lots going on

slowly starting to get ready for camp.doc stuff still has me annoyed beyond reason and now ill have to go back on bp meds if it doesnt get any lower..all the same i doubt it will happen or else ill just have to make sure i dont get sick or it gets out of hand since i cant pay for a doc or anything now..going to get my tb test read today and that stupid little poke hurt like hades and i wasnt expecting it when she suddenly poked me...would have been funny if it hadnt hurt..besides it only took like 3 mins total minus the talking and questions...other than that the only other thing i have to get is a drug test..me getting a drug test is funny but ive had one before and it was stupid then too and a huge waste of money..the things im stuck doing all in the name of a summer job! hmm hanging out with harris today and hes sick and finally fell asleep for me, saw jenny this morning and shes always nicee as heck to me..one of the random people whose kids ive watched before and how likes me but i dont really know why..but she always makes me smile so it was ok..guess this is one of those good news bad news kinda days..found out this morning that ill be going to ohio..well the chance is realyl really really good that ill be going to ohio tomorrow for a week to stay with granny and one of my aunts..mommy cant go and so i guess im just the obvious second choice since you know i have tons of free time and i obviously cant find anything remotely productive to do with my time..i was promised to go before i was even asked..not that it matters cas im going if i have too, im going because i have too..id rather not spend a week in the hospital, id rather not have to watch someone die...still now it just sucks because im being a selfish bug and i deserve to be stepped on or something because even with everything going on i still dont want to go and it just makes it worse hearing mommy tell everyone im just so glad to go and help out and yea i said id go but i wasnt happy about it and she knows it but like ive said that part doesnt really matter..i said yes and thats all that counts, if i said no i dont know..get asked in a way that makes it impossible to even conisder saying a no outloud..i thought about saying no and i wanted to say no but i ignored that and said yes..id rather just stay here and work and make the extra money because i kinda do have bills and things to pay and i cant go to ohio and know that i wont be working any and theres junk i still need for camp..stuff i need for this trip..things i need for dusti..suddenly i have an endless supply of things i need and things i have to do and my time is being taken away from me..and even though mommy said she would pay my rent it doesnt make me feel better because yes she will pay them but then ill never hear the end of it..even though i would have the money if i would stop giving it to her and believing her when she says she will pay me back..it doesnt really work that way and then i end up short and she has to pay it anyway...either way it doesnt realy work out for me..its just confusing...so now its just wait and see whats going to happen time until i hear from mommy again..but after the last few hours im considering walking to ohio by myself and ill just see how far i make it...jumping subjects...camp or no camp i cant stay here..so maybe half getting a trip to ohio can be a good thing minus the someones in the hospital part..ill be away for a while and thats all ill just be away for a while..also doesnt help knowing that ill have to plan on coming home almost every weekend if i want to be able to pay anything next semester..but thinking about that makes me seriously conisder suicide and since thats still a couple months away im trying hard not to think about it just yet ..but i think im gonna get a new book today when i go to the store..among other things i need to pick up..was thinking about something last night to write about but ive forgotten it now..but no bad dreams since the last time i complained about it so maybe my head has decided to stop bothering me or something..or maybe its just taking a break and im so jinxingg myself writing about it now..hmm but still im not as worried about sleeping again..i have a weird internal clock or something though..well i hardly ever sleep more than 7 hours any night but if i go to sleep thinking of a time to wake up then ill wake up at that time..doesnt matter if i have an alarm set or not because ill be awake before it goes off..it still surprises me when i wake up at 6 because i said i wanted to wake up at 6 not because im done sleeping because waking up at 6 in the morning is enough to drive me up the wall its been so long since ive had to wake up that early..but i had to come to work with mommy today and so i had to wake up at 6 and then wasted time any way cas i didnt want to get up...hmm besides spending most of my day laughing at dusti scaring herself in the mirror nothing great is going on