really bored

its only 8 and im already considering going to bed..its either go to bed or stay mad at myself..for some reason i didnt realize until i started hurting that i b/p 3 times in less than 24 hrs..i dont know what i was thinking but now it just hurts moving because my sides hurt alot right now..randomly noticed it while i was laying on the floor playings sims..so i ate ice and now i cant stop shaking either..right now everything sucks and hurts..i feel like im gonna fall apart for some reason..its like well i wanted to hurt and so i am but when i was thinking about it i didnt exactly want this..and now im done complaining..but i remembered the other part of what i was thinking about last night while i was reading..it was boundaries..i couldnt remember what it was this morning when i was writing..but it said that we make boundaries as kids and there in place by the time your 2 and they either stick or get screwed up..as a kid what do you need bounudaries for? i cant come up with any reason for having them that young and ive been thinking about it but then i had to consider what my definition for boundaries was..and i think its like your either blocking something or protecting something..i know everyone has boundaries but i dont know when or why i made them and i cant even think of any i happen to have..i pretty sure i have some but with the definition im thinking of i cant get any to come up..maybe i have the wrong definition of what they are...im being really stupid because ive taken enough classes that i should know the correct definition of the word anyway and i cant think of it..i cant think of how they are made either..its like the personality thing..my theory is that kids are just born with a certain personality and then it grows as they do and its pretty much set by the time they hit school age but changes can still be made as things happen in life..and that makes sense just because well it does.my personality is umm boring at best i manage to bore myself..but if i cant even figure out who i am i cant really say my personality is stuck..i think it changes like every week..so what makes a person who they are? why do ppl do the things they do..or more specific why do i do what i do..since it eventaully gets back to me somehow..life would be grand if i could figure out one little detail about anything but right now im not sure what im trying to figure out anymore..i half talked it over the someone is lying to me thing i wrote a few days ago and what i keep getting centers on self esteem and lack thereof and that for some reason mommy has managed to get me to believe all of this stuff that isnt true..and it sucks because i keep trying to come up with excuse i can think of to get the blame and its just not working..like when i try really hard to define why im a bad person and i cant think of anything..its like having someone sit there and tell me over and over i suck just because they can until i believe and then years later i find out that maybe im not really bad but then all the other stuff wont go away..and i dont like any of it but its like really what will be lefet once its all gone..i dont know how exactly but i know eventually i will get around to making it all go away..and for half a second suicide came up but the problem with that would be thats kinda forever and i dont think i want that..i would miss my movies to much to be shallow for a second..sometimes i feel guilty for promising that i wont do it when i guess if i was weighing the options seriosuly i wouldnt care much about what i promised..unless it didnt work and then i wouldcare because then i would have to go and tell them what i did..not that it would matter much since she lives half way around the world..besides if it didnt work i would be in so much trouble..ok changing subjects before i start thinking about all the reasons suicide isnt gonna work..umm all ive done is seriously confuse myself right now..im just to annoyed with myself to want to think about anything right now...i cant believe i let myselffor what ever reason b/p that much..i couldnt have been that bored..ok so i was but it was more than that..im trying hard not to cut so to know if i can do it or not and in the process ive gone back to b/p when it does the same thing just in a different way..before i would have given up the purging without a second thought and now i dont know..i still dont like it and i still dont want it but im still doing it..or maybe its just i was looking at my arm today while i was wearing a tshirt and i can see where i have cut and they are random spots on my arm and if the weather keeps being stupid and it gets to hot for long sleeves ill be in a lot of trouble if mommy sees my arms..ive been thinking hard for a new place to cut to stop the scars from showing as much as it always goes back to my wrist because if i leave them alone long enough they go away completely..my wrist is just starting to look normal again but still mostly i think about just going back to cutting there again..weird thing with having to see them..thats mostly why i dont like doing my legs..i cant see them like during the day..and its only been two weeks nothing great i guess but if im purging it doesnt count as stopping..technically speaking they all are done on purpose..no i dont have the flu and accidently had to throw up dinner..its stupid and doesnt make sense and i suck for doing any of it in the first place and now i dont know