nothing

im just here letting the dog sleep on me yet again but it doesnt really count as sleeping on me if shes like the size of a shoe still...today was kinda up and down all day...i was ok and then i wasnt and then i was again and so on..right now im not great and im really tired but there is a lot of things i should do before i go to bed...im watching wife swap and the show just doesnt make sense i dont see why someone would agree to switching and taking care of someone elses family all in the name of you know learning a life lesson..it was horrible and i guess it worked out for the familys but it was annoying to watch...but anyway i took my online quiz today and did ok on it, i went to campus this morning with yvonne and i think that is some of why im feeling so tired right now..waking up that early is killer...tomorrow i have to wake up early to but wed im so sleeping in as much as i can...the kitchen has been destroyed again but ill clean up soon...i was working on some of the mindfulness stuff today and well i figured out the first problem with it...ok its all about emotions and i dont know then..i was trying to figure out what i was feeling and i couldnt figure out what it was..the harder i tried to figure it out the more i was wondering if it was possible not to feel anything..i wasnt happy but i wasnt sad either..just somewhere inbetween but i didnt have a word for it...so i gave in and looked up a whole list of emotions and there are a lot of them..like hundreds umm ok so not that many but a good amount and i looked at it and there are a lot im not even sure i have even felt before..but i cant really be sure if i dont know what it is...maybe it will help and maybe it wont i dont know yet..reading all the information though had its good points and it makes sense on some far off emotional level i havent found yet..i really think i prefer ignoring all of them or just ignoring them enough to give myself a break but ignoring them doesnt help me any...i cant be expected to explain emotions to someone else when i dont even know them..how can i not know them? there should be a class that seriously makes you feel each and every emotion there is just so you know what they are...the other interesting thing is that if you search emotions in google and then put it on images you get all these books that come up..some ive seen before and some i havent but they all sound really good if i ever needed something else to read..i need to finish the books i have now before i go and get more to read...ill start getting them all mixed up if i keep starting books without finishing them...i decided to make copies of the daily journal thing just to see how far i can get before i finish driving myself in sane trying to figure out emotions..i practiced a little bit today and i just happened to be on the bus both times i did it but im so easily distracted..every other thing going on managed to get my attention and going back and forth to concentrate without judging got really hard..i wanted to just tell myself i was being stupid but that would have been like 50 steps in the wrong direction and stopping everytime i start judging would mean i would never get anything done..and that brings up the question of if i want to stop the whole being mean to myself..i dont think i gave a real answer when i was asked about but i was thinking hard for a reason not to have to stop in the first place and i couldnt think of one..i just kept coming back to the fact that it doesnt help and me being mad at myself does nothing at all..there isnt a benefit to it unless i go and cut or b/p..if im going be mad at myself i might as well have a good reason for it..wouldnt take a rocket scientist to tell me i dont care much for myself and now its just being pointed out to me..and yea i guess i know it but if i ignore it enough it will go away again too..to bad that doesnt work though, eventually i realize exactly what im doing i just dont know why..im starting to not like why questions at all..everything has to be why and i dont know..at least with this part of it i dont know...what ever benefit it started out as ive lost it now and now it just hurts..its like its so a part of me i dont know how to stop it..what would i have to talk to myself about if i was actually nice to myself..i think the world might stop moving or something..maybe it doesnt even have to be nice ill even take you know just not wishing i would go fall off a cliff or something..funny how in all of this stopping the cutting hasnt come up..i cant like myself if i still cut and b/p i cant stop without beginning to realize that they hurt more than they help..and that would mean somewhere in there i would have to stop making excuses for it to make it ok..and that would mean understanding more than just want all the wonderful psych books say about it..stopping and thinking..right now im sick of thinking and the world would be a better place if i never had another single measly thought in my head..but since that wont happen and im just stuck in my head completely hating the fact that its to late to take anything to just let me sleep until tomorrow..that and since i always take to much i cant afford to over slep tomorrow or walk around half drugged..not good nope..so that only leaves just staying awake until i h ave to sleep..i dont think i wont to sleep though im having weird dreams..i was yelling at yvonne and alexis in one of them, seriously yelling and i was so mad at them i cant remember why though and i dont remember what started it or why or anything i just know i was really really mad..or the one where i went to the doc and then told me i couldnt go in, but it was so weird because everything was so neat and organized, not like they usually are...sometimes i hate my head..umm yea bad moment..

so my good note for the week..im taking my vitamins again..im a tad bit worried about my iron..im hoping i havent let it get to low but i dont know so im taking them again..and maybe one of these days i should take myself back to the doctor but that just scares me and ill keep putting it off..i want ice and there isnt any in the house so im out of luck for right now..ugh everything is bothering me right now and i want to just complain or something but i cant do that either..i hope sleep works then as a last resort for the night its all i have