things suck

right now im not to happy with anything that is going on..school is really starting to get to me and i havent been paying attention in class or turning in my work or anything..im going home again tomorrow and im not wanting to do that at all because well i cut this morning..not alot but on my wrist..i feel really off right now..to much going on in my head and to much to think about and all i want to do is cry and i wont do that so i just want to cut or go away...i actually went to all of my classes today..almost talked myself out of all of them and i spent my time inbetween classes playing video games and eating chocolate..i really wont get into my sugar fixes today..but all ive eaten is sugar..i think it would have been healthier to just eat plain sugar and get over it..ill be sick tomorrow..and then it will really suck ..i still feel sick now and the urge to throw up is a pain in the but when i have to walk all over the place..but im in my night class now and once again not paying attention..i found out todat that i really will have to get a physical and that scares me a lot ..im worried about what i will have to do and its been so long since ive had one that i really dont know what they test for anymore..im not even sure my immunizations are up to date anymore..ugh everything really blows right now and it feels like i cant catch up to save my life..my fault for letting everything slack off in the first place..i have no idea about my grades this semester and i really dont care anymore..i wont fail but i wont be making the chancellors list again either..and that sucks like i did good enough to make all a's and then i go and screw up my grades again..like i was dumb enough to go and make all a's and now it will be expected of me and i wont do it again..now im not really sure what will be happening..

we talked about therapy and how society still looks at it..and its still really considered a bad thing...and its not that i think its a bad thing but its just im not sure its a great thing..well i can see how it would help but of course i only apply it to other ppl..i completely have no problem with someone else being in therapy..but if you ask me about my therapy and its like its ok but i would so rather not be doing it..i still say it means i have a problem and well duh i do have a problem which makes the only thing as confusing as everything..karen asked me today if i would ever go to therapy and i looked at her like she had lost her mind..not that i would ever mention that i was in therapy..well normally i wouldnt..but with karen its a little different..when i first met her like a year and some ago i wanted to be her..i learned more about her life in one semester than i know about a lot of ppl..she doesnt mind sharing her story and she has an interesting yet really hurtful story and shes ok now...she would be like a role model for anyone who met her..and i swear she would understand some of what im stuck with if i ever bothered telling her but she has a lot of advice i think..i listen to her talk about her life all the time and i have no idea how she does it..yea shes like 20 years older than me and doesnt look it but still yea lots of advice if i ever bothered asking but as usual i have no real idea what i would ask or how..

i wrote today in my earlier class kinda like now but without my comp and it was kinda like a dialogue..really i can question myself about a lot of stuff if i sit still long enough to get through it..still its mostly juts thoughts but done in a question/answer kind of thing..but today i actually did it for a while and got a page of stuff and reading it just makes a lot of stuff seem really clear but i just i dont know..as much as i want to believe it i dont want too..it just scares me..maybe the more i write about it the more ill be able to make myself see what i have to see..i was asked yesterday if i was in therapy as a kid and i wasnt but now its like ok would things ahve been different if i had been in therapy then? or would i be the same or would i have ever picked up the cutting and stuff..dont know..but ive never been much for talking..im slowly getting a little better at it now but as a kid i dont think they would have been able to get anything out of me..or maybe it would have been a bit easier forming a relationship with me as a kid..the trust thing and all..everything can turn into a what if question