dont know

something is seriously bothering me i just dont know what yet...kinda funny i got completely lost in the hospital today..all the construction around the hospital had my usual way blocked off..so i learned a new way and maybe the hospital isnt as creepy as i like to think it is..i found the gift shop..but crossing the street is still really scary with the whole moving cars thing..hmm today i figured out that maybe im not a compelete lost cause..why i dont know but since i dont see it ill let to let other ppl see it for me..and i got that i dont really need mommy to make myself feel horrible..ive perfected the art of being mean to myself..the whole control thing will take some time as will a heck of a lot of other stuff..im trying incredibly hard to not start yelling at myself cas i really want to just to do it..still working on the emotion thing and so far ive learned that i spend most of my sad for some reason and the rest of the day i dont but i can pick out saddness..and if i take out love the info i got isnt that bad..i think before i pull out the book on parents even though i can think of 50 million reasons for why thats not a good idea but if im gonna do it i have to start before next week..the closer it gets to the 10th the more ill end up getting stuck in my own little world..or suicidal which ever works..but anyway what i thought up on the way home..im not seriously scared anymore and i dont know when it happened but the thought just kinda threw itsself at me today..still a bit scared of talking because i know eventually all my ok topics will be talked out and theere wont be anything left to talk about except everything else..but im not scared over the reactions anymore kinda or against my better judgement im learning how to trust..slowly but learning all the same. hmm my head hurts but i have to get going...