not great

i have another watch now..i had forgotten how much i liked my watch since my battery died in the other one..but now i have another one and i should prolly work on finding out if itsw waterproof or not..although im not sure i want to stick my watch that ive had for less than a week in a sink full of water..i feel stupid right now really angry and really stupid..and i have talked myself out of cutting but im not sure it will last..and just knowing i can ruin so much by doing one thing makes me want to cry...i found this poem thing online through a group and its really good but really sad and ive tried to read it a million times and i can make it half way through but then i have to stop because it starts to hurt..funny how just reading something can make a person hurt but it does..it makes me think of a lot of different things not really things ive forgotten but just things i dont want to think about...it makes me think about some of my old poems..reading them makes me want to cry but i still wonder how i thought them up to begin with...most likely just an overload on lifetime..which im watching now and its the movie on cutting...i saw it like half an hour ago before it came on and i planned on watching it but then i couldnt get myself to calm down and changed my mind...went and made something to eat and cleaned the kitchen a little bit and watched something else on tv before deciding i could handle watching it...its like some unwritten rule ive thought up and i have to watch it everytime it comes on and good mood or not i do..sometimes it just makes me want to cut more and i do and sometimes i can watch it just to watch it..ive seen it enough that i know the whole movie because it was the first time i ever learned about cutting in the first place..i remember be cause i watched it with nia and henry the very first time it ever aired and we watched it and i dont know why it put the idea in my head but it did...i think i thought about it and then started but i dont know..i still remember the first time i cut..but ive forgotten almost every other time ive done it..wonder why i can remember the first time but cant remember any others, obvisously i know i did it since well i can look at my arms and legs and see them..i dont really remember the first time i burned though..i know i talked about it with susan before i did it because i had found out how but i wasnt sure what would happen and when i talked to her i swore i wouldnt do it and did anyway but she wasnt mad at me when i told her i had...i think i would have rathered she had gotten mad and yelled at me but she didnt..mommy on the other hand just got mad when she found out and did the whole im going in the hospital if i dont stop...and even though i know all the little ruiles that go with being put in the hospital against yyour will i still believe she can do it..it doesnt matter if it wont work or not...im not sure id be feeling really happy with anyone how tried to put me in the hospital..anyway im really not in a good mood..so sommmething else to think about...and i thought about it and cant think of anything else right now so back to cutting..not even that i really want to it just seems like i cant and so ill just think about it because i can...i dont want to take razors with me when i leave on friday and i cant decide..how can i not decide on something like that..its simple i say no im not bringing anything and then get there and could prolly find something if i needed too but thats assuming ill keep cutting..so much for being positive...but if i bring one and just dont use it then that might count as a semi good thing but still with the same idea that i plan on cutting...not really seeming like theres a way out of any of it...besides i could keep doing what i do and keep hiding it and not care but somewhere in the past few weeks that has changed a little bit...yvonne saw my legs and she asked what happened and i said nothing and now i dont know..more than ever everytime i think about all the scars i get really sad..how could i do this to myself and not do anything about it..although im not sure what i could do...outside of stopping but im still not entirely sure i want to and i should..but i dont know why..wonder if it really does scare ppl? for a while i was sure my teachers thought i was going to kill myself because thats all they could think...but there social workers and maybe its not a new thing but i dont know how many ppl they know who do it..and i guess they know me in a way and now they know i cut and they might not know why but they dont know how much i do either...no one really knows how much i do i dont think..i guess all that they can do is worry that ill accidently kill myself...and i say accidently because as much as i might want to die i wont do it intentionallly...accidently maybe if i got far enough along to really consider it again..but i dont want anyone to worry about me..i say i can handle it and i can control it and im fine but now im not sure if im lying to them or to myself..on some level sure im fine because theres no such thing as not being fine..but i dont control anything...but if cutting can count as an addiction and they never really go away then i dont see the point in stopping as long as it works..and that is just really screwed up and i know it is...maybe im screwed up enough that i cant be fixed again
or maybe i just need to find something else to do with my time