything...sometimes it feels like im just a horrible liar...well i am if im always hiding something but i cant help if i only feel safe not talking..even if it drives me completely crazy because i always want to talk but i cant..ill always worry about hurting someone else before i think about what it does to me..i could say that i dont matter but im not always so sure about that...like now i am but if i wait for a while maybe my mind will change yet again..after my 50millionth camment about always being calm today i dont know what to think..its not that i dont get mad because i do but it just doesnt show..it cant show because then ill be in trouble or ill do something really stupid..i just make it go away until it doesnt bother me anymore..maybe thats a good thing because then it makes it a lot easier to deal with everything..but if im constantly hearing its perfectly fine to be angry i dont know why it wont change..im not trying that hard to change it because i dont like being anger mainly because it just scares me...and if i make it go way then i dont have to deal with it..once one of my paintings got analyzed and i swear its like they find things i wasnt even thinking about when i started the picture but i still remember the carefully hidden anger part because that was true..all of it was prolly true but i forgot some of them..same way with the no hands thing being no control..had i known that i wouldnt have drawn it in the first place...it would be a lot easier if i knew what they were looking for before i started so i would know to stay away from it but i guess that would make the picture kinda useless...i guess its kinda funny the way i always say i dont know when im asked something when i do know the answer and just dont want to say it..and it doesnt work anymore with arran anyway because i guess she kinda knows but i still use it..guess its comforting in a way..and it does give me a little more time to think about something that i dont really want to say...i guess it doesnt make any sense to keep doing it when it doesnt really work anymore. not much seems to work so much anymore..i dont want to take the time or energy to find new things to do besides it wouldnt be the same...i like the regular stuff and i have big problems with making changes..i guess it would be incentive if it means i find a new way to make myself forget things ...but it would be to different..i could also just be dumb enough to do all the stuff i already do like a lot worse but i dont want to go to the hospital either..so ill have to find a new medium that doesnt get me in anymore trouble...im looking at my wrists again but i think ive thrown both of my arm bands away and it wouldnt be a big deal to get anymore but i liked the old ones..or i could just not care and go at my lower arms but that would not be smart and i do know that...i want to go back to cutting my arms but because of mommy i cant do that either..i did my leg last weekend and it hurt but not enough..i can go back to burning to but those just worry me and im trying to stay out of the health center..the burns go to far really fast and those take forever to get better..only takes like two days before the cuts stop hurting completely regarless of how many or how deep. burns take a couple weeks even without an infection and almost all of them get infected..besides i dont really know how to really take care of burns..they are confusing in so many ways..but cleaning up after cutting is not a piece of cake either..or i could be really smart and stop all of it..prolly a full week without cutting now but since i did throw up the other day i guess it evened out...not a good idea throwing up with yvonne at home..still a bit freaked out that she is just goin to randomly ask me if im ok or something...its not like i know if she heard me or not and i cant go back and change it so ill just have to worry...

Your Inner Child Is Sad

You're a very sensitive soul. You haven't grown that thick skin that most adults have. Easily hurt, you tend to retreat to your comfort zone. You don't let many people in - unless you've trusted them for a long time.

How Is Your Inner Child?

Your Body Image is 80% Unhealthy, 20% Healthy

Your negative body image is borderline serious. It could turn into an eating disorder or psychological problem. Perhaps you're just having a bad day. But maybe you need to think about getting help for your problem.

How's Your Body Image?

You Have a Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything. You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life. You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you. Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace. You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life. Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times. At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you. You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others. You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

What Temperment Are You?

sad

wow ive slacked off a bit in writing, havent really felt like doing much though. mostly i just end up coming home and going to bed as early as i can but a lot of the time i end up out with yvonne for a few hours after work and then i come home and go to bed..i dont think the vitamins are helping at all but its only been a week and i dont know how low my stupid iron has gotten anyway so ill wait it out a little longer i guess..not that i have time to do anything anyway. yvonne put my new bookshelf together for me yesterday because after the elliptical thingy im not allowed to put things together..had i really wanted to im pretty sure i could have but oh well no stress for me and she finished it last night after we got back from the movie..and of course dusti put herself on the bottom shelf and refused to move until yvonne hit the back of it..i needed a bookshelf though..somehow ive managed to get more books than i have space for and now i can start taking my books from mommys house before she moves because i want all of them...no idea where i would put them all but eventually ill have them all with me. the other night dusti actually managed to get almost completely out of the front door before i saw her and then i went and opened the door and yelled at her and got her back inside but i was really scared she would run the other way and i would never find her again..and im pretty sure she knew i was really not happy with her. so now i watch her a bit more closely when we have the door open..my fault for leaving it open a little bit in the first place waiting for yvonne but still really scary. ive finally got enough extra money to get her one of those climby things a really tall one just to give her something to do during the day and somewhere to play that wont break or anything. ive put off getting one long enough and ive had dusti for almost 2 years now so i know shes not going anywhere. ill prolly get it sometime this weekend. i went to the movies last night and saw click again and of course it was incredibly depressing in a it was a good movie way and ill buy it when it comes out on dvd. but lately i dont stop being sad and its really bad in the morning and at night when i dont want to get out of bed or when im so tired and want to be left alone. during the day im busy enough to get around it and keep working during the day but its still there. im trying hard not to be incredibly quiet at the hospital and its taking some time but im starting to talk more. im more comfortable with the kids and nurses and docs and everything. but its hard when half the time i just want to go home and sleep im so tired. i spend most of the day yawning regardless of how much sleep i get and most nights its really close to 8/9 hours. im pretty sure im sleeping since i ahvent had any bad dreams for a while and i dont think theres a way to be sleep and not sleep at all...maybe i dont relax or something or maybe i can just get a doctor to give me an order to take a nap during the day. im glad its friday and im glad ill ahve a break from getting up so early. mommy as usual is yelling at me about money..its great to know im liked when theres money invovlved. as long as i paid what bills i have on time i didnt think it mattered but it does and when i go home ill get in more trouble again..sucks to be me...hmm i woke up really early today..but time to get ready for work again

i hate being sick

just writing

i actually managed to get almost everything done today that i planned on...finished cleaning up and did my hair..didnt do laundry but oh well on that i guess ill get it done soon...i finished cleaning this morning and it was incredibly tiring...i wish i could have taken a nap but i didnt..im almost positive i took my vitamin this morning but i dont really remember...but still im pretty sure i did..started working out again today..im missing the constant moving of being at camp so working out it is..besides it will give me something to do to wake me up in the morning...but nothing that interesting anyway..kinda bored after my morning ended but my mood is still ok..i think i was just more tired today than usual because i didnt sleep alot last night..my leg should be feeling better tonight too and so that would help...

funny quote
-reality is a crutch for ppl who cant handle drugs

ok so i lied

im feeling a little guilty for what i did...but happier than i have been all week too...very weird trade off...but to keep myself busy ive been cleaning...kitchen is mostly done again and my room is actually looking like a room..i can see my floor and all my bags have finally managed to be stored away in my closets..i have no idea how ive managed to get so much junk but im seriously running out of storage space...i need to get a book shelf i have so many books now..and i dont even mean to buy then but i just kinda get them from different places and until i started cleaning and noticed all the books piling up on the floor i figure its time i got a book shelf...maybe then ill even get to put up some of my frames ive been collecting for no real reason...my closets are overflowing with clothes..a lot of them i dont wear and have no intention of wearing either...i should just give them away but ill wait and maybe donate them somewhere when i have my car that im still waiting for and ill be paying for thanks to mommy making stuff up again...but anyway im kinda glad i finished cleaning my room pretty much...makes me feel like im not such a slacker...ill finish the bathrooms and living room tomorrow when im finishing laundry and other stuff...as long as i dont get to distracted i should be ok ...found my cards and things and tomrrow ill look for my journal from camp because it has all of my warm fuzzies in it that i was dorky enough to actually keep..but im getting sleepy now

..

no shame
no guilt

not this time....it doesnt hurt as much as it should...calming down..just kinda want to sleep for a while because im tired..to early for bed so im watching zoolander because itwill take my mind off of things for a while..my head just got away from me for a while after i finished watching a show and it was hard to control my head when i just kept thinking about how im never going to be counted as normal..i have some idea of what normal is and im just never gonna manage to get there it seems..i dont know

long weekend

i forgot how much i didnt like long weekends when i didnt have anything to do..ive done nothing remotley entertaining except watch the second season of dark angel..and even that gets boring after a while and i have to stop watching it before my brain explodes...did a little cleaning every day and woke up early and got some laundry done..but after that ive just been hanging around wasting time...i keep tinking of things i have to do and just not caring enoguh to do them...so far ive taken a nap every day and still been sleep at night by 10ish..i dont need that much sleep at all but im still waking up really early...not having bad dreams or anything just not feeling like im sleeping as much as i am...right now im half watching cartoons and listening to music and writing here and a couple other places..obessing about not being able to finish the poem ive worked on for almost 2 years..i keep thinking i should finish it but i dont know what else to say..i should prolly let someone else read it and see if it makes any sense before i try to add anything else..its already really long as it is..so i dont know..just feeling like writing again kinda..otherwise im juts noticing im still really sad without knowing why..i wish it would just go away and leave me alone..finally noticed my birthday is really like three weeks away and im not looking forward to it for another year..im betting on whether mommy will forget again or not..if i go home between now and then i know ill see riley and harris and they know my birthday is coming cas i told them what i wanted..its easy with them..they like the movies i like for the most part and if they dont like it they sitll sit there and watch it with me..besides im not expecting anything from them since there mom paid for my ticket to see the lion king with them..but other than that i really dont know what i want for my birthday besides the usual movies and clothes...maybe ill get myself an ipod...i really want a few seasons of xena and the 1st season of strong medicine but i can getthose by myself and i know better than to ask mommy for them...she doesnt like that i can waste money on movies..its not like i waste it since i like the movies i buy but to her its wasting...but im an incredibly boring person so its not like i have a huge list of things i want...a ps2 comes to mind but riley and harris are trying hard to get me to take theres lol...funny listening to them bargin with me for it..ive gotten them down to like 5 bucks for theres but i wouldnt ever buy it from them but its fun playing along with them for the time being...they tried hard to get me to order the book i really want off of ebay and im trying hard not too because i want it in paperback and i canat find it in paper back yet ugh..so im trying to wait because if i buy it in hardback it will throw off the series..im a dork about odd things..if i start a series then all the books have to be the same..either all hardback or all paperbook or else it will bother me for forever...i think im gonna get some new paint and canvas's...yvonne has been using a lot of my paint and most of my colors are gone so ill just have to move them when i start using them again...i was talking to someone else about p[ainting this morning and funny i was the one who said that art cant suck because everyone sees it differently...especially when i say my paintings are horrible and should be burned like now but still i keep all of them..so i guess it doesnt matter as long as it keeps me busy when i need to stay busy...

found this today somewhere online and decided i liked it

-I am not a problem to be fixed, but a work in progress.

the one i remember most from camp is

- your silence will not protect you

saw that one on the back of a car after the first white water rafting trip...i still remember it..it just makes sense to me in the most off the wall way since i kinda stick really hard to not talking..oh well

dont know

since i got a day off from work because of the storm im just hanging around not doing much of anything...yvonne went home so i have the house to myself for like all weekend..not that i have anything at all to do or anywhere to go but the quietness is creepy after a while...there isnt any flooding at all where im at so im guessing i got off easy complared to some places..hopefully it will go down soon and not cause to much damage...something is bothering me a lot..underlying sadness i cant get to but its not going anywhere either because ive noticed it for a while...guess its nothing to worry about maybe for now..somehow i learned that valium is a muscle relaxer and why i bothered remembering i dont know..prolly picked it up in the hospital ..but viacodin makes you not care..those were nice feelings over the summer all the two times i took some..my head is all over the place right now..i watched underworld a little while ago and so vampires are completely taking over my head..when i was younger i was positive vampires existed and that i could be one if i really really wished for it...well it never happened but back then i wanted to be one because nothing could kill them..the whole drinking blood thing wouldnt work out but otherwise there were perfect to me..i still really like them and although i know now i cant be one its entertaining to think about..i like things that dont count as real to most ppl counting as normal..being a faerie would have been my second choice..flying would be great..being able to disappear and not be hurt are kinda guidelines for picking out things i want to be..things that have no chance at all of ever happening but nice to think about...

shamed

i
hate
myself
for
everything
ive
done

yvonne gives me a dress to try on..and its a really nice dress..incredibly formal and nice and for special occasions..the only problem being that it was sleeveless..she said i should try it on..so i try it on and surprise surprise..it fits..but i put my tshirt back on over it and refused to take it off..i told her the dress just looked horrible and she could have her poster back because i wont take the other shirt off...i loved the dress even if i didnt have any reason to wear it i liked it alot..but i already know what my arms and chest look like..and i know i couldnt wear that dress ever because theres nothing over it..and its my fault..i cant explain either..it was just ok the dress is horrible and so you cant see it..i was fine with it until i found out the dress really fit..and then it just kinda set in that i couldnt wear it anywear because i wouldnt be comfortable in it..i wouldnt be comfortable having my arms out and i would never be brave enough to go out in it without anything on my arms..so many things in my head now..im not happy with myself right now at all..and im tired enough to know ill be sleep soon but i still have to wake up in the morning..and freak out finding something to wear that i can deal with..i still have to look at all the scars every single day..im a liar because i keep trying to make myself believe i dont care that i have the scars and they dont bother me when they do..they bother me when i worry about what someone will say about them...i cant tell yvonne that i cut..its not even that she wouldnt understand because i dont know but its just that i dont want her to treat me any different...it came up again today about how she doesnt know how i manage to deal with mommy everyday becuase she couldnt..i cant either with out help and its not even good help since im forever trying to die without doing anything...it hurts right now everything just hurts and i would be glad to hide for the rest of my life

forcing myself to stay awake

i need to be in bed..but i got sidetracked once again goingo ut with yvonne and then coming home and messing with pictures and watching a movie that i really liked and so im glad i bought it...spent some time in barnes and nobles reading a really intersting physch book about adults abused in childhood and it had my attention for a good while..i wanted to buy it but didnt because i didint have the money on me..maybe ill go back and get it..or most likely find a copy online if i really want it..went out for dinner and to a few stores..got my pictures from walgreens and instead of paying over 60 for them i got them for 20ish...307 pictures for 20 bucks..lucky me! hmm arm is doing really good from when i cut the other night..i didnt do a lot or anythin serious so im not worried about them and they should fade out pretty fast..im getting a cold and spent all day long sneezing up a lung in the hospital...cindy finally gave me some sinus meds but it didnt really help..i was still really foggy and out of it for most of the day but i didnt leave early or anything for it...went and said hi to the kids onthe floor that are used to me.set up a few appts for the rest of the week...managed fin aid stuff i hope...missed my advisor and had to email him..im really hoping that the hurricane thats supposed to be coming doesnt..and i should watch the news and find out whats going on..

something is making me really nervous and i dont know what..if i stop moving i get anxious and cutting has been in my head since i got out of the bookstore but i dont really want to because im afraid it wont help...its to late to do to many things but the meds i took are kicking in and ill be out in a little while..so many things are in my head right now that i cant get rid off..i want to talk to prof dunn but i cant and im really worried ill have to have another teacher meeting with like 50 teachers and me..i dont like the whole isolated feeling im getting and i miss the safety of camp and just want to go back...at least there i wasnt completely in the real world and i didnt have to worry about more than i could handle at a time...but now im back in school and i just worry all day long...because of what i read in the bookstore i have a lot of unanswered questions in my head...and i really want someone to blame it on but i just happen the be the only person around yet again..still majorly easy to blame things on myself but now i dont have a way to stop it...im trying really hard to drink more water again because i can tell i was dehydrated for a couple days and made myself drink...im trying to remember to take my vitamin in the morning and eat breakfast so i dont forget..so two morning in a row can be considered a small good thing i think...im not purging but im getting really close to being back under a 1000cals a day...and i count cals enough when i want to to know that its not a huge issue as long as what im eating isnt junk food...but still i know that under a 1000 is still considered starving which i refuse to let myself forget since i found it out...and i dont know if im trying or if im just doing it but i dont really care...im sitting here now and have been for the past couple hours talking myself out of eating anything because im not supposed to eat after like 6:30..i would push it up but im still around the hospital at 5 and if im cooking i need the extra time..and today was a fairly low day cal wise..but ill be ok..im guessing that since cutting doesnt work anymore i can do other stuff but i go back and forth between purging and not eating way to easily..and i dont want to purge just because it makes my nose bleed so not eating is next...im working really hard to control it without going overboard..next question would be and how will i recognize when ive gone overboard?! im really quite stupid at times and i should know better and i do know better..and i still refuse to see any of it..i could ignore it until all of it managed to kill me and i did use to think that would be ok...but i havent died yet..tried but nothing seems to work..and now of the tries were serious in the slightest but still..and i think im just making myself paranoid...and since i have to be up in like 6 hours i better go to bed and pretend to sleep

things arent looking so rotten

today was busy...really really busy..i woke up early because i needed to go get index cards and finish stuff before class..which i got done..i got my homework done and got the cards i needed...i went to class and it wasnt bad..i went and got copies and faxed my license to the insurance place...and then ran into dr bass and talked to her for a little while before she had class..went and talked to dr miller about a bunch of stuff...went to fin aid and talked to them and now i have fin aid! that made my day completely...i know im not drinking enough though because i was walking around all day and started to get a headache but it just made it worse since i didnt bother really stopping for lunch..but i now have fin aid and i finished most of what i had to do today..so now i just have to get ready for the rest of the week...still really disappointed about cutting last night..and it didnt help at all really and i dont know what im supposed to be doing..is it even possible to be really mad at cutting...ifs its possible or not i am..im mad at it for changing and not letting me know about it..and its not suppose to change without me doing it or wanting to do it..and it just sucks oh well i guess..just really confused again

stupid

i should have tried harder and i didnt ...if cutting doesnt help anymore then i dont know what my options are

a million headaches

i have another headache but thats because i took a nap that i didnt need to take and when i woke up my head wouldnt stop hurting..i didnt take anything for it and now i getto suffer but its been happening a lot lately...woke up yesterday close to 8 and took a nap around 1ish and then was ready to take another nap by 6..not cool and instaed of going to sleep i asked yvonne to take me to get a soda since we were in the middle of our road trip and i was being horrible company since i kept falling asleep in the car...but we went on a road trip yesterday and went to raleigh and of course went to build a bear and the disney store and other random stores...allen and justin met up with us at the mall and we went out to lunch together and that was ok..justins not bad and we get along ok but all the same nothing is going to happen..i met allens parents yesterday and im actually starting to get more comforatable being around him...we spent the night at allens house and i took justins bed and i tried to get out of it but he wouldnt hear it so i got his bed for the night and its incredibly weird sleeping in someone elses bed and after i stopped freaking out about it i fell asleep and it was ok...we came back this morning because mommy was supposed to be bringing my car but of course that didnt work out and still no car for me and no idea when ill be getting it and its really starting to suck..but i should have expected things to not work out like they were supposed too...but yvonne has been really nice about taking me places and to work and everyhting and i give her gas money when i ask to go somewhere...we are going to see over the hedge tonight and that will be a lot of fun because ive already seen it and she hasnt but it was good and i think she will like it...on the way back from raleigh she told me that she was really glad i was in her life and i really wanted to not believe her and say that she was just saying it because i was sitting in the car with her not doing anything..but no she explained it out for me and i just got around to believing what she said..its still uncomfortable having ppl say anything good about me and i am trying hard to deal with it and not freak out completely...ive gotten better at it but i dont know...im still confused about the whole someones lying to me and i dont want to think about what is true and whats not because it just gives me a headache...i know the truth because im not a complete dork but ignoring it just isnt working out..because if i think about it long enough without being interupted i can come up with a heck of a lot of junk i would never bother telling anyone because it wouldnt make sense..the fin aid stuff is starting to worry me because i cant really do anything on campus and my class has once again been dropped and i dont have the time to get anything done..tomorrow is going to be so busy going back and forth trying to cram everything in and not being able to i dont think...class is at a horrible time tomorrow and i still have stuff to do for that class that i havent finished yet...i did manage to get all of my clothes picked up for the mpst part and i need to get dusti to the vet sometime soon because shes not drinking a lot of water and im worried but i havve to wait until i find out about school junk first..mommy keeps telling me not to spend any money because i might not be getting fin aid and i know that if i dont get any now my bank acct will be emptied and then i will have to go home every weekend to babysit and that wont work out either..as if i dont have enough stuff to worry about..yvonne is starting to get annoyed with mommy because i was making her rush back this morning because mommy didnt know i was out of town and i knew if she came and i wasnt there i would be in a lot of trouble and yvonne didnt get why it would matter..and after a while it gets hard explaining anything about how things with mommy works because it really doesnt make sense at all...i feel stupid trying to explain any of it because it does sound like its wrong after a couple mintues..and im used to all of it and it doesnt bother me until it starts to bother someone else..we also talked about my inablity to yell ..which still surprises the heck out of me..i say i yell and everyone else says i dont and that i couldnt yell if my life depended on it...yvonne says she has never heard me yell and ive lived with her for almost a year and a half now..she also told me last night that shes never been mad at me because i was watching rent and i asked her if she ever got mad at me would she tell me in a song...so then we got on the convo of that shes never been mad at me and that im a great roommate and friend etc etc...so it was an interesting ride back this morning...we got back and colored instead of cleaning and listened to music and played with dusti and fell asleep watching a movie before coming to campus..she also told me for the fifty millionth time that the shirt i was wearing was nice...and i told her so and she said ok but i know the next time she sees me in it she will say the same thing..but i was thinking about why i didnt really like it and of course i know i dont have much self confidence at all and maybe thats all of it..i mean theres really no point in liking myself when i always hear i need to change something or stop doing something..kinda puts a damper on things..but anyway havent been purging since the last time i did it while i was at home...trying hard not to cut but i think thats just turning into a losing battle..things are just starting to crowd in on me and i cant fix any of it so it seems and it sucks big time..im not looking forward to tomorrow at all...but i guess ill just ha ve to see how it goes..a routine is starting to fall into place so maybe it will help..

thinking to much

yesterday i started thinking that maybe my iron has dropped more than it needed too..and i have no idea where ive stuck the vitamins i was taking and im not that interested in buying more..but my energy is dead and gone...if i didnt have to be awake i think i would be sleeping the day away...i told yvonne i was gonna try coffee this weekend and she told me i would probably spit it out if i drunk it black..but i have every intention of trying it and if i start bouncing off the walls maybe ill clean up my clothes that are becoming one with the floor right now..but its really hard focusing when i just want to sleep but all the same i made it through my first week of being at the hospital and getting the badge was still my favoritest part..and im a dork but getting to open the locked doors is majorly cool for no real reason..but i learned my way around the rehab part and learned how to do an assment and got to go on a couple trips with the physical therapists and patients that were a lot of fun..and everyone is really nice and helpful...and im feeling more comfortable being there i think..confusing learning all the names but im being included and the nurses and ppl have no problem with me tagging along at random times...still its nice to have off the weekend cas it was busy and stressful without really being expected to do anything..and i get to take my care bear lunchbox which makes my day too..and i was never sure when i would get to use it when yvonne got it for me a while ago...but now i get to use it and it works out..but other than it its going ok i think..

im going to talk to dr miller on monday and im not really worried about it but it sucks that prof dunn isnt teaching this semester..i miss her although i dont think ill e ver tell her that ...but still its not cool not being able to drop by her office whenever i wanted to..being on campus once a week is different than being stuck there for most of the week all day and not doing anything...its ok at the hospital and everything but i miss having time to waste during the day...and i had more to write but im getting tired so ill do it tomorrow i guess

hmmm

ive decided that i really dont like being scared and nervous about something and i dont like not knowing what is going to happen..it sucks royally and its a pain in the butt...my first day at the hospital really wasnt bad at all..saw a lot and learned a lot and forgot every name i was told but other than that it was fun..a little overwhelming but nothing horrible and having information thrown at me all day is nerve wrecking and i have no idea how people get used to it...fin aid is still screwed up big time and i just dont know how its going to be fixed..working everyday wont be to bad...class is going to be a big stresser and being in the hospital all day is really weird..it still makes me nervous just going back and forth on the floors..i cant help thinking that someone is going to jump out and grab me and put me in the hospital and ill never be able to get out again..i walked by the pysch unit a million times today and i asked if i ever got to go there and janet said not really but i could if i wanted to and set up the shadow thing and i said it would be fun..but i have no idea why i want to go..ok so i do know..i want to know how it works and what i ts like..and when i wasnt completely weirded out by it i was positive that somehow i would end up there and it would be so weird being in the hospital you worked at even for a short time..and im being really confusing right now..my head is all over the place im guessing and im in the library and dusti is gonna be so mad at me for leaving her all day and i went out to dinner with yvonne and it was fun..we were going to go to a movie but put it off for a few days..im gonna be by myself this weekend and im not sure i want that..im confusing myself a lot right now

...

its alright to be scared to be doing something new... i think..im putting off getting out of bed because im nervous and i dont know what im going to be doing..i would rather juts stay in bed all day and pretend to clean my room and eeverything but i cant..i have to get up very soon since ive lost almost half and hour doing nothing..i shouldnt worry since im pretty sure everything will be fine but i will anyway

bite me

life sucks and then you die - forgot where i saw that at but it was prolly some place i didnt need to be

yvonne is annoying me by trying to fix me up with on of her friends and i could tell her now that it wont work but instead ill ignore her when she brings it up

i did nothing but drag all my stuff from downstairs upstairs and now my room and half of the hallway looks like a tornado hit it and im just stuck in the middle

ugh so much to do but im going to bed anyway

uneasy

good news - i got my license today ...for some reason i dont care anymore so i guess the newness has worn off..but i get my car in afew days and then things will be just peachy..

or not even close

so i find out that as of right now i dont have any fin aid..what the heck am i supposed to be doing exactly?? they are dumb enough to tell me that my appeal was approved and now they dont even give me fin aid?! all they keep telling me is to wait until the admin guy makes a decision..well good grief classes start tomorrow and i have to go to the hospital..i dont have time to get to campus at any time anymore before 5 and what am i supposed to be doing if im technically not sign up for any classes because i know my schedule will be cancelled again soon..no idea what im supposed to be doing or thinking..i emailed dr miller to see what he says to do and at some point ill have to call mommy and tell her ive some how messed things up again and that i ahve to come up with a lot of money like now..things just have a really funny way of not working out when i think they are going pretty well...i had to go to a meteing today about field stuff and all of it is really overwhelming now..im perfectly fine being in dr bunch's class because i like her and i know she wont let me slack off but i looked at the sylabus and it freaked me out..we are in class once a week but theres all these huge projects that have to be done...i dont manage my time well and i know that but just looking at everything thats expected out of me is nerve wrecking and it makes me really nervous..just because maybe i know ill keep waiting till the last minute and then screw up and not graduate..now that everyone expects me to graduate ill be dumb enough to do something that will have me taken out of the program because i dont know how to handle stress in a good way..im perfectly fine with all the bad ways really..they dont bother me any more at all..maybe its just because im sitting here thinking about cutting...almost four months down the drain if i do..but then i talked to jenny well emailed her and we have once again decided that purging is the same as cutting..done differently but pretty much the same and so i can say im not cutting but i havent stopped doing the not so good things at all..and if i havent stopped then there isnt anything at all keeping me from cutting if i wanted too...and i also know that at any time reality will set in and i will realize that everything i just wrote is completely stupid and doesnt make sense and i know that but ill just keep ignoring it until i cant anymore..and im really not in a good mood right now at all..i have so much to do in the apartmnet and instead im sitting here writing this instead of putting my stuff away and cleaning up..just looking at the living room and how much stuff i have down to put away makes me want to scream and cry its so overwhelming..i have no idea where to start and i dont really want too but leaving it all down will make me feel really guilty...i dont want to be by myself right now but yvonne is busy and not here and so its just me and dusti for right now...i want to talk to someone but suddenly i have no one to talk to anymore...for a while when i started to not feel great i really wanted the safety of camp back...i knew if i talked there i would be listened too and i could talk about whatever i wanted to with bobbi jo and i was awfully close to telling her about cutting..we talked about dieting pretty often and i didnt come right out and say i b/p but i told her i did things that werent great at all and i also told to lay of fthe diet pills because they arent good..so i really want her right now but that wont happe nand im stuck with my own company and i dont want it...kinda funny i can bother myself without really doing anything..i cant figure out what im feeling really..and everytime i stop moving i juts want to cry...as much as i dont like therapy i keep going and now theres once again the possibilty i get to get out of therapy all together...and that bothers just because i have the whole contract thing going on and i kinda have to stay in therapy of some sort..and i just dont know if i want to start ovver...given its been a really long time with one person but ok i dont care...first thoughts just werent good at all and i dont want to think it anymnore but its in my head now...and i keep thinking about what i told the kids over the summer about how they need to be really careful about what they say and how it will affect someone else because onces its said it cant be taken back anymore..and you cant expect people to forgive you when you have seriously hurt there feelings...and i dont want to hurt anyone just because im in a bad mood..and i have a headache

i miss them

i just miss everyone from camp

obsessions

ok so i guess good news gets to go first....i found out today that im going to see te lion king on broadway in raleigh in oct with riley and harris and dee etc..she came in this morning and told me i needed to go and look up tickets for her and some other people and that i was going too..talk about surpirsed!!i asked her if she was serious and she was since im the one who got her credit card to buy all the tickets and i could drop dead for the amt of money she paid for those tickets but it doesnt hurt me any to agree to go..considering ive wanted to see the show since it came out like 6 years ago and ive never made it to ny to see it and when it was here i never got the chance to go and im sorry but i couldnt just shell out almost 200 bucks for one ticket! no way in a million years could i have done that..all the same i didnt have to pay and im going and it will be in oct and its not even like it can be taken away from me..mommy isnt in it at all..riley and harris want to go because i want to go...we talked about it today and seriously i watched the lion king every single weeked for almost two years and they watched it with me...i didnt make them or anything but it just kinda worked out that i liked it enough for all of us and so they watced it because it meant i was staying at there house instead of going home..if harris had his way i would never leave..riley told me today that i should go to cape fear so i could stay and babysit every weekend..dee always tells me i should transfer and just get a job being a nanny..and given the money is great and all i just dont want to be a nanny..i like kids and i like working with them but not as a nanny..riley and harris are in there own catergory since ive watched them grow up and im comfortable with them and them with me..why they like me so much ill never ever understand but i guess thats one of those things i dont need to look into too much becuase i dont know..if i ask them its simple stuff like because im fun and play with them and i know i dont do anything with them but what they see and what i see are the same in different ways..some day soon when i reread all of this i will wonder why in the world im feeling so incredibly mixed up right now..slighty sick and off but good grief im not getting my head today..yesterday was a really bad day and by the time i got home i had decided i was going to burn and nothing could talk me out of it..i wanted to cut but decided that would be way to messy to do at home..so it turned into burning and thinking about doing it made me incredibly happy because i was finally sure of something and not going back and forth..but then i get home and just didnt do it..got busy with other stuff and just stopped thinking about it really...i didnt do it last night and i didnt do it today but i did go and throw up..its depressing in so many wways..i wanted to stop and i almost thought i had and its all a bunch of lies..yesterday i started thinking that everything and everyone i saw and heard at camp was a bunch of lies too..everyone lies to me and it doesnt matter and what i want doesnt matter either because it iwll never be good enough..and i really want to believe all of that but i cant because i know bobbi jo and hollice didnt lie to me about anything..the fact that i could handle being touched and hugged without freaking out is enough to let me know i trusted them..everyone at camp i trusted not to hurt me in any way and no one did..almost three months of not being yelled at for anything is really good..i forgot for a wile that i was still a screw up..i ignored that i would have to go home and things wouldnt change at all just because i was gone..and the closer it got to going home the more i worried and the more i wondered if i would really be able to handle being back at home without doing any of the things i worked so hard to stop...it took less than two hours to remember that things dont change just because i really want them too..less time than that to remember i still suck and that doesnt really go away..and a couple days for the same old thoughts to set back in because i hear it all the time and have to agree with all of it because it makes no sense to disagree..three words to describe me at home weird, mean and selfish...three words to describe me at camp confident, dependable and determined..where has that person who lasted at camp gone?? i cant find any of the things they told me at camp anywhere in myself...i could i change so much in just a week..everything i thought i had figured out and dealt with has walked away..my head is always a back and forth battle because i try to hold on to what little bit of fun and safety i had at camp but im not at camp anymore and things arent the same either...the nicest thing ive heard since ive been back is that im not a bad driver but i still need practice...i have a whole list of things i need to work on and change though..its not that hard to see which side gets to win out..and i could fight it and disagree and for a while i refused to let go of all the things bobbi jo told me and how much i surprised her when i asked her if i was a bad person..but even that is starting to slip away..i remember what she said, i remember what they all said but its not that same when im not sitting there looking at them tell me...i believed them while i was at camp and it was fine there, i dealt with all the compliments and good wishes without disagreeing to any of them because i worked my butt off..tamara told me i had every right to brag because i had done a good job and i should be proud of myself...jim called me a goddess all summer long and wit hhim it was fine..what do they see in me that i dont see or believe..i know what they see in me but i cant believe it..not believing it though calls all of them liars and i dont want to do that..they dont lie to me..i asked bobbi jo to kidnap me before i left to go home..it was bobbi jo and hollice who stayed up and drank with me while mommy was two buildings away...i told bobbi jo my dreams and i asked tim about being a failure vs working hard..i let beth tackle me in the pond and got a million batteries from aaran for my camera..i would have never done any of that 3 months ago much less think about all of it and be happy..telling riley and harris about everything i did at camp is fun..its no big deal that i spent the better part of every week covered in paint or food..im not allowed to wear my sneakers anymore because theres paint and other junk on them..mommy tried to make me throw them away but i told her i wouldnt because they were signed and i wanted to keep them..so now im forever banned from wearing them...everyday i get up and do the same thing and still mange to get in trouble..my mosquito bites are a big issue..i keep scratching them and part of it is just a bad habit and part of it is because i like it in some weird completely not good way..i was seriously eaten alive and it shows big time on my arms and legs and it was my fault for scratching so much and im the only one who can be blamed for it..but mommy just keeps making me feel guilty for having more scars..no one will want to be around me because i have a million mosquito bites and it looks like i ahve some random disease..i would have thought it looked like i juts scratched my mosquito bites but i guess im looking at it wrong..i didnt realize working in the hospital would be such a big deal..who really cares what my finger nails will look like or if im wearing something new or something old...i have a million new clothes and shoes because im trying to make a good impression but i dont care..if its going to be this much of a hassle i dont want it..why have a job ill hate before i ever get to it..no point in graduating if ill have something standing right there to tell me everything that i might do wrong before i ever have the chance to do them...so much for having a chance to d o anything at all...im not trusted to do anything and what i do manage to do doesnt matter or count at all..no such thing as getting thanks for anything i do because its just expected of me..i have the time and so i need to use it well..if i do it fine but if i dont then im in trouble...if i forget im stupid or selfish..stupid and selfish should just be one word and save the world the trouble of attaching it to people..maybe ill get them tattooed on my arm and save mommy the trouble..i dont think she gets that i dont handle being at home well atall..she still thinks i started cutting because of school..prolly wont ever watse my time telling her the truth because i dont think she would believe me...for all the people who tell me im a horrible liar just havent seen me with mommy at all..i could drop dead tomorrow and it wouldnt matter at all..it wouldnt be noticed either..i would bet that mommy would have it fixed before i hit the ground and no one would ever know..i could just disappear and itwould be like i never existed...i had to deal al ot with control issues over the summer and i had the same conversation a million times..yes you are in control of everything you do and that no one can make you do anything..good or bad once its done you cant take it back...i told those kids again and again that it was up to them to change there behaviors and they swore they couldnt..but i kept telling them the same stuff until they listened to me and believed me..but im still a hypocrite in the worst way..i know now that i control what i do if i like it or not or want to admit it or not but i refuse to believe any of it..im still half expecting to be saved by someone..i still want to go away to get out of dealing with anything...the more i start to accept anything the easier it is to turn around and lose all of it..how many stupid times do i have to start at the beginning and do all of it over again..i knew better than purging today and i did it anyway because i had too..because i wanted too..i didnt cut yesterday or burn because i didnt reallywant too..thinking about it and planning it worked for what went on...i can sit there and hear how mean and selfish i am without moving ..tell me im good and ill want to go walk into traffic without looking back...it doesn make sense..i should try harder, i should want it more..i cant be wexpected to deal with a bunch of kids and there problems when i keep working really hard to ignore that i have any..all day today riley has been attached to my hip and hes forever rubbing my arms..and i keep moving my arm and pulling on my shirt because i dont want himi to get my sleeve to go up any more..i dont want to have to tell him i was in a car accident as a kid because there will be agood chance he will remember and ask mommy about it...especially after i tell him ive never broken a bone or been stitched up..not counting all the times i needed stitches and didnt get anyone..its my fault i have scars going everywhere across my body that i work hard for the most part to keep covered up...its stupid that it really offends me that mommy is trying hard to take away that control..i shopped perfectly fine before she ever knew about the scars and now i walk into a store and everyhting because a question about if its cut to low or will it cover my arms..i dont need or want the help...i bouguht shirts that i knew where cut way to low for me to wear without a jacket and then i got the bright idea to wear a regular tshirt under it to make sure my arms where covered up and it works fine..its not a big deal..but now all of it is a big deal andi dont know what im doing since i need help..im lucky i can still pick out my own clothes most days and thats even a hard won battle because theres forever something wrong with my outfits..i need to do this or change that...my head is going to explode one of these days..i watch myself take all of this and not do anything about it but keep breaking apart inside because its the only thing that works until even that turns into to much and i have to do something else...i wonder what will happen when i run out of things to do..where will i go, one of these days ill have to figure out that i cant be protected from myself beucase i cant escape myself..i have to live with everything i do but since im you know completely working on destroying whats left of my body just because i can i wonder if i can throw it away and get a new one
im sick of writing and tomorrow ill just be able to hate myself for staying up half the night

bored

really im so bored right now...ive spent all day doing nothing except straightening up while dee and them were gone but even that didnt take forever..so i watched tv and played online and just couldnt find anything interesting to do and no one was around to chat with...so im watching charlie and the chocolate factory right now..the new one finally and i really want to see finding neverland again...dee asked me the other night to find out when ill be out for holidays so she can plan the trip to disney world.. i cant beleive im actually going still..and i was asked to go to myrtle beach this week and i told her i wouldnt mind doing it if i got my license before i went...i got to drive to the store yesterday. oh granny is back now and in the hospital..mommy wanted her down here because driving to ohio just took to much..so she is here now.

back to reality

i miss being a camp..it was simple and we had the same schedule every single day..no surprises at all and nothing unexpected...kinda funny how easy it is to get used to that..but now its over with for a year and im back in the real world with all the stuff i got to leave behind for a good while...given i came to riley and harris's house today and they got back and ran to give me hugs...i did miss them..but also dealing with them isnt the same anymore..i spent 2 months working with kids who had serious problems and now its easier to see i guess the extremes kids can take when they are sad and so nothing else bothers me anymore...weird in some far off way im to tired to worry about right now...i should be sleeping but harris is taking over my bed rightnow and im working up the energy to move him..but i prolly wont so its no big deal..not to mention he wont be happy with me if i move him lol..

so camp stuff..really hard leaving and it was completely different from anything i have ever done in my life..when i went there i wasnt expecting to leave planning on going back..i didnt really think about the learning expriences or any of that..but theen i get there and never want to leave or that they would ask me to come back..but a lot of us are going back next year or planning on going back..white water rafting was my favoritest thing to do..rock climbing, the tower, and all the hiking was just really hard and tiring but worth it...my last great feat was rock climbing which linda even heard about..but i think ive scarred my knee up big time with that one though..but i did it and got to the top twice and paid for it big time the next day when moving was a pain in the butt...i keep wondering what all the staff are doing and if they are having fun...my last night was great though..i got my own closing ceremony and heard all of this stuff about myself that i never would have considered..suddenly im respected and and trusted by this whole group of ppl when i think i sucked most of the time...but hearing them istn the same as hearing someone else..because we were all stuck there together and i cant say i did something by myself because everything i did went back to admin really fast and i never got in trouble for anything..i wasnt yelled at for anything i did..instead they called it creative and staying on top of things..and the few times i did start to really doubt what i was doing..jon or arran out of the blue told me i was doing a really good job....i lasted throug all of it without cutting..scratched the heck out of every measly mosquito bite i got but i didnt cut..considered it but it wasnt really an option anymore..i dont think it will work the same but i wont hold myself to that either...now its just kinda wait for it to pass and then move on to something else...before i left i think i was hugged by everyone a million times and it was nice..of course then since it was my last night me hollice and bobbi jo were drinking in the laundry room when nia comes and tells me mommy is at camp..not that it messed anything up because i took her back to the swamp as soon as i could and went back but it was really unexpected but it worked out and so my last day was fun..leaving the girls was hard too..they woke up crying and promising to come back next year..the one we had the most trouble with will most likely be back next year..and it will be kinda cool seeing all of them or even some of them again..some i never want to see again but i will work with them if i have too...

hiking

today i get to leave for my last four day hike...not sure what to think about it since i really dont want to even go on this hike..im not feeling ready for it at all...but im going and we will finish and it will be over and done with and then it will be only like a week and a half before im going home.. and then a week before i leave to go back to school...im ready to go home though but back to my apartment kinda thing..i miss dusti and it will be fun getting to play with her again...working with the girls isnt that bad though..they are easier than the boys surprisingly but they give me a million headaches!...arran asked me to come back next year the other night and i would go between all the programs and i told him i would think about it...funny they really want me to come back next year..not that i have any plans anyway but still...i think it would be fun to live in asheville...

sucky day to leave for the hike though..not feeling good anymore and the dates just arent good at all but ill figure something out..

lots to tell

so ive finished my first two sessions at camp and last session was so so so hard...it really got to the point where i considered just leaving i couldnt handle everything that was going on and it was hard and it sucked but hollice and bobbi jo really helped with all of it..and i did feel better knowing all of us broke down once or twice and its not such a big deal..better to cry than do other stuff im guessing...but the kids went home today and i wasnt expecting to be so sad over it but just seeing the pictures of all of them and i miss them all ready..couldnt stand them most of the time they were here but i still miss them..and the more i say it sucks being here and it will suck going home im ready to go home..im also really considering coming back next year..so are hollice and bobbi jo..but still major cool that bobbi jo is in nc anyway! so im off for the next couple days and its weird having so much free time all of a sudden to myself! like no kids around and i can walk around any way i want too without having a million and a half eyes on me..suddenly being a role model is a lot of work..but not cursing or smoking is seriously good around kids..like they found out quick i dont like cursing around me..i can handle it with staff but not with a bunch of measly 11 year olds..the jerks but anyway they found out halfway that bobbi jo may smoke and the first thing out of there mouths is that shes not there role model anymore and they didnt like her..i mean good grief you would think the world was going to end tomorrow and bobbi jo was the cause of it...weird but i dont know..true they arent habits ive picked up but still no need to condemn the person who does it..but that really annoyed me with them..that and boys are a bunch of wimps..we had to do the 4 day hike this session and yea i did it once before but doing it again with kids is a lot different...i mean they couldnt carry stuff in there packs and they wouldnt walk and they cried everynight and i wanted to just leave them there or push them off the cliffs and i wasnt sorry when one was stung by bees because they were all just annoying me..here i am getting more stuff added to my pack and hating walking the more i did it and getting blisters and being sore just like them and i didnt complain..not once did i say a word to anyof them excpet to threathen to give them the god forsaken med pack i hated carrying that felt like it was a small child strapped to my body in additon to the 50pd pack i had on my back..and im working with girls next session and im ready for teh change...im a little sick of the boys..im tired of living with boys and how gross they can get really quick..but still im a bit worried about working with girls..yea im a girl but i could care less about makeup and guys and air head stuff..i like talking about movies and books and tv and random junk that wouldnt make sense to anyone else go figure..but still im working with bobbi jo and hollice again so it will work out somehow..and i kinda know one of the girls we have and shes a hand full..she was here for the first session and just watching her bothered me a lot...im ready to go home..like school home...i really really miss dusti and all of my stuff and being able to do what i want and getting to sleep till 9 and not eating 3 times a day..who knew eating on schedule can become mundane really fast..ugh..that doesnt make sense but im sitting here completely hungry and dont really want to eat camp food again...but i cant spend money either..so camp it is for now...

hmmm ive been at camp for a little over a month and a half..and really only three weeks left since im leaving the tenth of august anyway and then im going to try really hard to get abck to greenville as soon as i can..i really need to get mail and stuff i have no idea whats happening with the fin aid stuff..ugh its nerve wrecking not knowing anything..but anyway so ive been here for a while and ive talked more here than i have in my life..thats kinda what it feels like..i dont really have the option of not talking here because suddenly what i have to say really does matter and im asked what i think more than im just left to myself..if i dont want to talk i dont but more often than not i manage something to say..ive learned alot and not just about working with kids..i just kinda managed to pick up on a few things i needed to learn about myself..like i am a lot stronger than i give myself credit for and that being scared about something doesnt make it wrong and that giving myself a chance at something isnt the end of the world either...ive hiked a lot here and hiking is really good for thinking..and now i know there is a difference between working hard and failing at something..ive been thinking about my last homework assignment thing and im not afraid of it anymore..that ive thought about it much directly but just in general it doesnt scare me that much anymore..im still a bit leary of thinking about dying in a none dying way but just what would other people think of me isnt so scary anymore since i have people telling me all the time what they think of me and none of it is bad..i havent had anyone say anything bad about me the whole time ive been here...i get complimented more here than i have since i dont know when..the rocket i made once again was the best out of all the groups and tamara told me it was ok to brag and that i should brag because i was good at it..not in a mean way but because i am good at making those things and i like making them..i like hiking and i like rafting and i like all of this stuff i would have never considered trying in my life if i hadnt come here..ive been trying to find things that clear my head without a lot of hassle and i have that here...just without looking for it anymore i find it in stuff i wouldnt have considered doing ever in my life...and then i do it and like it and i can so it without stresssing about other stuff that bothers me..its not like i dont get stressed here becasue i do but i cant handle it the same way i usually do..the options arent the same and yea if i really wanteed to i could walk out of the kitchen wth a knife or a thing of salt but i havent..i dont think about it much anymore..i have so many bug bites the scars on my arm arent that important!! im being eaten alive here literally and bug sprays are a bunch of lies...i live in the stuff and i still get biten all the time..but anyway

funny how i can be so stressed out for most of the day and still manage to randomly think up other stuff..a lot of nights i just want to go to sleep but sometimes i want to do other stuff like write or read which im doing tonight just to get a break

kinda i dont know

'your silence will not protect you' bumper sticker


its been a weird few days..cried the other night because i was just way past being annoyed and upset..so i ended up just going off for a little while to be by myself but bobbi jo and hollice both knew i was crying..bobbi jo told me if i need to take a break to go ahead and so i did...cried for a while and then went back and still wasnt ok...but i just stayed quiet and didnt really talk to anyone for a while and ended up falling asleep and waking up feeling better but not great..like now im better but not completely...it took like a full 24hrs to get the viocodin out of my system..viocodin is just nice and beth gave them to me and i gave one to bobbi jo and it was ok..but still hmm hollice went out later that night and got me flowers and ice cream and sprinkles and some other stuff..and bobbi jo just listened to me...they both give really good hugs too..the touching thing is a little confusing here..like i still have my dont touch me policy somewhere but with the people im working with i dont mind them giving hugs..it really is all we have to give each other when things are hard...for a few days i was really thinking about cutting and when i couldnt do that i thought about burning and at the time i couldnt get anything to burn with..so i didnt..realy all thats left is crying or writing and i write all the time..i just didnt really care about the crying..and for as much as i dont do it and completely refuse to cry most of the time it just happened..i thought about stopping it and i did while i was in group and had to lsiten to all of it but after group i wasnt sure what i wanted to do anymore..so cry it was..and it wasnt a big deal...had i been at home it would have been a huge deal and mommy would have told me to just stop..she always told dont cry until i had something to cry about ..good grief i cried over everything for a while when i was younger..but that didnt last long either once i figured out crying wasnt the greatest thing to do because it just made things worse..so anyway..the kids for this session are just hard..i miss the younger kids..eventhough i still get to see tyler its not the same..he told me he would miss me when he went home and i told him i would miss him too..bobbi jo and hollice both tell me they learn so much..i had to talk to a kid who was being just umm having a hard day and getting aggressive and we had to make him go down the mountain and it was hard because it went from having fun to being incredibly serious in like minute..he threw the waterbottle and i just turned around and told him to go down and he refused to move so we picked him up and made him walk..we go for a while and he just starts talking about how he deserves to die and it was hard..i didnt believe him but just te fact that he said it made me realize he had thought about it before..but thinking about it and doing it arent hte same thing..still hearing some kid say that is hard..so we sit him down and i end up being the one talking to him..not that imentioned anything about being suicidal but just about how it is possible to control what you are doing and how you have to take responsibilty for what you do becasue no one else can..and when we were leaving i asked bobbi jo if she thought i did ok and she looked at me like i had lost my mind ..if it hadnt been so serious i would have laughed at her..but yea she told me that she was listening to me and wanting to change and saying how she had run out of stuff to tell him and that i did really good at staying calm and he was responding to what i was saying...hollice told me that in a way once before with tyler and its not that i dont believe them because they arent lying to me and i know that but its hard still hearing all of the positive stuff all the time..it just makes it that much more weirder because im not expecting it and im not asking for it...hmm so things are back to manageable..i leave for my four day hike on thursday and im kinda looking forward to it but not really..im worried about the kids we are taking on the hike but who knows maybe it will work out but im not expecting it to be the greatest thing ive ever done either..but at least i know i can do it this time..ive done it once what makes doing it again seem like such a big deal..and ive run out of stuff to talk about for now since i only have like 15 more mins before i have to go back to work!