hurt

everything in my head is just yelling at me to say im fine and i really really really want to but them i remember why i wont be able to sleep tonight and i know im not really fine..if i said i was fine all day long then maybe ill get around to believing it again. i think ill have to come up with something else to be besides fine. oh like maybe the whole truth..not that i lie i just dont like ppl worrying and fine is just fine..not good not bad just somewhere in the middle. at least i was calmer today..but ive learned calm is not exactly always a good thing..im still stuck in major blame and nothing is helping..i keep trying to make it go way and nothing is working..prolly not picking the safest things i could think of to try but im not really into dangerous zone either..yet..and everything hurts and im not complaining but i wouldnt mind sleeping off all of it for a long while..i want to forget what ive done but i cant do that either..now i just wonder what im doing and what ive done in less than 24 hrs and why it wont stop and why it has to hurt and why i just cant manage to make it all go away.