little steps

i go down stairs this morning and see all this stuff on the floor and for a second i seriously thought something had exploded..and then i remembered we had a silly string war last night..yvonne came back last night with her mom and i got vday presents from her mom and she gave us silly string again..and we proceeded to empty both cans in about 20 mins and now its all over the walls and carpet..and it was fun last night but cleaning it up is going to be a killer..dusti and ming cant decide what it is so they go back and forth between sniffing it and advoiding it..kinda funny because when we were spraying each other with it last night they were hiding and we did it with yvonnes mom sitting right there..not that she wwas yelling at us because she was giving tips on how to get each other lol..but yvonne did start it this time..i think i started the last one we had and i still lost it becuase someone i got trapped in my room covered in silly string..and then she took dusti for ransom and i had to get mind for ransom and still i lost but it was..and i got a really cute ducky washcloth and car ebear chocolate and umm hot toddy drink mix which im not sure i like because you put whiskey in it but ive never had it so i dont know..i might just give it to yvonne because i know she likes it and a few others things and it was really nice..

fun aside im in a really crummy mood and if i could feel any worse right now i have no idea what i would be doing..its just im getting so mad at what i did and the more i try not to think about it the more i notice it..and the more i just think about how bad i am and how much i suck and it keeps going back and forth between them..im trying hard to keep it from going any farther than that but its not working great and its making me want to cut..and as i was talking to myself this morning i keep telling myself to stop it and its funny because the sec i say stop i do for like 5 secs and then i start again..for some reason im refusing to let myself forget what i did and as annoying as it is its getting on my nerves..ive been at it all morning and the yelling at myself doesnt hurt but my side does and i really just want to stop and cry and i wont and i really want someone to tell me it will be ok and i wont go ask because that would kinda mean id have to come up with some reason for my side to be hurting in the first place and i wont do that either and the meds i ttook this morning made my headache go away but its like my side is hurting more the longer im awake..and the more it hurts the more upset i get..i should have known better..this is just a sucky day..stupid ongoing day and i would prefer to juts stay in bed and forget im alive but im not sleepy and just laying in bed would make things worse..not even thinking about rent coming put is lifting my mood..i want to throw something and i guess its a good thing i have nothing breakable handy i really just want to destroy something..theres only so much i can handle doing to myself..so thats out...or maybe not..that would be two weeks down the drain..i dont care i just want my head to leave me alone..accept the inevitable and forget about it...i just kinda know i wont make it through the day..and i know ill just feel worse about it but for now thinking about that i have to get out of bed at some point and go to campus and if i just go now i wont think clearly about anything and it would be a waste.. i have to calm down for one thing or else i wont even make it out the door..its like ok deep breath and some where in there concentrating will start but it wont be enough..nothing works

a little bit earlier i was randomly looking at my collection of books and i had forgotten i had one on acceptance..prolly because i havent finished it yet but i looked at it for a little while and lucky me and actually at the part on acceptance..read it for a min got annoyed and put it back...one of these days ill get around to finishing it..took me almost a year to read the one on parents and that was after swearing off ever finishing it but curiousity got the better of me and i finished it..and thinking about it now makes me remember why i didnt even like it..ugh stupid ook anyway and i didnt believe any of it.maybe i just didnt want to..right now everyhting really really bothers me but not what i wanted to write about anyway..why cant i accept anything? everything is stupid..nevermind