sunday

for some reason these days just never want to end. i have no idea what to do with myself..i did my hair at least it was starting to annoy me and thats about all..i havent even cleaned up the huge mess i left in the bathroom. i got a call about the camp thing and i have to do a phone interview next week for that. otherwise are the same i guess but i did talk myself into painting last night..weird pictures that i of course cant explain..started a new book and nothing is on tv so im watching dark angel..i really want to watch higer ground and im not sure how that will make me feel..sometimes its ok and sometimes its not. one of these days mommy is going to catch me lying about the church stuff..i really really hope that she doesnt but still it makes me feel guilty..i know i dont go and i have yvonne on call to lie for me if it even comes up and mommy asks her if i go to church or something...it really shouldnt be a big deal and it is..and hmm sometimes i wonder if i should go back and at least give it another try but church just isnt my thing..maybe its just religion in general or maybe its just i dont trust what i cant see..ok ill go for the last choice..i dont even trust what i can see..hmm im back to letting everything slack off again, i dont want to be bothered but yvonne is worried and paying a bit more attention to me when she can..she got into a play and now she will be uber busy and ill be by myself alot..not that im worried ill do anything because ill just bore myself to tears and sleep more than i should to keep myself from doing anything..i dont want to be bothered and i dont want to be alone really either..thats like the sad and mad thing..theres always something that has to be at odds with each other in my head..it cant just leave me alone...im trying to think of something i want to eat but ive munched all day on junk food and now i want to go b/p but i dont want to cook to have a reason to but its one of those things i just know ill do eventually and i should go ahead and do it to get it over with..so wants going on that has completely screwed my head up for my weekly crisis..i found out thursday that i wont be getting fin aid for next semester and its not like i have thousands of dollars just lying around for me to use..its my fault it happened though and if i hadnt screwed things up for almost two years then my grades wouldnt have sucked and i would have graduated on time and i wouldnt be stuck now..mommy says not to worry and i said ok but i will worry i am worried..i dont know what im supposed to be doing..i keep thinking that if i am suicidal then i have to tell someone..im stuck telling someone and so i keep talking myself out of it but it takes so much work doing that..finding something to stick around for..and now linda and jenny are asking me to make sure i dont go anywhere..talk about random conversations..it really sucks promising that though.feeling to much and nothing is dulling it out..still i promise to try and i think about what happened to susan and she said she would try and i havent heard from her in overa year, she promised to try and she didnt..no idea where she is or even if shes even alive anymore..and that sucks because i really really wanted her to be ok..we were supposed to do so much stuff, we talked about the oddest stuff and it was ok with her..but now i dont know..too much going on..my whole little be nicer to myself im so planning on starting that in a few weeks..after you know i stop sucking so much