today

Today has been interesting…woke up in a rotten mood and spent most of the day worried out of my mind and staying busy enough to not do anything really stupid..guess it worked since I didn’t end up cutting…now im just awake and not really sleepy but im sure by the time im done writing ill remember that its past my bedtime…so since ill have the house to myself tomorrow I can get some cleaning done and figure out laundry and all that fun stuff…most likely ill just put it off again but im not at home and I can clean up as little or as much as I want to..and if I could actually remember that when it counts things wouldn’t feel so rushed for no reason..so anyway..still really worried about the whole teacher thing and I half talked about it with yvonne today when we went to dinner..she agrees that the teacher is just being mean for trying to change the grades around to get back at us in a way…the whole thing is really just irks my nerves..now I remember why I work incredibly hard at not getting mad..and it sucks because I don’t think I can really control it..i had to take something last night to make sure I went to sleep and even then I wasn’t really sleeping for a long time..note to self don’t take meds in the wrong amounts…woke up wrorrying, spent the day worrying and im still worried…I should be completely worried out and im not..not even close, ill worry until I see my grade and even then I don’t think it will be better…this particular teacher I just want to see fired, it would make my day to know she was fired because she isnt nice..well shes nice when she wants to be..not really fair for our class to just let her get another group of students to screw over for a semester…ugh ok umm so that issue is still I don’t know..i just known its not good right now…maybe ill go talk it over with my advisor sometime soon…so not really talkative this morning and actually slept for the most part until 9 because I kept waking up last night im not really sure when I went to bed..so played sims and tak for a while..played trivial pursuit with yvonne and listened to a cd..and she went to work and I hung out around the house until I had to get ready..we went to dinner and then we went to a musical theatre performance and it was really good..yvonne caved in and got me an autograph from one of the girls I like..but overall it was a really good performance and I realized how much I miss the whole watching preformances..not being on stage because that I didn’t like at all but watching I loved, listening to the music I really loved too..hence I listen to a lot of music..i spend most of my day listening to music and even if its depressing it makes me feel better or keeps me from getting any worse..another way to keep myself out of my head kinda…hmm something ive learned today or noticed at least because trying to explain it makes it seem like it doesn’t work…im an incredibly realistic and practical but I don’t know exactly how it works..i don’t think I can explain it either..maybe its just one of those things I know…like when yvonne says im the most controlled and put together person she knows and im with her almost everyday but someone else can tell me im guarded…but if I was asked to describe me all I can come up with is being quiet..ive heard patient, nice, kind, caring, honest, controlled, evil, mean, and some others im prolly forgetting…all from different people though..still really odd that people could swear ive never been stressed a day in my life and that’s people who haved lived with me..taly looks at me like im crazy when I say ive been busy or stressed or something..and given almost all of the time people see me I don’t let it be known if I am stressed or worried or mad or anything because there was no point in it…yvonne told me last week shes never heard me raise my voice at anyone, she also said shes never seen me angry don’t think ive asked her how she would describe me but maybe I will ..we talked about adoption today too..well transracial adoption because I talked about it in one of my classes and I don’t have a problem with it and neither does she…we have decided that im going to adopt with I want kids and shes gonna have kids..2.5 kids to be exact and then I get to be the aunt who gives them everything they want which still would be tons of fun for me…where will we be 10 years from now? What will we be doing..will we even still see each other..life would be just a bit empty with out yvonne hanging around to do things with..