homework - kinda

so ill try this again and see how far i get before i get completely off topic..so ill do the off topic stuff before i get started..

still in a not so great mood...i could swear my body did stuff just to get back at me for everything i do to it..and in an alternate universe im so sure i would get kicked out of my body..could be fun but then i dont know exactly if i would be expected to get another one or is there a limit to how many bodies aperson can go through in one life time..since im working really hard it seems at destroying this one i should be on the list to get another one..kinding aside i really think my body hates me..not sure how i know that but i do..freezing my butt off in the computer lab right this minute because i dont want to go home and have to pack..i just dont want to go home at all and when i do i dont know what i want to do..so im listening to goodbye my lover yet again..and writing here and still not working on my paper..ugh i dont know why i dont want to turn it in..all i have to do is correct it and i wont do it..not even a big deal..i keep putting it off..pretty soon the semester will be over and ill s till be looking at it..ok so i wont because i cant fail and now would be a really stupid time to go and fail all my classes but good grief im working on it..feeling sick and everything but thats not an excuse..i just feel sick and cold...saw my advisor today about fin aid stuff and that just really sucks by itsself..i have the urge to jsut run..i dont know where i would go though..i dont know what i would do..and my health class has done nothing but make me more paranoid than i already was..i just kinda refuse to have kids and i refuse to ever in my life sleep with anyone..it could be a safety thing as in there are way to many stds going around or it could just be that i dont want to sleep with anyone..or it could be that having someone else in my bed completely weirds me out..that and i sleep far enough off my bed for like two ppl to sleep on my bed most of the time..it really surprises me i dont fall off the bed everynight but if im not sleeping on the very edge im sleeping so close to the wall i could be glued to it..more often than not dusti has plenty of room on my bed any given night..but we watched a movie in class last night and it was so sad watching all those kids crying when they were talking about how there parents died of aids..ppl are stupid at times and i have no idea why govt cant see that this is a huge problem and it needs to be fixed like now..stats on it are just horrible and they keep getting higher and so yea..no kids for me..and im so still going to take an hiv test sometime soon..just to know..everytime i bring it up yvonne looks at me like im crazy because truthfully i have no reason to worry..i should be more worried about gettting tetanus or something but im not..but i wont feel comfortable until im absolutely positive i dont have some disease i dont know about..i dont need anything else to worry about right now..i worry about enough small stuff for everything and then half ignore the big stuff until i cant get away with it anymore..besides i dont need any help catching anything..i leave myself up for getting infections almost weekly..no point in making it worse..and i guess i made my point on some weird level..hmm i dont know..lost what i was thinking about a minute ago..so back to homework

kinda weird writing out homework on purpose but here goes..topic of the week is distress tolerance and how to make it work i think or learn it or something along those lines..and this time i made it through reading all of it and i guess it makes good points and some of it is stupid and some of it im not really sure what the point was or why it would work basically i just didnt know what it was..i dont like that pain as to be a part of life..i really wish no one ever had to hurt because it makes ppl sad and then they cry or in my case cut or something..i keep trying to ignore them and make all the things i dont like or want to deal with go away..and where it goes i dont know but i know it doesnt really go away..not if i have the weirdest dreams ever at odd times..or if i can sit in class and be so far zoned out i have no idea where im at but im not where i should be..that counts as dissociating i think but a lot of the time im not sure what makes me do it in class..hmm ok i do know but i always thought i had no problem listening to someone else talk about abuse or something..but a lot of the time now if i cant let what im hearing go or just listening without trying to change it in anyway or apply it in anyway then i start drifting off..kinda starts out as remembering something and thing just leaving..leaving without being gone anyway if im still hearing whats going on aroun dme..i think i managed to hyponotize myself once..completely an accident but drawing the little neverending circles could drive a person crazy if they did it long enough but just watching the motions is like nice nice nice and then its gone anyway..so i read what i had and some of it was missing but anyway its like im reading it and expecting to get something out of it and i keep thinking im missing the big picture of what it is..the definitions i guess make sense and it seems like it would be no problem reading it and doing it or applying it to the point of knowing whats going on and letting it go but well its not..i dont accept emotions and thoughts as they are most of the time..no real idea why i dont though..i just know i dont if i cant even come up with anything short of basic emotions at any given time..still most of the time i dont know what im feeling..and if i cant name it then i dont want to have to deal with it..maybe i do have the approval thing mixed in and it doesnt need to be..i keep trying to make acceptance and approval the same thing and they arent..i know that accepting doesnt make things ok but i dont want to have to accept anything without making it ok..that whole little truth thing has to come in somewhere and it picked this to mess with..avioding means i dont have to deal with the truth until someone makes me..and even then with most ppl it takes a lot to make me do something emotion wise that i dont want to do..but with other everyday stuff you just have to ask in a way that makes it seem wrong to say no and ill do it..if i want to or not ill do it..because what i want doesnt really matter until now..in the past couple years more so than anyother time suddenly i have everyone asking what i want to do or how i want things to be and if i knew i wouldnt be so stuck now would i? weird having ppl who actually want to know what im thinking and why or how i see things the way i do without getting mad at me over it..funny how things work out i guess not that im great at saying what i want..occasionally i will though if im asked enough i can come up with something..that kinda would be the wants and should thing thats off balance i think..i do things because i think i should do them not because i want to do them..just kinda leaves me feeling trapped and then to get over it i do other stuff like cutting or purging..and thanks to the random nosebleeds again im not purging currently..i think its been darnit its only been like a week..thats besides the point umm something about reality sucking and not liking it comes to mind but ive complained about that enough already..but im not sure how i manage to change things around in my head..like i see a lot of what going on around me but when i try to remember it, its like things have moved or changed or been taken out..theres someone in my head playing cutouts with my memories..im really not lacking at all inte the imagination department..ican picture almost anything in my head in a heartbeat..randomly too..pretend worlds are fun because i can make anything happen..there can be a world that doesnt have to hurt for any reason..no matter how stupid i can make it..i read somewhere that sometimes kids make these safety places..well when i was reading it it was about flashbacks but its just like this place they have in there head where they can go to be safe..maybe i do that but i think its more than just using it for when i remember something i dont want to see..i do it all the time..like removing myself from something just becasue i can..sometimes i just end up going off without meaning too, staring into space but its like im looking at something that is really not there because its nice to see and then i just do it all the time..can whats real and whats not real get mixed up to the point of not being able to tell them apart? no i dont walk around seeing things that arent there but i guess it counts as a perception thing..my perception is a bit off then...im really sure this is supposed to make sense..then ill reread and have no idea what i was thinking about..back to the other stuff though..willingness and willfulness im not sure i really get..by the definitions i do willfulness..that one goes with the passive stuff and trying to ignore/destroy life ..and that makes it sound kinda bad but its prolly true..it is true but ill wait for it to be explained a little bit more..before i get myself thinking its something that its not..moving on..the pathological grieving part was kinda interesting because they said its the same thing as avoidance well the results would be the same..but the grieving part is an on going thing and if im grieving i have no idea what its about..coule be my past but i would think i would get a bit bored of grieving that for long..but i think that goes with being sad aka depressed a lot of the same..sad and depressed are different too but they can still go together..i take all these tests online just because tthere is no point to them but they are fun and sometimes make sense..but all the online depression tests are stupid..9 times out of 10 i get that im severly depressed and should seek help..well duh i already knew that..but if you put that your suicidal it takes forever to close them because it keeps saying call 911, blah blah blah..the eating disorder tests are fun too..like why would you waste your time taking them if you didnt know or question you had a problem in the first place..most of the time i just do them because i dont have anything else to do and the results can be pretty through..depending on the type of test but always the same results..in a nutshell you need and you need to go get some..talk about an easy reason to just call yourself crazy..there arent any tests for s/i though..guess you kinda know your doing it if your doing it..no help for the wicked..anyway hmm i could so write my own dx and it would be a lot of fun and then i could give myself a reason to take meds i dont want or need..ok i kinda want them but not because they help..most of the ones i want count as downers umm forget the medical word for them but they like make you zone out or calm down depending on how your looking at them..i want them because of what they do..if i let things get bad enough to where im completely on edge and cant calm down then yea they might help given i took them correctly and i wouldnt..but i know i dont need meds just lying around either..to tempting and i can say iowuld never ever ever try to kil myself but somethings thinking can be incredibly persausive..and i can get myself to believe it would work..at home over the summer i wanted mommys meds..codine or morphine she had a few for her surgery stuff just lying all over the place..i really questioned if she would know if i took some..not to kill myself but just to see what would happen and if i just happened to die it would have been an accident..but if i planned for it then well it wouldnt count as an accident..espeically if it didnt work and good grief if im going to do it it had better work..cas if it didnt mommy would have me in a hospital in a heartbeat.and that one i wouldnt be able to get out of at all..at leazt not at first..its like 48 hours or something if i dont try anything..but then if you try to kill yourself i dont think they can let you go..but then since i prolly wouldnt talk it wouldnt make any sense to keep me but then not talking would prolly do the exact oppisite and make them keep me there longer..i havent looked in the med cabinet lately but i think she still has some of those at home..dont remember but i wont take them..like i need anymore trouble from her..i manage to getinto enough without needing to add taking meds that arent mine to the list..i dont even take red meds right..so i really dont need anything else that im supposed to take..i forget to take my vitamins and i guess i kinda need them but at the same time i still dont want to take them..inadvertently dying takes to much works..stupid never ending battle of looking for ways to die without really dying..more just ending up sick for a couple days and then it goes away again..its so easy getting off topic sometimes..umm the whole proving to others how bad things are just doesnt apply to me because that i dont do..that would involve talking when im having sucky times and that doesnt really happen..i dont like or want anyone feeling sorry for me because i cant deal with the real world..no point in telling anyone im suicidal if i know im not going to do anything permanent..seeing how much i can take before i cry because it hurts maybe but talking and complaining no..sometimes i chat online for distractions but not really i want to die and i want you to feel bad for me kinda things..i dont like when ppl do that..its like they are looking for someone to beg them not to do anything and i dont think thats fair ..especially not when its done onlien and the person reading it could be like amillion miles away..just to have to worry until they hear from you again..i have told on rare occiasions when i wanted someone to know i was planning something that leads to weird things..more often than not they just stay up to talk to me and keep me busy and talk me into calling my doc..and that can take a long time if i dont want to call.. i havent really gotten down the asking for help thing yet..and that annoying little contract that i have..its not cool having to tell my advisor im suicidal in a serious way..im really really careful with it..and if it gets to the point where i cant deal with it by myself then ill tell someone..but just the everyday i want to die stuff..i do ok with dealing with that if you dont count the cutting and burning that is..besides i kinda refuse to get put in the hospital and that is ruling factor in who gets to know..i dont like hospitals but ill work in one..i dont like knowing that there are ways to be overpowered i guess with the hosptial thing..and even though i know all about how it works i dont like it..that little your an adult thing doesnt work so much when its a life or death kinda thing..you can be arrested for being suicidal..yea i think its being and not trying..cas if you try your just going to the hospital anyway..i cant forget that mommy still uses the hospital thing..if she knew i still cut or better than that burned and purged i wouldnt get out of the hospital..going home like today when i have new scars on my wrist..not even still scars cause they havent started healing yet ..still in that to sore to wear anything on them..i keep them covered up but i dont/cant wear my wrist bands at home..like i need reason for her to question why i ahve it on..if she took it off i cant say its a rash or anything..way to neat for that and mommy might be a lot of things but stupid isnt one of them..she knows dusti didnt put the scars on my like she lets people think..she might not really believe i did it but she knows dusti didnt..i worry she will see my legs one day and know ive completely lied for the past two or so years..going home doesnt make me safe..going home makes me feel guilty..maybe thats why i do it..i go home to make up for lying about everything..its more than i go home because i have to..i go home because id prolly just die of guilt if i didnt..its kinda shame too but more guilt..like i have everything but i still manage to be a total screw up..and mommy just wont let me forget it..fall from grace and be forever condemned to burn in hell..you go to hell for killing yourself anyway..not a religious person at all but i believe in heaven and hell and constaine is a really good movie but anyway..ill never get to see nicole again if i end up in hell and most days im almost positive i wont see her again anyway..but if i had to choose between living and dying..most days im not real sure id make the right choice..that should make me worry or something and it doesnt..just makes me sad and wonder what it took to make me think that in the first place..

lost track of what i was supposed to be writing so ill try it again maybe