uneasy

good news - i got my license today ...for some reason i dont care anymore so i guess the newness has worn off..but i get my car in afew days and then things will be just peachy..

or not even close

so i find out that as of right now i dont have any fin aid..what the heck am i supposed to be doing exactly?? they are dumb enough to tell me that my appeal was approved and now they dont even give me fin aid?! all they keep telling me is to wait until the admin guy makes a decision..well good grief classes start tomorrow and i have to go to the hospital..i dont have time to get to campus at any time anymore before 5 and what am i supposed to be doing if im technically not sign up for any classes because i know my schedule will be cancelled again soon..no idea what im supposed to be doing or thinking..i emailed dr miller to see what he says to do and at some point ill have to call mommy and tell her ive some how messed things up again and that i ahve to come up with a lot of money like now..things just have a really funny way of not working out when i think they are going pretty well...i had to go to a meteing today about field stuff and all of it is really overwhelming now..im perfectly fine being in dr bunch's class because i like her and i know she wont let me slack off but i looked at the sylabus and it freaked me out..we are in class once a week but theres all these huge projects that have to be done...i dont manage my time well and i know that but just looking at everything thats expected out of me is nerve wrecking and it makes me really nervous..just because maybe i know ill keep waiting till the last minute and then screw up and not graduate..now that everyone expects me to graduate ill be dumb enough to do something that will have me taken out of the program because i dont know how to handle stress in a good way..im perfectly fine with all the bad ways really..they dont bother me any more at all..maybe its just because im sitting here thinking about cutting...almost four months down the drain if i do..but then i talked to jenny well emailed her and we have once again decided that purging is the same as cutting..done differently but pretty much the same and so i can say im not cutting but i havent stopped doing the not so good things at all..and if i havent stopped then there isnt anything at all keeping me from cutting if i wanted too...and i also know that at any time reality will set in and i will realize that everything i just wrote is completely stupid and doesnt make sense and i know that but ill just keep ignoring it until i cant anymore..and im really not in a good mood right now at all..i have so much to do in the apartmnet and instead im sitting here writing this instead of putting my stuff away and cleaning up..just looking at the living room and how much stuff i have down to put away makes me want to scream and cry its so overwhelming..i have no idea where to start and i dont really want too but leaving it all down will make me feel really guilty...i dont want to be by myself right now but yvonne is busy and not here and so its just me and dusti for right now...i want to talk to someone but suddenly i have no one to talk to anymore...for a while when i started to not feel great i really wanted the safety of camp back...i knew if i talked there i would be listened too and i could talk about whatever i wanted to with bobbi jo and i was awfully close to telling her about cutting..we talked about dieting pretty often and i didnt come right out and say i b/p but i told her i did things that werent great at all and i also told to lay of fthe diet pills because they arent good..so i really want her right now but that wont happe nand im stuck with my own company and i dont want it...kinda funny i can bother myself without really doing anything..i cant figure out what im feeling really..and everytime i stop moving i juts want to cry...as much as i dont like therapy i keep going and now theres once again the possibilty i get to get out of therapy all together...and that bothers just because i have the whole contract thing going on and i kinda have to stay in therapy of some sort..and i just dont know if i want to start ovver...given its been a really long time with one person but ok i dont care...first thoughts just werent good at all and i dont want to think it anymnore but its in my head now...and i keep thinking about what i told the kids over the summer about how they need to be really careful about what they say and how it will affect someone else because onces its said it cant be taken back anymore..and you cant expect people to forgive you when you have seriously hurt there feelings...and i dont want to hurt anyone just because im in a bad mood..and i have a headache