obsessions

ok so i guess good news gets to go first....i found out today that im going to see te lion king on broadway in raleigh in oct with riley and harris and dee etc..she came in this morning and told me i needed to go and look up tickets for her and some other people and that i was going too..talk about surpirsed!!i asked her if she was serious and she was since im the one who got her credit card to buy all the tickets and i could drop dead for the amt of money she paid for those tickets but it doesnt hurt me any to agree to go..considering ive wanted to see the show since it came out like 6 years ago and ive never made it to ny to see it and when it was here i never got the chance to go and im sorry but i couldnt just shell out almost 200 bucks for one ticket! no way in a million years could i have done that..all the same i didnt have to pay and im going and it will be in oct and its not even like it can be taken away from me..mommy isnt in it at all..riley and harris want to go because i want to go...we talked about it today and seriously i watched the lion king every single weeked for almost two years and they watched it with me...i didnt make them or anything but it just kinda worked out that i liked it enough for all of us and so they watced it because it meant i was staying at there house instead of going home..if harris had his way i would never leave..riley told me today that i should go to cape fear so i could stay and babysit every weekend..dee always tells me i should transfer and just get a job being a nanny..and given the money is great and all i just dont want to be a nanny..i like kids and i like working with them but not as a nanny..riley and harris are in there own catergory since ive watched them grow up and im comfortable with them and them with me..why they like me so much ill never ever understand but i guess thats one of those things i dont need to look into too much becuase i dont know..if i ask them its simple stuff like because im fun and play with them and i know i dont do anything with them but what they see and what i see are the same in different ways..some day soon when i reread all of this i will wonder why in the world im feeling so incredibly mixed up right now..slighty sick and off but good grief im not getting my head today..yesterday was a really bad day and by the time i got home i had decided i was going to burn and nothing could talk me out of it..i wanted to cut but decided that would be way to messy to do at home..so it turned into burning and thinking about doing it made me incredibly happy because i was finally sure of something and not going back and forth..but then i get home and just didnt do it..got busy with other stuff and just stopped thinking about it really...i didnt do it last night and i didnt do it today but i did go and throw up..its depressing in so many wways..i wanted to stop and i almost thought i had and its all a bunch of lies..yesterday i started thinking that everything and everyone i saw and heard at camp was a bunch of lies too..everyone lies to me and it doesnt matter and what i want doesnt matter either because it iwll never be good enough..and i really want to believe all of that but i cant because i know bobbi jo and hollice didnt lie to me about anything..the fact that i could handle being touched and hugged without freaking out is enough to let me know i trusted them..everyone at camp i trusted not to hurt me in any way and no one did..almost three months of not being yelled at for anything is really good..i forgot for a wile that i was still a screw up..i ignored that i would have to go home and things wouldnt change at all just because i was gone..and the closer it got to going home the more i worried and the more i wondered if i would really be able to handle being back at home without doing any of the things i worked so hard to stop...it took less than two hours to remember that things dont change just because i really want them too..less time than that to remember i still suck and that doesnt really go away..and a couple days for the same old thoughts to set back in because i hear it all the time and have to agree with all of it because it makes no sense to disagree..three words to describe me at home weird, mean and selfish...three words to describe me at camp confident, dependable and determined..where has that person who lasted at camp gone?? i cant find any of the things they told me at camp anywhere in myself...i could i change so much in just a week..everything i thought i had figured out and dealt with has walked away..my head is always a back and forth battle because i try to hold on to what little bit of fun and safety i had at camp but im not at camp anymore and things arent the same either...the nicest thing ive heard since ive been back is that im not a bad driver but i still need practice...i have a whole list of things i need to work on and change though..its not that hard to see which side gets to win out..and i could fight it and disagree and for a while i refused to let go of all the things bobbi jo told me and how much i surprised her when i asked her if i was a bad person..but even that is starting to slip away..i remember what she said, i remember what they all said but its not that same when im not sitting there looking at them tell me...i believed them while i was at camp and it was fine there, i dealt with all the compliments and good wishes without disagreeing to any of them because i worked my butt off..tamara told me i had every right to brag because i had done a good job and i should be proud of myself...jim called me a goddess all summer long and wit hhim it was fine..what do they see in me that i dont see or believe..i know what they see in me but i cant believe it..not believing it though calls all of them liars and i dont want to do that..they dont lie to me..i asked bobbi jo to kidnap me before i left to go home..it was bobbi jo and hollice who stayed up and drank with me while mommy was two buildings away...i told bobbi jo my dreams and i asked tim about being a failure vs working hard..i let beth tackle me in the pond and got a million batteries from aaran for my camera..i would have never done any of that 3 months ago much less think about all of it and be happy..telling riley and harris about everything i did at camp is fun..its no big deal that i spent the better part of every week covered in paint or food..im not allowed to wear my sneakers anymore because theres paint and other junk on them..mommy tried to make me throw them away but i told her i wouldnt because they were signed and i wanted to keep them..so now im forever banned from wearing them...everyday i get up and do the same thing and still mange to get in trouble..my mosquito bites are a big issue..i keep scratching them and part of it is just a bad habit and part of it is because i like it in some weird completely not good way..i was seriously eaten alive and it shows big time on my arms and legs and it was my fault for scratching so much and im the only one who can be blamed for it..but mommy just keeps making me feel guilty for having more scars..no one will want to be around me because i have a million mosquito bites and it looks like i ahve some random disease..i would have thought it looked like i juts scratched my mosquito bites but i guess im looking at it wrong..i didnt realize working in the hospital would be such a big deal..who really cares what my finger nails will look like or if im wearing something new or something old...i have a million new clothes and shoes because im trying to make a good impression but i dont care..if its going to be this much of a hassle i dont want it..why have a job ill hate before i ever get to it..no point in graduating if ill have something standing right there to tell me everything that i might do wrong before i ever have the chance to do them...so much for having a chance to d o anything at all...im not trusted to do anything and what i do manage to do doesnt matter or count at all..no such thing as getting thanks for anything i do because its just expected of me..i have the time and so i need to use it well..if i do it fine but if i dont then im in trouble...if i forget im stupid or selfish..stupid and selfish should just be one word and save the world the trouble of attaching it to people..maybe ill get them tattooed on my arm and save mommy the trouble..i dont think she gets that i dont handle being at home well atall..she still thinks i started cutting because of school..prolly wont ever watse my time telling her the truth because i dont think she would believe me...for all the people who tell me im a horrible liar just havent seen me with mommy at all..i could drop dead tomorrow and it wouldnt matter at all..it wouldnt be noticed either..i would bet that mommy would have it fixed before i hit the ground and no one would ever know..i could just disappear and itwould be like i never existed...i had to deal al ot with control issues over the summer and i had the same conversation a million times..yes you are in control of everything you do and that no one can make you do anything..good or bad once its done you cant take it back...i told those kids again and again that it was up to them to change there behaviors and they swore they couldnt..but i kept telling them the same stuff until they listened to me and believed me..but im still a hypocrite in the worst way..i know now that i control what i do if i like it or not or want to admit it or not but i refuse to believe any of it..im still half expecting to be saved by someone..i still want to go away to get out of dealing with anything...the more i start to accept anything the easier it is to turn around and lose all of it..how many stupid times do i have to start at the beginning and do all of it over again..i knew better than purging today and i did it anyway because i had too..because i wanted too..i didnt cut yesterday or burn because i didnt reallywant too..thinking about it and planning it worked for what went on...i can sit there and hear how mean and selfish i am without moving ..tell me im good and ill want to go walk into traffic without looking back...it doesn make sense..i should try harder, i should want it more..i cant be wexpected to deal with a bunch of kids and there problems when i keep working really hard to ignore that i have any..all day today riley has been attached to my hip and hes forever rubbing my arms..and i keep moving my arm and pulling on my shirt because i dont want himi to get my sleeve to go up any more..i dont want to have to tell him i was in a car accident as a kid because there will be agood chance he will remember and ask mommy about it...especially after i tell him ive never broken a bone or been stitched up..not counting all the times i needed stitches and didnt get anyone..its my fault i have scars going everywhere across my body that i work hard for the most part to keep covered up...its stupid that it really offends me that mommy is trying hard to take away that control..i shopped perfectly fine before she ever knew about the scars and now i walk into a store and everyhting because a question about if its cut to low or will it cover my arms..i dont need or want the help...i bouguht shirts that i knew where cut way to low for me to wear without a jacket and then i got the bright idea to wear a regular tshirt under it to make sure my arms where covered up and it works fine..its not a big deal..but now all of it is a big deal andi dont know what im doing since i need help..im lucky i can still pick out my own clothes most days and thats even a hard won battle because theres forever something wrong with my outfits..i need to do this or change that...my head is going to explode one of these days..i watch myself take all of this and not do anything about it but keep breaking apart inside because its the only thing that works until even that turns into to much and i have to do something else...i wonder what will happen when i run out of things to do..where will i go, one of these days ill have to figure out that i cant be protected from myself beucase i cant escape myself..i have to live with everything i do but since im you know completely working on destroying whats left of my body just because i can i wonder if i can throw it away and get a new one
im sick of writing and tomorrow ill just be able to hate myself for staying up half the night