delayed reaction

im such a dork..mommy was in another car accident and granny is in the hospital because she had a heart attack..mommy is ok and shes back at home now and in the process of trying to go see granny in ohio..and this is from like over the weekend and the end of last week and for some reason i didnt realize any of it until yesterday..i dont know maybe i was just ignoring it or maybe i didnt want to realize or think about any of it but now that i am it really sucks..i dont want to think about granny dying and all her health problems are justgetting worse and its not like we will get a chance to visit again anytime soon..mommy may go maybe but its the end of the semester and i dont want to just up and leave, i dont want incompletes and have to still turn in work when i get back..im going to camp ini june and my small 3 week vacation with nothing to do is looking really appealing and its incredibly not nice for me to not want to visit when i have nothing else to do..but i dont have money to do that either..still doesnt make me feel b etter about not wanting to go see her cause if she dies i dont know what ill do..first thought is not going to the funeral at all..no idea how i would get out of it but i dont want to go if it happens..i dont like them and i would just really rather not go to one..feeling incredibly mean right now..and now all the good news i got yesterday for school junk just cancels out..its not that important and i keep thinking about it..grades kinda do matter if i want to graduate..but i cant compare grades to family stuff..and the two really arent related at all but because its all i have right now ill take grades to family stuff..if i think about it to much ill just start feeling guilty again..but its not as bad as it was with mommys other accident..really no idea what i would do if mommy actually dies..major guilt trip for thinkingabout all the times i was younger and just wished she would go away to leave me alone and if it took her dying to make it happen i didnt care..but now shes been in two car accidents in a year both bad and some how i almost believed they were my fault..the first one more than the second one..like if i wished hard enough i could make her just leave..stupid