it all starts again

all day ive felt the need to write and im just not really sure what i want to say..im tired and cranky because its been so hot today..and i think ive been sick the past few days but its nothing complete..its like waking in the morning and feeling bad but as the day goes on it just kinda goes away if im not thinking about..and then at night or when things are quiet not feeling good comes back..and i start and stop meds pretty quickly and am forever forgetting to take them and so its hard to figure out whats wrong.

i guess i dont know..i guess im just kinda starting to doubt the thoughts from the weekend..wondering if im doing the right thing, if now is the right time to be looking for a job and moving..about how ill never know if i dont do it..worrying about having to say goodbye to all the people i work with now once i move..and just all the stuff is pressing on me and i get stuck still wondering what im going to do..oh i just dont know..mommy mentioned yesterday that i dont know what i want and i completely agree with that..i really dont know what i want to do..i have absolutely no idea..but well maybe that will change..maybe it will be all just one big mistake..one thing that i shouldnt do..or maybe it will be the greatest thing ever..because its more depressing knowing that i can go and have it all not work out and then know that ill still be able to come back home
reoccurring thought though has been that well its been over 2 months now without cutting..closer to 6 or so i think with only one set back..but i keep forgetting to add the time before Christmas and it makes it all seem rather minimal..but its a big deal.it is and i know it is but acknowledging it is just so hard..so scary..i should feel proud or happy or something and it is nice not having to worry about new scars and cleaning cuts and all of that ..but at the same time its like saying goodbye to a really old friend and feeling just out of sorts without it...keep trying to fill the hole thats left and nothing fits into it..theres nothing that makes it all better and that makes me sad i think..i just want it to be all better ..make everything nice and happy and ok and it doesnt work like that at all..and its hard i guess..