not happy

today i was thinking about how things just stressed really fast when mommy is home and shes home now..and im here by myself because nia went to a concert and all i can think about is how much i dont want to be home when mommy gets here...nervous for a lot of reasons the main one being there will be something to get yelled at for..theres always something to get yelled at for and if im here by myself then i just happen to get the be the target even if i had nothing to do with it...but im not happy here and i dont think ive ever really thought about things like that..or else i never stopped the thought when it ran through my head but im not..maybe because im feeling suicidal again i dont know but i just keep thinking about going to greenville tomorrow and not being able to stay and it makes me want to cry..i want to be there with yvonne and ming and i cant because being compeltely logical for a few mintues i need to be here where i can get to places nad work if i need too..because i have to work on practicing driving and getting stuff together for camp and that wont work out at all if i stay in greenville..so i need to be here at home if i want to or not..besides if nothing else its not fair to keep chasing dusti all over my room to just take her back and forth between houses..shes here and so she will stay here until aug..and im trying hard not to worry bout that for now...i have a headache and ive spent most of the past two days reminding myself nonstop that im going to the doc tomorrow and i cant do anything..after that i dont care as long as im careful and not doing anything incredibly stupid..but since im still purging i guess it evens out again..theres nothing to do and its leaving me to much time to think..i was really really hoping i would be able to go see prof dunn tomorrow and i wont be able too..im feeling so isolated and alone and lonely and there its getting to me just a little bit...i spend so much time in my head without anywhere to go to get any kind of break and thers nothing to hold my attention for long..its hard because i want to let her talk to me just for the heck of it...because i dont have anyone else to talk too...