depressing

ive been trying to think of something to say but i havent been able to come up with anything..finished my exams and it was ok, i think i did ok on it..right now grade wise i know i have 3 a's and im expecting my last two grades to be b's ..if they are i make the deans list again..surprisingly that doesnt make me happy at all..could be because im ready to cry and because i dont want to i just dull out everything until i manage to not feel any of it...cant say its working to well though..i havent decided if the next thing will be cutting or just going to sleep..i wont sleep though..just stay awake and look out the window or stare at the ceiling while i think up a million different things..mommy told me earlier today that granny is back in the hospital and having heart surgery today..that i was ok with i guess and i heard it and just kinda put it away to think about later on..tonight she asks if i will go to ohio to stay for a couple weeks because i have the free time..i wanted to say no and almost every thought in my head said say no..not that it mattered because i said i would go if i had too..everyone seems to forget that i dont have any money to do anything with much less get a plane ticket..i wanted to use dusti as an excuse to not go anywhere but i didnt..even thinking of not wanting to go makes me feel horrible..im supposed to want to go and help..after mommy asked i just kinda knew it had already been talked about..most likely she volunteered my time because it wouldnt be fair to ask me first i guess..its assumed and expected that i will say yes..i always say yes anyway..almost always i say yes..flat out told prof dunn no when she asked for a hug..but then i tell everyone no when they ask for a hug..staring at the screen doesnt do anything but make my eyes hurt...i forgot i cant go to bed until yvonne gets back because she left her keys and i dont like leaving the door unlocked if i can help it..i just want to hurt i keep thinking mommy is going to call and say granny died ..prolly a good idea to keep reminding myself that i cant cut my arms..maybe if i look at my arm long enough all the scars will go away and i can start over..if that really happened i wonder if i would go and keep cutting or stop..now wouldnt be the best time to test that theory...i keep thinking about what i want to do and all of those can be kinda painful if i thought about it long enough and everything i have on my list of things not to do i dont consider painful at all..last time i checked crying did not land anyone in the hospital..im not really sure what ive managed to do for the last 3 or so hours..losing interest in just about everything because i gave up playing sims to stare at my computer..i give up trying to sort out my head..and i wish it wasnt 10 and i wish i wasnt out of everything that makes me sleep