Im having one of those days where I wish I wasn’t alive…I wish a lot of things I guess but for now that one is the only thing running through my head..i want to be left alone and right now im so lonely I would give anything to just talk to yvonne and to have her make me laugh at anything…I don’t care I juts really wish I could lift the saddness and make it go away forever…one of harry’s really good friends died yesterday and that brought all my put off feelings back to the surface..i refuse to accept death but I keep playing with it..relentlessly I always play with it…so im sad and bored and lonely and way at the bottom theres so so much anger..i know its there, its always there waiting for a way to come out…I want to cut I want to cry I want to scream or break something…I want the release of feelings and its not happening…im trying not purge anymore because it just hurt to much and im pretty sure not breathing good is one way to raise red flags for anyone..regardless of how it happened or why…not sure I could explain away that one..yea like im gonna randomly say ive been throwing up a lot lately because of stress…not good and I prefer to keepp that little thing to myself for as long as I can…so my head is really running away with me..im starting to really be afraid of going to the doc on wed..im afraid because im graduating..im afraid because im feeling so much stupid junk and its not going anywhere..all of it is stuck in my head and I keep trying to rationalize all of it..i keep thinking of going to camp and being horrible at it…I keep thinking im gonna have to lie incredibly good to the doc next week to make them think im fine and not cutting anymore..that being the only thing stopping me from doing it..its making me think of that internal vs external thing that I keep hearing…all of it is out of whack…I don’t want to graduate..i don’t want to have to figure out what to do with my life and I will lose all the people who have so much unyeilding faith in my abilities because I cant believe in myself and I let other people do it and then just refuse to believe them..but they do it anyway and im standing on the border of losing all of it…im afraid of what will happen if I really am left completely alone and in the real world…I started thinking about what happened and blaming myself of course and its just hard half remembering something that scares me completely..it makes me think of that stupid toxic parents book and why I don’t like it so much…I don’t want to read about how much what I think and see and hear is reflected in that book and how all of it kinda points to all of the abuse but more than not it all just screams sexual abuse and the first time I read it all of it made me really mad and I didn’t believe it..cant believe, don’t believe it, whatever…creeps me out..all the same I keep thinking about it and looking for a way around it…going back to my safe little world where nothing can hurt me..the one place even I give myself a break from all of it..not that im really there now..calmer now though so I guess this helped some…I keep thinking that its not fair to blame someone else for me being screwed up..so I just blame myself and I havent figured out how to get around that…im just always there in my head and its not like I can just up and leave so im always there to take the guilt or blame or anger where ever it may be directed…like there is someone giving it to me..like I have the choice not to accept it and I ignore it…I don’t even know how I can give it to myself if its already there..doesn’t make sense…I think somehow ive managed to turn things into separate things…made them, believed them, and in turn gave them all power over me…mini parents in my head that I don’t really control ..cant control a parent anyway..cant control anything