so ive finished my first two sessions at camp and last session was so so so hard...it really got to the point where i considered just leaving i couldnt handle everything that was going on and it was hard and it sucked but hollice and bobbi jo really helped with all of it..and i did feel better knowing all of us broke down once or twice and its not such a big deal..better to cry than do other stuff im guessing...but the kids went home today and i wasnt expecting to be so sad over it but just seeing the pictures of all of them and i miss them all ready..couldnt stand them most of the time they were here but i still miss them..and the more i say it sucks being here and it will suck going home im ready to go home..im also really considering coming back next year..so are hollice and bobbi jo..but still major cool that bobbi jo is in nc anyway! so im off for the next couple days and its weird having so much free time all of a sudden to myself! like no kids around and i can walk around any way i want too without having a million and a half eyes on me..suddenly being a role model is a lot of work..but not cursing or smoking is seriously good around kids..like they found out quick i dont like cursing around me..i can handle it with staff but not with a bunch of measly 11 year olds..the jerks but anyway they found out halfway that bobbi jo may smoke and the first thing out of there mouths is that shes not there role model anymore and they didnt like her..i mean good grief you would think the world was going to end tomorrow and bobbi jo was the cause of it...weird but i dont know..true they arent habits ive picked up but still no need to condemn the person who does it..but that really annoyed me with them..that and boys are a bunch of wimps..we had to do the 4 day hike this session and yea i did it once before but doing it again with kids is a lot different...i mean they couldnt carry stuff in there packs and they wouldnt walk and they cried everynight and i wanted to just leave them there or push them off the cliffs and i wasnt sorry when one was stung by bees because they were all just annoying me..here i am getting more stuff added to my pack and hating walking the more i did it and getting blisters and being sore just like them and i didnt complain..not once did i say a word to anyof them excpet to threathen to give them the god forsaken med pack i hated carrying that felt like it was a small child strapped to my body in additon to the 50pd pack i had on my back..and im working with girls next session and im ready for teh change...im a little sick of the boys..im tired of living with boys and how gross they can get really quick..but still im a bit worried about working with girls..yea im a girl but i could care less about makeup and guys and air head stuff..i like talking about movies and books and tv and random junk that wouldnt make sense to anyone else go figure..but still im working with bobbi jo and hollice again so it will work out somehow..and i kinda know one of the girls we have and shes a hand full..she was here for the first session and just watching her bothered me a lot...im ready to go home..like school home...i really really miss dusti and all of my stuff and being able to do what i want and getting to sleep till 9 and not eating 3 times a day..who knew eating on schedule can become mundane really fast..ugh..that doesnt make sense but im sitting here completely hungry and dont really want to eat camp food again...but i cant spend money either..so camp it is for now...
hmmm ive been at camp for a little over a month and a half..and really only three weeks left since im leaving the tenth of august anyway and then im going to try really hard to get abck to greenville as soon as i can..i really need to get mail and stuff i have no idea whats happening with the fin aid stuff..ugh its nerve wrecking not knowing anything..but anyway so ive been here for a while and ive talked more here than i have in my life..thats kinda what it feels like..i dont really have the option of not talking here because suddenly what i have to say really does matter and im asked what i think more than im just left to myself..if i dont want to talk i dont but more often than not i manage something to say..ive learned alot and not just about working with kids..i just kinda managed to pick up on a few things i needed to learn about myself..like i am a lot stronger than i give myself credit for and that being scared about something doesnt make it wrong and that giving myself a chance at something isnt the end of the world either...ive hiked a lot here and hiking is really good for thinking..and now i know there is a difference between working hard and failing at something..ive been thinking about my last homework assignment thing and im not afraid of it anymore..that ive thought about it much directly but just in general it doesnt scare me that much anymore..im still a bit leary of thinking about dying in a none dying way but just what would other people think of me isnt so scary anymore since i have people telling me all the time what they think of me and none of it is bad..i havent had anyone say anything bad about me the whole time ive been here...i get complimented more here than i have since i dont know when..the rocket i made once again was the best out of all the groups and tamara told me it was ok to brag and that i should brag because i was good at it..not in a mean way but because i am good at making those things and i like making them..i like hiking and i like rafting and i like all of this stuff i would have never considered trying in my life if i hadnt come here..ive been trying to find things that clear my head without a lot of hassle and i have that here...just without looking for it anymore i find it in stuff i wouldnt have considered doing ever in my life...and then i do it and like it and i can so it without stresssing about other stuff that bothers me..its not like i dont get stressed here becasue i do but i cant handle it the same way i usually do..the options arent the same and yea if i really wanteed to i could walk out of the kitchen wth a knife or a thing of salt but i havent..i dont think about it much anymore..i have so many bug bites the scars on my arm arent that important!! im being eaten alive here literally and bug sprays are a bunch of lies...i live in the stuff and i still get biten all the time..but anyway
funny how i can be so stressed out for most of the day and still manage to randomly think up other stuff..a lot of nights i just want to go to sleep but sometimes i want to do other stuff like write or read which im doing tonight just to get a break
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