Friday, March 06, 2009
thinking
im still thinking..about everything and im thinking that everything is becoming some sort of an excuse..i want to move, i know that more than anything and that hasnt changed for the past year and a half..but instead im letting myself stay here..im letting myself settle and that worries me. a lot actually. all of those negative thoughts gets mixed into not wanting to upset some sort of balance that is going on..but its not really a good balance at all..i think of what i want and its all sketchy once again..im so peaceful right this minute..im calmer..my head isnt driving me to anything and i guess im more aware of what is going on around me..and its because im not at home..its because once im not at home im this completely capable person..im enough..and being scared of something doesnt get in the way..because once im alone then the thoughts of just wanting to hide and be quiet are stronger..but somehow i manage to make myself get out a little..i can do small things by myself..like going and getting breakfast although i was freaking out and nervous about it..and i was nervous because it was something i had to do by myself..and i almost managed to talk myself out of it be cause i get nervous and paranoid at times..but its not like anyone here knows me..its not like ill see any of these people ever again and so it shouldnt matter...but it does and i know its because mommy has gotten me so accustomed to being picked apart about everything..and it just makes me nervous and i get scared to be around someone i dont know..and so i dont know..but even with all of that im perfectly find being on my own..capable of taking care of myself..and i want to keep saying im not ready for another job..i can say im comfortable in my job with the people i work with..i can say that im going to miss riley and harris so so much..but if i dont like going home..or if im always thinking of ways to die then whats it worth to stay .. its not worth it to stay is it ? its not ok to let someone just walk all over me or guilt me into doing stuff i dont want to do. its not a good way to live..it makes me not want to live..and thats not good
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
Did you move out already? or just taking a vacation?
Give youself a chance.. look on Craigslist.. or go further and look at company websites to look for job openings..
I admire and would love to work at a zoo
SO i frequent the AZA (american zoo association) website and look for openings in positions im interested in.. as well as the individual zoo's websites
Same with Childrens Museums..
it does take awhile for them to call back
especially with the economy being sucky.
I haven't had a job since November.. and left my part time job in January due to a false lead
and i do not reccommend being unemployed with the mindset you are in.
IT is not a good feeling to think that no one wants you.. no one wants to hire you.. i feel worthless.. with no purpose..
tho i get by.. because i believe in myself (sometimes) and i have (blind) faith that its not that they dont want ME.. its that they dont want ANYONE..
i KNOW that (above) is true..yet i think the negative thoughts and chose to believe them.. rely on them.. but other times i am able to break through the layer of ice and realize the truth.
and i am able to be happy.
I hope this makes sense..
could you move out of your house and share a house/apartment with a freind in the area? so you can still keep your job?
If you want to jepordize all comfort that you know
you CAN leave
your job
your home
your friends
take the chance
scare yourself
it WILL be hard
lots of false hopes and false expectations
but thats what everyone deals with
i just fear it will be harder for you
but maybe not
perhaps things will connect in the right way
you never know..
I DO know that you cannot run away from your problems. they will haunt you.. find you.. follow you..
as well as your feelings..
they may not be as strong
and you may find people or things to distract and occupy your mind
but they will still be there
i treid that.. everytime i moved.. with dreams of reinventing myself.. of getting a boyfriend.. having froiends.. picturing myslef in all these wonderful situations
then i move
and realty burns it all up
or most of it..
just be careful..
and believe in yourself
YOU
are the one you have to live with the rest of your life
not the poeple at your job
or your mommy..
its YOU
so take care of YOUrself.. put YOU and YOUR needs first as much as you can..
Post a Comment