morning

i cant sleep as tired as i am or was like an hour ago..now i just have the urge to write and keep writing..lately for some reason yvonne has been giving me a lot of stuff..random things that are really nice and thoughtful and for a little while makes me feel noticed and important and then i wake up and the rest of the world is still there waiting..and i have her and a few other ppl forever telling me im a great person, im nice and helpful and polite and smart and im hearing all of this positive stuff..and its not that i dont appreiciate it because i do and its nice to hear it but i just dont trust it..not them its what there telling me..i say im a bad person and when other ppl just out right disagree with me it bothers me because i have no idea what they are seeing that is so different from what im seeing..and now i dont know what or who to trust...suddenly i have to know someone is just lying to me and making me believe something that isnt true and there really is only one person who outright tells me im a horrible person not counting myself..but what does she get out of lying to me and making me believe that? she should be the one person telling me all the goodstuff i hear from other ppl and because of her i cant believe any of them because mommy is mommy and she wouldnt lie to me..but saying that means im calling everyone else a liar and thats not true..yvonne wouldnt lie to me or janet or my teachers or my doc even..theres no point in them lying to me because there isnt anything for them to get out of it..its just somehow ive mixed it all up and its either everyone is lying or im missing the big picture...i dont know..i really would give anything to believe what yvonne tells me, im around her the most and im myself most around her..but there is still something there that completely stops me and i tell her thanks and shes nice and i mean it but on a its rude not to say thank you scale..none of the stuff she does for me she has to do, she doesnt have to color or watch cartoons with me or help me put together stuff or go wondering around greenville with me or walk to the store when she doesnt need anything..i could take a huge leap and actually consider you know maybe she really likes me..and even i question that because i havent done anything to make her like me..its like i expect that it is written down somewehre this long list of requirements of what it takes to be and make a friend..i dont really see how anyone likes me..for me just being me isnt good enough..being someone else takes to much work and hiding from everything gets me hurt..what am i supposed to do? starting to believe that you know maybe im ok will be accepting that mommy is lying to me and that is really hard for me to accept..even if i hate everything she says to me and knowing she calls me mean and evil and selfish when i try hard not to be just hurts what few feelings i have left..what little self esteem i manage to scrape together goes away when i go home or talk to mommy and she decides it is in her best interest to tell me i suck..i dont see what she gets out of it either..its not like i go crying to her when she yells at me..i dont go cry to anyone about it..it just leads to s/i in what ever form helps that moment.. what will it take to figure out what everyone is trying to get me to see? how is it that one person has so much control over me and i dont know how she got it either...
as much as i like to think i know what i want i really dont have the slightest idea..i would feel better if someone could just erase my head and let me start over from scratch..its hard going back and having to in a way redo all of my thinking..if im not doing something to hurt myself then i think im leaving it open for someone else to do it for me and that scares me