long weekend

Im finally back home after spending the whole holiday weekend with riley and harris and I worked for a good part of it but I still spent a lot of time just hanging out over there playing games and wasting time…going home wasn’t even an option and dee didn’t ask and harris was positive he was going to keep me for the full amount of free time I had…so it a long weekend but kinda fun..played phase 10 so much ill be dreaming about those crazy cards…hung out on the dock while harris fished..talked both of them into helping me clean up..tyler came over too fdr a couple days and that gave me a break from riley and harris…harris decided he was going to send me a care package and he said it was going o be full of candy and it was a nice thought but im not expecteing anything lol..It was fun planning it out though since he went through the sales papers and asked me to point out every type of candy I possibly liked..so that was nice and then both of them told me I wasn’t a loser when I said I was because no one called me..they told me I was one of there best friends and gave me hugs while they said it and it was ok and I was ok surprisingly…I don’t disagree with them as hard when they tell me something like that…I told riley he wasn’t a loser when he said he was because no one emailed him and then told him I would email him of course… and reminded him he didn’t have many people to email in the first place..i spent most of the weekend at the beach house but not at the beach..i asked dee if I could borrow the beach house in oct for me and yvonne and she said it would be fine if they werent living there..i told her I would ask again when it was closer to the time I wanted it..and then I went and told yvonne enough to make her wonder what I was up too but it will be a surprise for her extremely late birthday present because she wants to come to wilmington for some odd reason..i think figure out would be a nice place to spend the break if it all works out..now all I have to do is think of an actual gift to give her when I get back…now I think I have to actually seriously start packing or finish packing or find all my junk and figure out what I still need…mommy keeps buying me stuff and them telling me to pay her back and if I wanted to do that I could just pick out my own stuff but it didn’t work out like that and so mommy got half of it but I already know there are still a few things I need and a ton of packing to do…still havent cut and I think I just forgot about it for a while..i think ill actually make it but I don’t want to think to much about it because I have a habit of telling myself ive done really good just to turn around and screw it up over something small…as soon as I start realizing I havent cut for a while and start giving myself congrats for it, I just start thinking about it and everything will bother me until I do screw it up..like being happy so isnt an option and if I screw it up I have something I can be annoyed with myself about..hmmm guess it works out then I think but still im trying all the same…I tell riley and harris good things about themselves all the time while im with them and sometimes when im not but if I can be positive with them then its not like im never positive..i just happen to have to direct it at other people because its easier and not that im suddenly giving myself tons of positive thoughts im just giving all the bad ones a break…not counting the random I hate you’s that always float through my head..but not so much of the other things …I think being nervous is just pushing everything else out of the way for now…harris was right when he said my being gone for about 2 months is normal because I am with school and its just occasionally that im back for this long without it being a real holiday…but im not to school on Friday im going to camp and that is just a weird feeling..i never thought I would even go camping let alone work at a camp..still since I was always the nut who wanted to go camping as a kid I guess ill get my chance…sure its like 50 million years later than when I actually wanted to go but better late than never…so camp is like 4 days away and im starting to worry juts a bit..i keep thinking about everything that could possibly go wrong..i wonder if ill get stupid and forget I know how to swim and drown or something weird..prolly not and I want to stop thinking ill die..funny I said want and not should..i thought should and then rethought it..have ti rethink the wants and shoulds..that being one of the things I actually remember from therapy…yesterday I was thinking about my last homework thing that im supposed to be working on and I still havent made much progress with it..but at least I finally got around wanting everyone to say I sucked..but now that I got around it I don’t know what I want anyone to say…I ran out of bad things and all that’s left is good ones and I have no idea what anyone would say..ive thought about it for almost a month and im still wondering what in the world anyone would say..well what I want anyone to say..im half ready to just go ask yvonne..but I wont ill just keep thinking about it until I can figure it out…I think the whole thing just worries me a bit…not really the assignment but what ill have to figure out..stupid wants..i think im just scared ill actually start wanting something or just find out what in the world it is I want from life…I don’t know ok so I know and I just don’t want to have to think about it or deal with it or even know I know it ..but eventually I guess ill have to figure it out but I think it will take a while but then everything takes me a while…oh well I guess ill figure it out…ij talked to yvonne yesterday and it still surprises me that she says it bothers her that mommy doesn’t let me talk..i thought she had forgotten about that…its just that I don’t notice the same things other people do since I have to deal with it all the time…I still don’t really notice it but if other people can then it must happen…it didn’t bother me much that she brought it up or that shes mad about it..it just bothers me that she knows it…not that she can stop it or anything but I don’t really want her to know and so the way im treated comes up and I always tell her its nothing big or anything and I don’t really think she agrees with me…its not even a problem that’s shes mad about it when im not because I think there are a few people who are mad for me because I just kinda don’t let myself get mad for any of it…well not in a way that really shows I guess but I don’t think it counts as being fair if I let other people be mad for me because its not doing anything for me and I cant control what other people think or feel anyway right? So one of these days ill have to take over all of that but I don’t know when that will happen or what will make it happen..maybe it will never happen but then that whole reality and fantasy part comes to mind…everything seems to be off balance with me…so I guess ive rambled enough but its been a while and ive had lots of time to think and I guess its time to stop lounging in bed and start being productive