dont know

i keep thinking im waiting for something..i just dont know what it is..just a really bad feeling about whatever it turns out to be...but no real idea about what in the world it could be...suddenly realized when i woke up this morning that i havent cut..i think i just forgot about it long enough for it to go away or something..but anyway i was right about my grades..3 a's and 2 b's and so it means i made the deans list and ive known for sure since yesterday but i didnt call mommy..i dont want to call her because i dont want to ha ve to feel any worse for my grades than i already do..not that they are really bad or anything but if i hadnt kept putting stuff off i could have ended up with all a's or something..weird to think i cant be happy about anything if i know mommy is just going to yell at me about it..but since i already know she will be mad i went and told a couple other ppl who i knew would be happy for me just because half a second of feeling just a little bit proud is really better than a week of being sad over it..but it doesnt stay so i dont know why i do it anyway..ugh online stuff is starting to annoy me..well one thing thats been going on lately in on of the groups i happen to be in..last time i checked they didnt count as suicide watch and they arent supposed to be..no reason at all for the same person to keep coming back and threatening suicide and demanding to be talked too..but when someone else comes and blames the group in general for someone else trying suicide doesnt seem fair at all..bad thing being its happened before in a smaller group but it was more ed related and someone came and yelled at us in a way and for that one i did feel more responsible over because we werent exactly trying to stop anyone from doing anything..but we werent making it ok either..but still that one wasnt good either and it bothered me alot..but this time it just gets on my nerves..and maybe i should be sad that the guy is in the hospital..also i should prolly keep into acct that this is just the internet and some thing may not be completely true..but also dont think someone would play with suicide that much..could be wrong but still the whole thing just really makes me mad..and that annoys me more since i work hard at not getting mad..did i really actually just consider the importance of taking responsibilty for your own actions and wrote it somewhere else? i think the world might be coming to an end or something..all the same that is what it comes down too..i cant put off anything i do on someone else..i cant ignore it either because all of it might count as impluse stuff but i dont happen to do most of it on impluse..i think it out enough to know i want to do it and how and all that weird stuff i do..i dont think i try to put it off on other people more than i juts ignore that i do it...thats prolly been in my head since the other day..i didnt realize that when yvonne got goggles it would make things a little clearer and so now she has seen my legs and she asked me about it and i didnt tell her how any of it happened..but now i dont know..it makes me nervous but i dont know if it will come up again..and what ive done to my legs cant really be explained away without a really really really good lie..and sometimes lying is so not my strong point...all the same it makes me nervous and i wonder not that she will ask but what she will think without asking...given i would lie if she did but i dont knkow if she would belive me..more often than not i just end up hating what ive done..hate but not stop..so i deal with it i guess or half deal with it...or ignore it until it stops hurting..none of it makes sense anymore..all of a sudden it got to the point of being a pain always hiding..the scars on my chest being the stupidest place ive ever cut..wonder how much i would change if i couold change any of it..last night before i went to sleep i was thinking again about what i would want people to think of me when i died..and i rethought about the want vs shoulds thing..but even that only makes half sense if i dont know what i want...cant find the balance between them if i only know half of it..but the shoulds are easier to think up because its more about what i think someone else wants me to do..i have to come up with wants and i dont know those..just confuses me because i dont know why i cant come up with anything that i want...thet same way it bothers me a little bit that i know it will take me a really long time to manage to get pass all of the bad stuff that automatically comes up..when i think that i get to come up with what i want people to say i dont think of good things first..even if i dont really want it...i have to completely get though all of them before i can start to get around to half good stuff...not sure ill even make it to completely good stuff..im still stuck in you suck thoughts and that can take forever to get around...