i need to be in bed..but i got sidetracked once again goingo ut with yvonne and then coming home and messing with pictures and watching a movie that i really liked and so im glad i bought it...spent some time in barnes and nobles reading a really intersting physch book about adults abused in childhood and it had my attention for a good while..i wanted to buy it but didnt because i didint have the money on me..maybe ill go back and get it..or most likely find a copy online if i really want it..went out for dinner and to a few stores..got my pictures from walgreens and instead of paying over 60 for them i got them for 20ish...307 pictures for 20 bucks..lucky me! hmm arm is doing really good from when i cut the other night..i didnt do a lot or anythin serious so im not worried about them and they should fade out pretty fast..im getting a cold and spent all day long sneezing up a lung in the hospital...cindy finally gave me some sinus meds but it didnt really help..i was still really foggy and out of it for most of the day but i didnt leave early or anything for it...went and said hi to the kids onthe floor that are used to me.set up a few appts for the rest of the week...managed fin aid stuff i hope...missed my advisor and had to email him..im really hoping that the hurricane thats supposed to be coming doesnt..and i should watch the news and find out whats going on..
something is making me really nervous and i dont know what..if i stop moving i get anxious and cutting has been in my head since i got out of the bookstore but i dont really want to because im afraid it wont help...its to late to do to many things but the meds i took are kicking in and ill be out in a little while..so many things are in my head right now that i cant get rid off..i want to talk to prof dunn but i cant and im really worried ill have to have another teacher meeting with like 50 teachers and me..i dont like the whole isolated feeling im getting and i miss the safety of camp and just want to go back...at least there i wasnt completely in the real world and i didnt have to worry about more than i could handle at a time...but now im back in school and i just worry all day long...because of what i read in the bookstore i have a lot of unanswered questions in my head...and i really want someone to blame it on but i just happen the be the only person around yet again..still majorly easy to blame things on myself but now i dont have a way to stop it...im trying really hard to drink more water again because i can tell i was dehydrated for a couple days and made myself drink...im trying to remember to take my vitamin in the morning and eat breakfast so i dont forget..so two morning in a row can be considered a small good thing i think...im not purging but im getting really close to being back under a 1000cals a day...and i count cals enough when i want to to know that its not a huge issue as long as what im eating isnt junk food...but still i know that under a 1000 is still considered starving which i refuse to let myself forget since i found it out...and i dont know if im trying or if im just doing it but i dont really care...im sitting here now and have been for the past couple hours talking myself out of eating anything because im not supposed to eat after like 6:30..i would push it up but im still around the hospital at 5 and if im cooking i need the extra time..and today was a fairly low day cal wise..but ill be ok..im guessing that since cutting doesnt work anymore i can do other stuff but i go back and forth between purging and not eating way to easily..and i dont want to purge just because it makes my nose bleed so not eating is next...im working really hard to control it without going overboard..next question would be and how will i recognize when ive gone overboard?! im really quite stupid at times and i should know better and i do know better..and i still refuse to see any of it..i could ignore it until all of it managed to kill me and i did use to think that would be ok...but i havent died yet..tried but nothing seems to work..and now of the tries were serious in the slightest but still..and i think im just making myself paranoid...and since i have to be up in like 6 hours i better go to bed and pretend to sleep
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