thoughtful

i used to dream...im pretty sure i did ive just forgotten all of them..i did forget them but i dont know why im starting to remember what i thought about a long time ago when i was younger..where did they go or how did i manage to lose all of them?? couldnt have happened all at once, like one day i woke up and everything i was missing..but that wouldnt happen i think it was more of a gradual thing...slowly i had to forget or i had to let things go to make room for other stuff or things i was being told..being asked what i want other people to think of me is different than what i think of me or even what i think other people think of me..spending a lot of time wanting to change so much and not knowing what im supposed to do, if nothing else i figured out again that im not a big fan of change but letting things stay the way they are is killing me..i used to want to do a lot of stuff..i was hanging out with riley and harris and i fixed them dinner as i usually do because its easy cooking for them..but anyway opening a restaurant came up..a restaurant for kids because well im kinda basic when it comes to eating..but anyway harris and riley are all for it..i told them if i did they would be my only customers and they of course started naming people who would come and i told them i would keep it in mind and i will..its kinda weird in a nice way realizing that maybe im not as completely lost as i think i am..still lost yea but slowly im coming up and well just noticing that i do have things to look forward too...talked about camp again today with nia and im looking forward to that..doc appt aside im looking forward to it because its something ive never done, and something i may never consider doing again but at least ill know if i like it or not and ill be able to find out by myself..i have my internship, i have a trip to canada and one to new york in the workings...half a trip to fla still in the planning stages be cause harris talked about it yesterday..but still im sad enough to have suicide still rolling around in my head...cant cut so ive traded off and im back to purging again..my chest hurt bad enough and even breathing is a bit painful...laughing is a major nono it hurts so much..but i havent stopped it yet..somehow ive convinced myself that its a need..like i have to do it and theres no way around it when i could prolly just as easily say its not a need and i dont have to do it...but i keep trying to remind myself its only for a little while and ill stop again..stupid thing ive done for as long as i can remember and i havent stopped yet completely..just weird..not great but nothing major either depending on how your looking at it...still no bad news on how grannys doing so im hoping she is a least on the road to getting better...mommy calls like we dont know how to take care of ourselves..it bothers me a lot that i can come home or gget on the phone and seemingly forget how to do anything..im supposed to be an adult or so im told and its like no no im not because i still obviously dont know how to do anything like packing or laundry or cleaning or cooking..i think she would think that ill be a horrible wife or something if i got married..so i guess its even better that im not getting married..watched in her shoes again today and it wasnt as depressing this time..well at least i didnt end up sad enough to end up cutting..but i wasnt watching it by myself either so maybe thats what helped..i should be in the bed or something now but i dont want to sleep..dont want to be awake either..but then the suicide thing came up again and i thought about riley and harris becuase they are still kids..and i dont want to think of them blaming themselves or being hurt over something i was dumb enough to believe i had to do..or something i convinced myself i needed to do..i dont want to think of anyone being hurt over something i did..wouldnt be good nope..that is a bit saddening though...watching a bunch of movies though..parts of this or the end of something else..and i think im just rambling a bit ... guess im finally tired enough to go to bed or at least try to find my bed