im a dork

i forgot to get more medicine at the store when we went last night and now im feeling horrible..some of it prolly from eating at like 1 in the morning..random night when i was planning on going to bed early and then didnt because we walked to the store and i looked at all the new stuff in the grocery store...i think im the only person who actually likes going to the grocery store, there are a million things to look at there and its entertaining..after a wasted a millionn hours doing nothing in there we left and came home and i watched a movie and yvonne colored because i got her a new coloring book..and we took a million online quizzes to figure out which disney heroine we were most like..i got cinderella and alice and they arent even in my list of favorites..cinderella i can understand but good grief alice in wonderland ive watched maybe twice and i dont like that movie much..still it was kinda fun even if i did have to share my bed..and then i wasnt sleepy so i read some more of a million little pieces and that book just makes me think about just about everything..i cant relate to what he has done, lies or not but i can relate to how he thinks..considering ive ne ver been in rehab but i can guess getting to the point where ppl are telling you to stop what your doing or you will die just isnt a good thing..maybe everything really is about control..because my first thought was i would be mad as heck if i had someone telling me i couldnt do something because it would just make me want to do it more when i have someone else taking control of it..and im really stupid for completely forgetting i do have the occasional person doing that in a not so good way...most of the time its just ppl imply and really want to believe ive stopped and that makes me feel incredibly guilty because i cant really say well no i havent and just let them think what they want..so i thought about it and its not some ppl i guess mommy says stop flat out but my teachers and doc say find something that doesnt hurt..now its like ok just how hard am i actually trying to stop? i dont know it comes and goes..whenever i care enough about the consequences..last night i cared though and it sucked because nia wants me to work at this camp with her over the summer and ive slowly been working on the application but it says i might have to get a medical exam..and im healthy enough i guess but its been a long time since i have done like a physical and i dont really plan on going to get on soon and i would really hate if i cant get the job becasue of a stupid test..i told mommy last night i would worry about it once i found out for sure if i needed one or not..but i know ill worry because its my fault in the first place..its not like i can give the blame to someone else because i have a bunch of scars in various places that cant be explained..mommy says blame dusti if anyone asks about my chest and she did it once and they told me i needed to get rid of her..that made me mad because she answered before i could say anything and then i was dumb enough to agree by not correcting it..what would i have said anyway..and after that it was just she told me constantly to pull my shirt up and that i needed to becareful with what i wear..now everything is are you sure your chest is covered, will this or that be long enough and its all because i care.well no its not.you care yes but not about the scars becasue you dont have them yoou care because im a reflection of you and somehow i managed to screw it up enough that you can be called a bad parent if anyone knew so i guess everyone wins if no one knows.. i cant say its ever been about me..only when it counts and only when you have an audience and ugh..all the same its hard having my control constantly picked away its not like i have that much anyway and i would like to keep what i do have but thats not working out so hot..the odd thing being before when im asked i would swear up and down its never about control..now its ok maybe it is about control because everyone eventually gets around to saying stop and that just doesnt work..thats like handing them all the control and im left listening to what everyone wants me to do and thinks is best for me..sometimes i would prefer that happened but not with the s/i they could have anything else and everyone who knows just saw fit to pick that..and then they have all picked the wrong thing...yes i have some amt of control over the s/i because well i do it but its really not that simple..i dont consider myself to control that though because when i try to stop like serious try to stop and i make evvery effort possibly and try every thing i can think of to stay busy and get my mind off things my head will start turning it into the only thing that will make anything better..its like do it or die kinda and its like just sitting on the floor watching someone else do something ten times worse than anything ive ever done and still i want it but i cant and then i have to go back and forth between wanting it and knowing what will happen if i do it..its always the same thing and it doesnt change but i miss out on that thought in the process..it always calms for a little while and then its like this whole statisfaction thing because i have done it and im not stressed or mad or sad or something but then i start feeling horrible ive gone and done it again because im a dork or a wimp or something for not being able to stick it out and not listen to what i somehow manage to tell myself..good or bad i want it all the same like now i really want it and have since yesterday but here i am writing and seriously just making it worse because im thinking about it more than i need too..write and forget or write and remember or not write at all and slowly drive myself up the wall thinking about just how bad i can let it get before i manage to stop it..the not so good thing being if it gets far enough along the only way to even begin to stop it is to cut hmm lately ive been wanting to burn but that one is just more of a pain thing and i work at not doing it because i really dont know how to take care of burns...umm back to the control thing..if i dont control it then it cant be taken away but if its my head then regardless of how im getting the message across to my self its still my message right? i dont know somehow ive made it become not mine and its someone else but umm yea that just so makes me sound majorly crazy..on the other hand i completely control the b/p..that i can turn off and on whenever i want too...since im the on who can stop it when it goes to far and only do it enough to make whatever point im trying to make..that one not many ppl know about and its harder for anyone to try to get that away from me..but if i would give up the b/p before i do the cutting then it cant be about control i dont think..that would mean i want someone to take the control for b/p away from me but let me keep the cutting that i dont really consider myself controlling..and now ive confused myself completely..or maybe because more ppl do know about the cutting and from the start i couldnt keep the control for it so i turned it into something where i can say the control isnt mine and then to everyone else i can say ok ill stop because well just because..but less ppl know about the b/p and that one is almost exclusively mine so i can do what i want with it..its not like im asked everyday if i go and you know throw up dinner..but i am asked everyday indirectly if im still 'ok' as in am i cutting..like i would be dumb enough to say no! ill take the guilt and shame and feeling like a waste of time for that stupid lie..but if i feel guilty for still doing it when im asked and actually say yes then im not getting anywhere am i?..maybe not..ugh this is really starting to make me drift off..like ive gotten to the point of where im not thinking of anything anymore and so im gone without really being gone..like when i completely zoned out in class and i have no idea where i was but it wasnt there..that is a very weird feeling and its only been really bad once..i dont know how i did it but i hope i dont do it again..and its so hard to explain that feeling because well now im thinking about it..it was more than my usual zoning out because i was there but i wasnt..just really weird and i dont even remember what triggered it now..just i dont know..i think im just gonna go back to bed for a while