from yesterday

Just kinda feel like writing tonight not that that says anything..im forever writing something…still at home and all ive learned once again is that I really don’t like depending on other ppl to do stuff…now more than ever I wish I had my license so I could come and go as I please..no spending time looking for rides or waiting for someone to get some free time..now im just really mad at myself for not getting my license when I was in high school..even if I didn’t want it I should have gotten it…ugh stupid me..nias friends spent the weekend here and that didn’t bother me cas it was just two of them and I was gone for half of the weekend..but tonight all of her friends came over and my being who I am and not liking to many ppl around me at once started to feel completely trapped and in my own stupid house..well mommys house but close enough…I was in the middle of cleaning the house when they got back and so it was like endless people back and forth and I just wanted to tell them not to touch anything..my small ocd tendency prolly..but good grief if im cleaning up don’t mess anything up or touch anything because if I come back and something is not where I left it then ill just get mad and still fix it…no big deal I guess but its to hot here and its seriously making me cranky..i really prefer being cold to being hot..at least if its cold I can just put on more clothes..if its hot I can only take off so much..i know the air is broken upstairs but I don’t know about downstairs and im not about to be the one to turn it on and get in trouble or blow up the house or something..so hot it is..

Went to church this morning and the service was nice, julius and justin didn’t sing though but still it was really good from a completely non believing stance..it reminded me of catrinas church except at her church theres a lady pastor and while I was at sissys church I really started missing the whole church scene..might have just been missing the people at that church..i really want to see tracy and some other ppl..tracy gives really good hugs…gosh I havent been there in 2 years I think..i was thinking about it today and for as much as I don’t believe in church I still liked going..minus all the people and being close to ppl I don’t know..part of the reason I stopped going was because expects me to go and I don’t help it any by lying and saying im going..now I think I would go a bit more than I do if the choice was mine to make.. rebel 101 ..if someone keeps trying to make you do something and theres no way to get caught if you lie about it then by all means lie until you are caught…and there really is no way to catch me in this one unless I just flat out said I wasn’t going..i might just surprise the heck out of catrina and ask her if I can go to church with her one Sunday just to listen..so the church talk today was all about letting go of your past..i could swear sometimes its written on my forehead or something junk I need to hear..doesn’t matter if I want to believe it or not because if I hear it and start questioning it then I got something out of it…it doesn’t take a lot to get me to question some things..and if its something im having a really hard time getting in general then I can question everything I hear about it..given I don’t want to have to think about any of this stuff anymore but I cant exactly let it go either…forgive and forget came up..and I cant forget it if I don’t remember it and I cant remember it if im afraid to find all of it out..but I don’t let myself remember it maybe because I don’t want to forgive…I don’t really think I blame anyone else for how I grew up or what happened..im pretty sure I don’t but taking the blame is just as bad if its something I couldn’t control..i want to say I could control it..i want to take all of it and deal with it to stop myself from blaming someone else…but something stops me from really doing that completely…like somehow I really do know it didn’t work out like that and eventually ill find out the truth and until I do I wont let myself go any farther with anything..i keep hearing that accepting things as they are is really the important thing..and ive thought about it so much, ive argued with myself over it and I still cant decide..i don’t want to give up what little control I do have..no one can make me talk..everyone who knows highly advises I do though..and highly adivse still isnt making me do it..but I still go to therapy for some reason..the decision is still mine for that but I still show up..talk about nothing most of the time but I go..there is some reason for me going and its because she listens to me no matter how stupid the topic is…some weird working relationship that if it had to be broken down I have no idea how it formed..that would be one of those complex things youo don’t want to even have to begin to explain…somehow it works even if I sometimes don’t want it to..not that it makes things worse but its just a way to get new things to think about…I wonder if I can run out of space in my head…there has to be a limit to how many things can get crammed in there before I short circuit or something…just my luck ill be able to think about all of at once without anything happening..maybe ill just drive myself crazy ..could be fun but if I want to graduate I wont be doing that in any type of public way…majorly stressing to feel like im constantly going crazy thinking about something or working out some idea..it makes me think of being in this huge room, empty of course without a way in or out..i cant get out but no one can get in to get me either..theres no help but then theres no pain either not counting what I do..i don’t know what im waiting for but im waiting for something…maybe im waiting for the worse to happen..but whats the worse? Good grief ive seriosuly considered suicide and I don’t think it can get worse than that…im not afraid to die but I don’t think I want to die either..just seems like a good way out at times…and of course im really really careful but still..hmm wonder why I keep writing about suicide…its on my mind lately I guess..way more than it should be but in indirect ways..i seem to have some trouble doing anything directly when my head is involved..im starting to worry about everything..i have to worry..reminds me im not dead it..i could just cut to remember that but worrying works until it gets out of hand and then ill cut anyway...lately purging is back in my head..i keep telling myself i cant do it because getting nosebleeds isnt good and id rather they werent anymore frequent than they were..stopped again for now..maybe that’s why im thinking about it againa…maybe because I came home and mommy just got on my case again about losing weight..abck and forth..either I lose to fast or not fast enough..there is not common middle ground but its never good enough..always something that can be done better or differently…writing that just makes me feel really sad and hurt but not a really clear cut hurt..its bigger than that..deeper than that, just kinda hard to pinpoint I just know its there..writing about things that really make me sad makes me think of being little and being really hurt..the kind of hurt a bandaid and a hug just doesn’t fix not that I would have gotten either…but like I got hurt and then I went away hypothecally of course to fix my hurts but I never came back..doesn’t make sense because I know its there..i just cant really say why or how it got there I guess..im pretty sure if I reread that ill find out it doesn’t make any sense..like I know ive been hurt more ways than one but since I didn’t let myself cry over it, I had to find another way to cry, I had to find somewhere else to cry, somewhere that wouldn’t get me in trouble..my head is good for losing stuff like that..maybe that’s why I know I hurt but I cant find it..i know I cry but I cant find that either.i put a maze in my head and then I was a dork and forgot the way to get through it or in it for that matter..i really don’t think ive even begun to work on anything..tons of roadblocks..all made by me of course..somehow I knw it would come to this and I made it so hard to get any information what so ever..i confuse myself most of the time..but sometimes I can see everything so clearly it doesn’t make sense…if I was asked I wouldn’t b e able to say how any of it worked but I know…seriously I know a lot more than I give myself credit for..but then knowing it and applying it are two very different things…does there always have to be two sides to everything? Why cant it just be one way and I can just leave it alone..that would be making things to easy though and ill be doomed to forever go back and forth between everything..even if I know what I want to say..even if I know the whys behind everything I don’t know if ill ever say them…I was afraid, I am afraid..am I wasting my life? I want to think I should have done more than ive done..life is leaving me behind or kicking me out..wonder how I can get kicked out of my life..im pretty sure its possible though and if it ever happens I guess ill know what it is…at least now im tired enough to jhust sleep