so not drugged

i should be in bed right now..but im way to nervous to sleep..im to nervous to think and im watching a fairly interesting movie about well something i didnt need to watch...and its well sad but has a good ending..so instead i watch dusti run back and forth and wonder if she will be ok without me...shes getting more used to everyone in the house because now she will come to the den with henry still in it..sure she still stays longer with just me but at least i know for a little while that dusti will be ok..after that i dont know but still hoping for the best at least..no idea what id do if i came back and found out dusti somehow managed to go away...so ummm i was thinking about how much i would agree to take anti anything right now..viacodin being way at the top of the list...prolly vailum next since ive done the prozac bit for a while and another one but yea viacodin would make it possible for me to handle anything and just be a smiling idiot while i did whatever i was doing..valium on the other hand would dull me out completely until i still didnt care but in a dead sort of way..but right this minute i dont care...i wouldnt take them anyway but thinking about taking them is keeping me from fidgeting off a cliff or something..im trying to sit still but i keep wanting to move or shake or pace or something but i cant because im just making myself worry more thinking mommy is going to come walking down the hallway and find out im still awake..but all the same ill have to go soon..and until im actually ready to leave i didnt think it would bother me so much...feeling seriously alone right now and i think i just made it worse than it had to be but mommy is working hard at getting to me and im trying hard not to let her.i dont want to give in..not now..i juts cant...not that i dont hear what she says but ifs she sint watching me like a hawk she ignores me completely unless she wants something.. soo i dont know..i just think i need to grow up and stop complaining..good grief ill settle for anything that will make me sleep right about now