just because

i knew there was a good reason for not taking naps during the day..i cant sleep at night and now im awake and i really want to sleep..besides when i woke up this afternoon i wasnt feeling good and ended up taking meds but i dont know if it helped or not...i cant be sure if its my sinus's or not becuase right now i only have a headache and runny nose and that could be from b/p too..so im hoping im just catching a cold...yvonne got disney trival pursit and ive never played the game but since its disney it was more for my benefit..and of course i lose the first game but its ok itw as fun and i wasnt doing horribly when i lost unlike when we play sceneit and im so far behind its just not even a fair game lol and thats with yvonne giving me a major headstart in the first place.. but we went to alexis's house for dinner and i was just going to play the game since i wasnt feeling good and didnt want to eat..and im not a fan of pasta anyway so i ended up having a salad and a little bit of the fake chicken yvonne made which was really good...i should feel worse because im not eating great again but im not..so reasons for writing because there are always reasons eventually..i was watching the green mile tonight and it seriously is a sad movie but a good one and that makes it worse because i dont watch it without crying and ive watched enough to know what happens so why put myself through it? because its good..so i watched it and eventually got around to the same thing i always think about but now im sad enough to be considering cutting and im not sure i want too..i havent cut since i dont know but its been a little while maybe a couple weeks.i dont know how i can forget but its kinda easy if im not looking at new scars...maybe im stuck in limbo or something i want to but im writing here ..might not work or it might and im just hoping ill go to sleep once im done..i was reading the info i got on mindfulness and it makes since but now im trying to figure out which emotions i can even identify, i know it has to be more than the basic ones and if i know its the basic happy, sad, or mad then what is it? i dont know..i think i make emotions out of things that arent ment to be them..like i know crying isnt one but it should be just to make things as nonconfusing as possible..crying is a reaction like cutting but crying isnt something that would technically hurt me...and now im way off what i was trying to write about..so back to the movie umm yea an innocent guy dies for well soemthing he didnt do and its like there wasnt any help for him and the guards couldnt stop it..and i know it happens but that doesnt make it better and that does make me sad..and that went to ppl shouldnt just be hurt for something they didnt do because it isnt fair..that went to kids shouldnt be hurt for anyreason..everything that happens to a person in there life will affect them if they want it to or not..thats not fair either when its something that they may have had no control over anyway..at the time it wasnt noticed but if they look back its like why in the world am i taking the blame for it when its not mine to take..still thinking about how it should have turned out doesnt change anything, make things seem way more sucky way but not change them...its like thinking i have willing and without question completely taken blame for everything but i dont know why i did it..ive taken enough psych class though to figure it out if i thought about it long enough..so why..why even bother thinking about it now..just because i have to think about it so ill know...the blame thing works best when it goes from adult to kid..the whole authority thing and im right your wrong and what i say goes and if not then your just being mean and ungrateful..maybe its so the parent wont feel guilty for whatever they have done or made they are seriosuly thinking it is the kids fault and they deserve it and then they just make it a point to make sure the kid has no way what so ever to get out of taking the blame and not forgetting it...i guess if it happened enough then it juts turns into no big deal and it doesnt get questioned anymore...but what would happen if one day someone did start to wonder why things are the way they are..i know the past doesnt go away sure it would be a bit better if i could remember more of it but since i cant oh well for me but for whatever reason its all decided i need to deal with it now...and deal with it im not doing so well but i notice it more i guess, a lot of it has to be pointed out for me but ill get it eventually..besides i would rather not get back to being completely afraid to go to sleep that was really creepy and weird and at the time i had no idea what any of it meant..now i know what one did mean and its like darnit why did i want to know in the first place..easy enough answer though because if i dont know then ill wonder about it and wonder why i had it in the first place...i talked about my compeltely stupid dream and if the one i consider stupid can make that much sense i dont want to even consider what the other one means...sure ive tried analyzing it from a couple different ways..and if i make everyone in the creepy dream me then it all comes down to im seriously hurting myself and one a much deeper level than systematically having scars on my arms..but if i look at it from like everything represents something else then im not as sure but it still comes down to the fact that im the one getting hurt and there isnt any help...and that would be the part that bothers me the most...more than the whole bad thing that happened it was that i was trying hard to stop it but the more i tired the more alone the whole thing got..scary, and thinking about it now doesnt make me feel better if its making me feel worse..actually im just scaring myself again..and so ill jump topics again..back to the trust and acceptance thing...not that ill get far with those tonight to busy thinking about how much light it takes to scare off monsters but anyway..i have somehow but trust and acceptance together and i didnt mean to.kinda like the shame and guilt thing just not to the point of being unable to tell them apart..i know the difference between trust and accpetance..i was thinking about trust this morning though and why i trust the people i do trust and i swear its an age thing..until i started thinking about i wouldnt have noticed that almost all of the people i trust are older than me like arent older than me and none are guys...maybe that is a safety thing but hmm i dont know..im done paying attention for the night..completely thinking random stuff about dusti