shamed

i
hate
myself
for
everything
ive
done

yvonne gives me a dress to try on..and its a really nice dress..incredibly formal and nice and for special occasions..the only problem being that it was sleeveless..she said i should try it on..so i try it on and surprise surprise..it fits..but i put my tshirt back on over it and refused to take it off..i told her the dress just looked horrible and she could have her poster back because i wont take the other shirt off...i loved the dress even if i didnt have any reason to wear it i liked it alot..but i already know what my arms and chest look like..and i know i couldnt wear that dress ever because theres nothing over it..and its my fault..i cant explain either..it was just ok the dress is horrible and so you cant see it..i was fine with it until i found out the dress really fit..and then it just kinda set in that i couldnt wear it anywear because i wouldnt be comfortable in it..i wouldnt be comfortable having my arms out and i would never be brave enough to go out in it without anything on my arms..so many things in my head now..im not happy with myself right now at all..and im tired enough to know ill be sleep soon but i still have to wake up in the morning..and freak out finding something to wear that i can deal with..i still have to look at all the scars every single day..im a liar because i keep trying to make myself believe i dont care that i have the scars and they dont bother me when they do..they bother me when i worry about what someone will say about them...i cant tell yvonne that i cut..its not even that she wouldnt understand because i dont know but its just that i dont want her to treat me any different...it came up again today about how she doesnt know how i manage to deal with mommy everyday becuase she couldnt..i cant either with out help and its not even good help since im forever trying to die without doing anything...it hurts right now everything just hurts and i would be glad to hide for the rest of my life