i hate docs..i knew there was a good good reason why i didnt go..minus the whole no insurance thing..now they want to keep an eye on my blood pressure because its getting high again..and that sucks and i really dont have any plan to go back..but ill check it again before i leave for camp..and i had to talk about therapy and the scars and my arm and stomach and the lady was asking about them and she put them with the depression thing and i mentioned the bpd thing but i lied about the ed...didnt mention it, said no when she asked me..and now all the other stuff is written on the stupid medical forms i have to mail the camp and i really would have preferred to not have to do any of that stuff but she asked if i was suicidal and i lied about that too..good grief by the time she got around to that i was again..ugh..but i wanted to lie, i planned on leaving all of that out but i didnt and now im mad at myself about all of it...why i can lie to mommy without thinking about it i dont know..but i cant lie to anyone else about it..not talk about it and not lying about it are not the same thing i dont think..and so ive managed to catch myself again dealing with something i never planned on having to deal with and it sucks...now im just worried about all of it..and i keepp thinking about what would have happened if she had asked me to take off my shirt completely or take off my jeans ..because she didnt see half of what ive done..now i dont like it..i dont like any of it but i cant make them go away either...lately i hate all my scars more than i want to deal with them...things arent getting any easier at all