odd

mommy came today for a visit and this morning i was freaking out about it but its over and done with now. it was her and nia and we went out to lunch and shopping and yvonne came along too. i have never said i dont get along with mommy to yvonne she has been around for some of the phone arguments and she knows a few of the 'lies' i tell the mom to keep myself out of trouble and even those mostly pertain to religous stuff or what im doing with my money...now yvonne does know im quiet, deathly so and she tries hard to get me to talk, she also tries to get me to not be so shy but anyhoo..we were only out for like 5 hours or so and while we were in one of the stores and yvonne was just i nthe dressing room with me she said that she knew why i was so quiet...and i asked her what she was talking about and she said that she listened and watched and that iit was for everything i said someone else was telling me i was wrong or to be quiet or talking over me. she said that if that happened to her she would stop talking too. i told her that that was pretty insightful for only being with us for like 2 hours. but afteer she said it i guess i just noticed it more..like yes im quiet but what are my reasons for being so quiet..and she was right in a completely surprising way...i am really afraid of being wrong or getting in trouble and so i dont say much if i can help it..and its just having it pointed out from the one person i would even consider myself close to and i had nothing to do with bringing the subject up...it made me think of when my teachers asked why i was so quiet and i said it was because i was afraid i would be wrong if i said anything but i couldnt explain where the wrong feeling was coming from...maybe now i know or maybe ive always known and just not wanted to have to bring it up...but we get home and yvonne is like praising me for my wonderful coping skills and it took all of my will power not to turn around and tell her exactly what it takes to put up with all of it...not to turn around and explain why it is i cant wear anything sleeveless and why it is i flat out refuse to even consider dating...but i didnt i just told her it was no big deal and you get used to it...but it is a big deal isnt it? we had alreeady determined yvonne wouldnt last a day with mommy and yet ive lasted oh a good 22 some years give or take and maybe i dont realize the good in it..if there is any..dont know