feeling wanted

last night i told dee and everyone that i was planning on moving to richmond..and the response was that they told me they wanted me to stay, that i would be back, that i couldnt leave..etc..and i realized that that was the response i wanted from mommy..short of her begging me to stay..i just wanted to feel like she at least noticed that i was going to be leaving and make just a something out of it...instead it was as if my news was about as important as the weather and no one paid it much mind..and it just kinda didnt matter at all..maybe she even expects that ill be changing my mind again..or that i wont go through with it ..i dont know..but i just wanted to be acknowledged a bit..and i wasnt not with mommy..but then i tell dee and riley and harris about you would think that 5 hours away was the end of the world to them...and riley was so excited and relieved when i told him that it would most likely be a couple months before i moved anywhere since i needed to find a job..and its funny because that is the reaction i was expecting from them..they made me feel wanted and needed ...but from mommy i dont really know what i was expecting but what i got was a big big let down..and i didnt even realize it until last night because linda asked what response i was looking for from mommy and i didnt know..she asked if i had wanted her to make a big deal and i said no at the time but now i know i wanted some sort of reaction..maybe her asking me to stay or think about it a bit more or something..and instead i was just once again passed over and other stuff was more important and in a huge roundabout way its just completely upsetting ..and disappointing..

but all that aside its been a few ok days..minus tuesday morning..but other than that ive been ok..a lot calmer..slightly more focused but not really doing anything either towards finding another job..but i feel better lol..so im just trying to take it for what its worth and just going day to day and being ok with whatever it is im doing or not doing currently.