stupid stuff

something has to change. something always has to change. i dont like that i cant even deal with being at home anymore..this was a weekend that left me wondering why i even bother in the first place..i know that i need to leave, that regardless of what everyone says or wants me to do i need to leave.but i just get caught up in everything else..and listen to what everyone wants me to do and wonder how i could leave..i tend to forget the their life will go on if im here or not..there will always be someone else to step in and fill my spot and everything will go on...its not as if the world will stop if i say i wont do something..and in trying to keep everyone else happy i just kinda keep forgetting that there are things i want to..that would probably explain why im always forgetting what it is i want..one moment to the next and i cant remember what it is i want to do..thoughts about moving and staying come and go pretty consistently ..and i always want it and then i dont anymore..and then i start to wonder how long it will take for me to try to kill myself because once i start thinking about it then its hard to stop it again ..and its always there anyway..just depends on how hard im thinking about it..reoccurring thought that never really goes away..and its pretty depressing to think that i cant even trust myself to go to work and not take pills..ok not steal pills because that makes me feel guilty..have to keep telling myself that it is stealing and its bad and ill be in a heck of a lot of trouble for doing it..all of it is frustrating..because im going out of town for the weekend and wondering seriously if ill even come back..always hard coming back...leaving and coming back is never a good thing..