drowned rat

im beyond tired right now...i think my bones are tired and yelling at me to go to bed..but because i think im losing my eyesight the more i write ill have to make this quick...so i just got back from 4 hours in the pool...fun yes but 4 hours in the pool..that has to be the longest i ahve ever been in any pool for as long as i can remember..swam laps for a bit with yvonne, matt came and we half swam laps, i got out of the pool and went to the locker room for half a second and proceeded to run out because it was so cold in there...yvonne gets out and so i end up going back to the locker room and freezing my butt off for like five minutes until i lose feeling in everything..played volleyball, played keep away, ran into the pole numerous times..got pulled under water more than once by matt and yvonne playing keep away..heck pulled them under too..yvonne lost parts of her bathing suit at odd times and matt too, sometimes my fault sometimes not...ive been to the pool more in the last week than i have in a long time too..which yvonne pointed out tonight..but even if i am turning into a chlorine blob and i cant see or hear for the better part of the day im getting better..slowly and painstaking work but in the biggest pool ever on campus i can do a full lap without stopping now..better than when i started but not ten either..trying hard not to start yelling at myself...because i start off practicing fine and then i start getting tired and going shorter and shorter distances and it annoys me...i couldnt expect anyone who wasnt a trained swimmer to just randomly jump in the pool and do ten laps for the heck of it..if i didnt know i had to do a lifeguard test i wouldnt even care to practice at all..still small amount of hope in that maybe i am getting better and working my butt off now will pay off when im gone...still im not completely comfortable in the whole bathing suit deal..even if i do have a tshirt on over it..the shorts dont really count because you can still see my legs..but i guess the first step is actually getting in the pool...all the same im still doing it..well the more i think about it the more i want to just make myself believe i should be going more or getting better faster or something and it doesnt seem that fair..which makes me question if i have a problem with perfection? normally i would say no because my grades go up and down, i dont do anything on a normal basis and i lose interest in stuff really fast..but then i have the few things i didnt stop which have nothing to do with perfection...perfection isnt control i dont think..where did i get this i have to be the best thing from ? maybe its not perfection concerning other things..maybe its more of a perfection about things i do? or maybe ive just confused the heck out of myself without meaning too..maybe im a perfectionist in spurts or something..and maybe when i am i suddenly have ocd or something..yes i have rare moments when i do something and i dont want anyone to touch it or change it because it wont be the same and it drives me up the wall or i could just be being a complete spazz but i always associate perfection with eating and or not eating or just eating issues in general...and i so knew i was doing it again and stopping wasnt that important or i didnt realize it or something but i have managed to fall into well not eating and it was accidental this time...or it happened slow enough that i didnt pick up on it and since i havent purged it wasnt just glaring at me or anything..and i just kinda guessed purging wouldnt be a great idea with you know playing in the pool a heck of a lot..and well random nosebleeds i can once again do without..so purging is out and all that leaves in not eating

i spent the weekend by myself..really odd being able to get lost in my head..ok so not odd but an inconvience..felt alone more than anything and well i was but more than just a no one is around kind of alone..more like that in a crowded room and still managing to be alone kind of thing..like no one cares and i could have dropped dead on the spot and it wouldnt have mattered..it wouldnt have been noticed either. and because i had nothing else to do i let the thought stay in my head without trying to stop it..and when i did think of trying to make it go away the first thing i thought up was cutting and it would have worked but i didnt do it..for a while it was just a misplaced thought, like i really had to stop and think for it to be noticed..and then it moved and i really seriously thought about it and instead i made myself do something else, instant relief is suddenly taking the easy way out..and as much as i really like making myself suffer for no apparent reason i dont know where that one came from..i want instant relief its like a no fail way to lie to myself about everything going on in that moment and its ok until i realize what ive done..cant hide from reality all the time..lifetime should be banned when anything but ok..but i say im ok all the time so ill have to be more specific..so lifetime should be banned if im thinking of doing anything that would count as implusive even if its not really..the odds that i could end up watching a movie on child abuse is just way to high for comfort..hence i watched one yesterday that i really didnt need to see at all but the movie itsself was ok..reaction to the movie wasnt good..still want to cut and havent...told jenny that if she cut i would have to give her a piece of my mind..and thats a heck of a long way to go considering shes half way around the world..but still thoughts just kinda refuse to go away

losing track of what i was thinking so bed time