microscope

im tired and annoyed and trying hard to come up with any reason at all not to cut...even went and looked at razors while i was in the store but i didnt get any..dont know why but i just didnt get any ..i did get shavers though but not for the purposes of breaking them apart...im trying hard not to break my almost full month with no cutting...i dont want to screw it up because its been forever and a day since ive made it a whole month for anything..so maybe it will work out..and since im actually working on it im up writing because im not sure if i want to go to sleep tonight..i have to wake up really early to help henry with somehting and then i can go back to bed if i really want to but its hard for me to wake up and then go back to sleep.. so i got roped into helping him and im trying to be mad at him about it but im not, not really because he did take me back to the store and hes been taking me all over the place lately although its just annoying me more and more that no one will let me drive..i found out today that yvonne has her car and license now and thats really cool but i still have to have mine before i go back in aug..no way around it anymore..so ill just work on that as it comes i guess..hmmm went shopping again today for camp stuff and once again even though i knew what i wanted mommy didnt listen to me much...shes starting to get on nia about gainnig weight even if it is from her meds..she gets on me for not losing weight fast enough..but then if i do she tells me that i need to be careful and slow down...among other things..so its back to the same old i suck thoughts..i keep being reminded that im just not good enough and it sucks because i believe it..even if i know that at school i do things by myself and everything...but then i come here and just forget all of it..i havent been taking my vitamins..i dont care that much about it..just back to the overall sad feeling that refuses to go away..and tthat ive spend the past two days being stared at..it always feels like im being watched or judged or inspected..it makes me worry about how i look and i told nia today that mommy has an a problem with forever judging ppl on looks and since we live here we have to deal with it alot..and its not fair at all..it just makes me more paranoid and much farther away from being comfortable in my own skin..wonder how much it would take to really become a whole new person..maybe it would make things easier and maybe i would be better at dealing with stuff..i talked to jenny a little bit yesterday and she told me that maybe it really is a good thing that im going away for the summer because the change of scenery would be a good thing and a way to get my mind off things..and i hadnt thought of it like that because im so worried about if i will like it or not or if i will be able to handle it and i wasnt considering much that ill be going away all summer..not bored at home or bored at school but actually getting outside and doing something with my summer..true i need the job but this is one of those once in a lifetime kinda things becasue if nia havent really asked me to apply for the job i wouldnt have...i wouldnt have because mommy kept telling me i needed to do it..not because i might like it but because i would be getting paid a decent amt for a summers worth of work..and so i refused but nia asked and i did and now i am going away and it will be the first time ive been gone for a full summer..farthest ive gone too i think in a long time without mommy hanging around at the same time..things are easier without mommy..i can make my choices and i wont be as paranoid after a couple weeks i think...so even with all the packing and arguing and everything ill try to be as positive as i can be..even if it means looking incredibly deep to find where ive managed to hide all the positive stuff that actually pertains to me...might not believe but ill think about it...talked to yvonne today and she told me she made me a camp package thingy but since im not at camp yet and i dont know the address i promised not to open it until im in camp for a while...and ill hide it under my bed so ill forget about it until i needd it..but it was nice to find out she remembered and got me stuff..i wasnt expecting it..random thought i wonder if i can get away with not calling mommy for almost 3 months..prolly not but anyway..yea talking to yvonne made me feel better..seeing justin, julius and jeremiah and sissy in the store made me feel better too..hugs and kisses for them and playing with justin in the middle of the store...im glad sissy has such happy kids..i like seeing them and playing with them even if its not that often..kids have a funny way of getting into my space bubble and i dont mind..riley and harris live in my bubble..justin wanted me to go home with him..it was sweet and i was a little sad i couldnt go with them..but julius came and got him for me because i had to leave...so done with most of the depressing stuff

actually did a little packing today and i found i just have a heck of a lot of stuff..the window in the kitchen is broken..a rock from the lawnmower killed..weird ebcause it was just al of a sudden henry noticed the window was broken and mommy freaked out but aunt doris called and told her what happened becuase it was an accident and she was prolly worried since mj was in a way the one who did it..but mommy of course said not to worry but i know she will complain about it until its fixed..hmm dusti is getting more comfortable in the house so that is good but still ill miss her a lot..trying to get comfortable with knowing she will be home without me..anyway hmm its late and im feeling a bit more sane so i guess ill go to bed now ..but still going to the movies tomorrow with henry...then the rest of the weekend working..and then back to finish packing on tuesday..and somewhere in there a little more practice behind the wheel if im lucky