kinda i dont know

'your silence will not protect you' bumper sticker


its been a weird few days..cried the other night because i was just way past being annoyed and upset..so i ended up just going off for a little while to be by myself but bobbi jo and hollice both knew i was crying..bobbi jo told me if i need to take a break to go ahead and so i did...cried for a while and then went back and still wasnt ok...but i just stayed quiet and didnt really talk to anyone for a while and ended up falling asleep and waking up feeling better but not great..like now im better but not completely...it took like a full 24hrs to get the viocodin out of my system..viocodin is just nice and beth gave them to me and i gave one to bobbi jo and it was ok..but still hmm hollice went out later that night and got me flowers and ice cream and sprinkles and some other stuff..and bobbi jo just listened to me...they both give really good hugs too..the touching thing is a little confusing here..like i still have my dont touch me policy somewhere but with the people im working with i dont mind them giving hugs..it really is all we have to give each other when things are hard...for a few days i was really thinking about cutting and when i couldnt do that i thought about burning and at the time i couldnt get anything to burn with..so i didnt..realy all thats left is crying or writing and i write all the time..i just didnt really care about the crying..and for as much as i dont do it and completely refuse to cry most of the time it just happened..i thought about stopping it and i did while i was in group and had to lsiten to all of it but after group i wasnt sure what i wanted to do anymore..so cry it was..and it wasnt a big deal...had i been at home it would have been a huge deal and mommy would have told me to just stop..she always told dont cry until i had something to cry about ..good grief i cried over everything for a while when i was younger..but that didnt last long either once i figured out crying wasnt the greatest thing to do because it just made things worse..so anyway..the kids for this session are just hard..i miss the younger kids..eventhough i still get to see tyler its not the same..he told me he would miss me when he went home and i told him i would miss him too..bobbi jo and hollice both tell me they learn so much..i had to talk to a kid who was being just umm having a hard day and getting aggressive and we had to make him go down the mountain and it was hard because it went from having fun to being incredibly serious in like minute..he threw the waterbottle and i just turned around and told him to go down and he refused to move so we picked him up and made him walk..we go for a while and he just starts talking about how he deserves to die and it was hard..i didnt believe him but just te fact that he said it made me realize he had thought about it before..but thinking about it and doing it arent hte same thing..still hearing some kid say that is hard..so we sit him down and i end up being the one talking to him..not that imentioned anything about being suicidal but just about how it is possible to control what you are doing and how you have to take responsibilty for what you do becasue no one else can..and when we were leaving i asked bobbi jo if she thought i did ok and she looked at me like i had lost my mind ..if it hadnt been so serious i would have laughed at her..but yea she told me that she was listening to me and wanting to change and saying how she had run out of stuff to tell him and that i did really good at staying calm and he was responding to what i was saying...hollice told me that in a way once before with tyler and its not that i dont believe them because they arent lying to me and i know that but its hard still hearing all of the positive stuff all the time..it just makes it that much more weirder because im not expecting it and im not asking for it...hmm so things are back to manageable..i leave for my four day hike on thursday and im kinda looking forward to it but not really..im worried about the kids we are taking on the hike but who knows maybe it will work out but im not expecting it to be the greatest thing ive ever done either..but at least i know i can do it this time..ive done it once what makes doing it again seem like such a big deal..and ive run out of stuff to talk about for now since i only have like 15 more mins before i have to go back to work!