jealous

kinda sucks a lot when i realize i am jealous and i want to think im happy for her..i could swear and down i was happy for her and almost of the the time i am..but some nights like tonight when she is so happy and then talking about like grown up stuff with me ie sex..but talking about her relationship compared to nothing ive ever gone through gets a bit confusing because she wants my advice on the subject and i give her what i know but its not based on anything ive done...mostly just things ive picked up here and there, things i just know not to do..and after like the third topic change i realized that what yvonne has confused or not about it..its a good thing and i want what she has..i just dont really think ill get it..my whole warped vision of what love is and isnt will just get me in trouble..but all the same the being jealous part completely overshadows the being happy part..and the whole thing really just makes me hate myself more, because a lot of the time i do get a bit annoyed with yvonne for going on and on about her bf and because its not like we can exchange stories or anything on the subject..but i listen and talk and advise because well i just do and then im happy and completely loving hearing what they done or what trouble they manage to get into becuase they are funny and special ..but then i realize i dont have stories like that and if i did i dont know if i would bother telling anyone else about them..but still being jealous just gets in the way..now that im thinking about it i cant get it out of my head..it makes me want to cry..i dont like myself i cant expect someone else to do it for me or in place of me..i dont think there is a such thing as being able to form a relationship with someone when one person has to like the other person enough for both of them..it would wear them out in the long run and it wouldnt last without a heck of a lot of help..therapy comes to mind but it would just be really hard...the more i think about relationships in general the more i just refuse to be touched..its more than a protection thing i guess..almost always im fine with being by myself..not counting this weekend because i cut becasue i was feeling alone and still am..but when i start thinking about why i just happen to be alone it makes me feel worse about everything and more alone than ever..and i guess ill go to bed before i completely lock myself in a dark room or smoething